This creative endeavor [self-satire] is the aftermath of unknowingly falling head over heels for an undercover agent who grew up idolizing Nancy Drew who, of course, never blew a case. Dedicated to Melinda Sue, who has serious questions to answer but not the courage to account for what she’d done; she would have simply let me be murdered when in possession of knowledge of what I’d encountered and could have tipped me off to the larger danger but did not… 

My Life as a Joke Personal Ad

Every now and again I look at myself and get in a good laugh at the ongoing circumstance of absurdity my career choice had brought, having broken another assassin ambush today (casual dress Caucasian male trackers [route], tall suited male Asian (Ray-Bans don’t hide cheekbones) GPS sent my location [Rambla] for a White female assassin with white frock and carrot hair, clearly an American team, aborted the game about 14:35)

Assassin ‘carrot top’ is a receded chin 2.5 brains and beauty on ‘the James Bond one to ten scale of babes’, apparently the better looking women want nothing to do with an ugly business, or there are ‘professional strokes’ for women like ‘carrot top’ who likely doesn’t have the character, and certainly not the ethics, to attract a decent man and lifestyle despite her looks, par for the CIA. My 2008 [Germany] encounter with CIA 1.5 ‘Bond Scale’ non-babe-non-brains agent Sabrina De Souza set the standard, 5 foot 2 inch, one hundred fifty pound browned-bacon-fat-ball Sabrina was the team scout that SMIRKED (how STUPID was that?) at me in Wiesbaden on one of the failed assassination attempts there, registering her face into my memory, then Sabrina bailed out of Europe because of an Italian arrest warrant (might be one in Germany for you too, Sabrina :)

Now Sabrina has sued the USA for diplomatic immunity to cover her crimes as a member of a Chevron/CIA/Condoleezza (CCC, also known as Campus Crusade for Christ) extraordinary renditions team working Italy, which consequently got her photo in the New York Times where I recognized her, I’m laughing my ass off at that…

Oh, and I seem to have started a closet-gay cat-fight between the incompetent National Intelligence Director ‘Sylvester of Tweety-Pie fame‘ Blair who is demanding to take the top-spy station chief job assignments away from CIA ‘electro-shocked halloween cat‘ Director Pannetta who has been whining to Rahm Emmanual at the White House about being picked on… and swearing the CIA can do a better job…

WANTED

Comic_Babe

Hot babe (actually just somewhat attractive would be fine, but no serious weight issues and has taken care of herself) age range 20 to 50 years with a healthy sex appetite and IS NOT MEAN (mean people suck, and mean people make little mean people) disgruntled intelligence agent MAYBE ok (if defected to the rule of law)

Prefer a woman generally without morals but must possess a healthy sense of ETHICS

Mostly does not lie to herself (that is a tricky one, anyone who thinks they do not lie to themselves at all, should stop right here)

Does NOT care about money (or the fact I have none, other than a veterans pension I could lose just as soon as my political enemies in the corporate owned USA government can sort out a means to ‘legally’ take it away… and I don’t give a damn about your money, whether you have any or not so long as you don’t BOTHER me about it. I need little money, I only require to be happy, that is fed, warm, dry, body worked, laptop working (but not too much work) and loved up often by my loves-long-walks, drug and alcohol free, fun and European outdoor cafe loving best friend that answers this ad

Must be willing to mostly give up making casual acquaintances (with Americans particularly), and give up night-life altogether, take agent/assassin survival training from, and not be afraid to die for keeping company with the author of this ad (people are hit by meteors everyday, so, a silenced bullet, poisoned (especially by poison pellet or injection), run over by a car deliberately, what’s the difference? Who cares?? As though anyone gets out of this ‘thing’ called life alive, not. But avoiding Americans particularly, and giving up all nightlife for the past couple years, has definitely contributed to extending my time ;o)

What do you get? A project:

Exiled

Taking care of (includes knowing or willing to learn pain management body work, and whatever else that goes with ‘taking care of’) “One of the kindest and most decent people you would ever meet” of “great humor and little fear” with a gentle and fun way of loving ..

!

includes 17 x 4.25 centimeters, with a libertarian curve to the left, often!

!

.. gifted writer/former soldier with blown discs, compressed vertebra, rhematoid arthritus, nerve damage, destroyed fine motor skills, slightly impaired balance, neurological degenerative disease that mimics multiple sclerosis, wrecked rotor cuffs, diabetes, few intact ligaments, inoperable hernia, who hates the company of most adults (particularly men) .. an incorrigible social critic/satirist, world class investigator, anti-war/anti-corporate, anti-new age, stress exhausted physical basket case that is a genius with kids, and whose dedicated enemies include, but are not limited to, religious extremists of nearly every persuasion, Obama’s current National Security Council, Robert Gates, the Secretary of the Air Force, the Joint Chiefs of Staff and their friends Dick Cheney,  Condoleezza Rice, both George Bush, the CIA, Chevron corporation, and has been excluded from Executive Order #12333 banning assassinations

Anyone who might actually take this seriously should buy LOTS of self help books (if you cannot afford psychiatry) or in the alternative, contact:

penucquemspeaks@googlemail.com

Interviews on location in Berlin*

*Disclaimers: Requires providing a copy of e-ticket, arriving by air and I’ll meet you at the airport gate (security provision) Advertisement expires with survival and fame achieved; requires investment in the risks, to share in the rewards. Kids! Don’t try this at home!! Offer void where prohibited by law;) 

Based on authentic facts. Originally composed in Spain [2009]

Update: this personal ad is now CLOSED.

*

The Satires