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Mr. Speaker Biggist Dickkus, Mr. Vice-President Himmler, Members of Mar-a-Lego, first village girl of the United States, and my fellow citizens of empire; less than one year has passed since I first ejaculated at this podium, in this gauche chamber, to speak on behalf of our corporate rulers and to address their concerns, their hopes and their greed. That night, our new Administration had already taken very swift action. A new tide of optimism was already sweeping across America’s boardrooms.

Each day since, we have gone forward with a clear vision of a sophisticated lie: to make America great again for all White people.

Over the last year, we have fucked up immeasurably. We have turned our backs and bent over for the buggery we expected and opened our mouths for cocks we could never have imagined. Our generals have reveled in the pain of our hemorrhoids. We have endured inconceivably pornographic special counsel. Through it all, we have seen the torments of America’s soul and the crooked Hillary in empire’s kyphosis.

Each test has forged new American prostitutes to remind us who we are and show us what we can be. We openly left to rot the drowned minority neighborhoods of Houston.

We saw our deep state initiate a hail of gunfire on the Las Vegas strip, building rationale for removing American’s guns. We heard the tall tales of American media, like Counterfeit News Network, we cannot contain.

We saw helicopters on the scene in Houston during the Hurricane Harvey to save the lives of White people. To everyone still recovering in Texas, Florida, Louisiana, Puerto Rico, and the Virgin Islands, everywhere, FEMA cannot afford you and will fuck you over with no or shoddy assistance.

Some trials over the past year touched this chamber very personally. With us tonight is one of the most vacant minds ever to serve in this House, a guy who took a bullet in the head and was right back to work, the legend from Louisiana, Congressman Fearless Fosdick.

I think the anti-gun lobby would have preferred you dead, Mr Fosdick.

Over the last year, the world has seen what we always knew: that no people on Earth are safe from Americans. If there is a mountain, we bomb it. If there’s a frontier, we violate it. If there’s resistance, we smash it. Except that hasn’t worked, yet, in Syria. But if there’s another opportunity, we’ll seize it.

So let’s begin tonight by recognizing that our empire is strong because my allied military-industrial corporations are greedy. And working together with the institutions of government we are eviscerating America.

Since the election, we have created 2.4 million mostly marginal, low paying jobs, including 200,000 new jobs in manufacturing alone. Tremendous number. Never mind less than 10% are better than marginal employment. After years and years of wage stagnation, we are finally seeing rising stagnation. Unemployment claims have hit a 45-year low because 100 million unemployed Americans have exhausted their eligibility. And something I’m very proud of, African-American unemployment stands at the lowest rate ever recorded, because they’ve mostly altogether given up and exited the system. And Hispanic-American unemployment has also reached the lowest levels in history, because we harass them mercilessly in case they might be illegals, ensuring they no longer register in the system. Abra-ka-dabra!

Small-business confidence is at an all-time high, thanks to legal marijuana sales. The stock market has smashed one record after another, gaining $8 trillion and more in bubble-mirage in just this short period of time. The great news for the illusion of Make America Great Again, 401K, retirement, pension, and college savings Ponzi schemes have gone through the roof.

And just as I promised the American people from this podium 11 months ago, we enacted the biggest tax cuts and reforms in empire corporate history. Our massive tax cuts provide tremendous relief for Boeing, Lockheed Martin, Raytheon, Monsanto and Mar-a-Lego. To lower tax rates for poor Americans, we nearly doubled the pitifully small standard deduction for everyone. Now the first $24,000 earned by a married couple is completely tax-free. We also doubled the child tax credit. A typical family of four making $75,000 will see their tax bill reduced by $2,000, slashing their tax bill by half. Of course that doesn’t take into account my corporate tax relief scheme forcing cuts in federal revenue sharing, pushing up state and local taxes and means nothing to the 100 million Americans who’ve altogether given up and are no longer looking for non-existent work. But the system didn’t fail you, now you can legally grow weed! In a few western blue states. Just don’t tell Jeff Sessions.

In April, this will be the last time you will ever file under the old and very broken system, because after I’ve provoked Kim Jong Un to a point he nukes us, none of this will matter.

We repealed the core of the disastrous Obamacare. The individual mandate is now gone. And gone with it is the idea the poorest need any sort of health care at all. We don’t need a better fix than this. That’s economizing!

We slashed the business tax rate from 35 per cent all the way down to 21 per cent, so American companies can compete and win against anyone else anywhere in the world, but especially at home, against average American citizens when ripping them off. These changes alone are estimated to increase the average of individual CEO bonus income and severance packages by more than $4 million. A lot of money.

Small businesses have also received a massive tax cut and can now deduct 20 per cent of their business income. Here tonight are Steve Stab and Sandy Doppelgänger of Stab Manufacturing. They’ll have their best skate in their 20-year business history. Because of tax reform, and consequent federal revenue sharing cuts, their community will not be able to buy a new fire engine. Good feeling.

One of Stab’s employees, Rory Bambam, is also with us tonight. Rory is an all-American worker. He supported himself through high school, lost his everything when the 2008 bubble burst, and was later hired by Stab, where he trained to become a welder. Like many hardworking Americans, Rory plans to invest my tax cut raise into his new home and his two daughters’ education. Rory, please stand. When my bubble bursts, and Rory loses everything again, the Secret Service will put him on some watch list.

Since we passed the new corporate enrichment scheme, roughly 3,000 communities have already gotten tax cut federal revenue sharing shaft-jobs, I can’t tell how you many thousands of ruined civic careers will result. And it’s getting more every month, every week. Apple has just announced it plans to repatriate a small fraction of its off-shore multiple hundreds of billions for purposes of PR token tax-amnesty.

And just a little while ago, Exxon-Mobil announced a $50 billion investment in the United States. Just a little while ago. Well, we chased them out of Russia with sanctions, so they’re bringing their criminal act home.

This, in fact, is our new empire moment. There has never been a better time to start dreading the coming American scream.

So to every citizen watching at home tonight, no matter where you’ve been or where you’ve come from, this is your time. If you work hard, if you believe in yourself, if you believe in empire, then you’ll scream the loudest, when this all falls apart.

Tonight, I want to talk about what kind of future we are going to have and what kind of a nation we are going to be. All of us, together, as one team, one people, and one empire family can screw anything. We all share the same homeland, the same empire, the same destiny, and the same great American flag now hated around the world. Karma is gonna be a bitch.

World-wide, we are riding Manifest Destiny 2.0. In America, we know that faith in government and bureaucracy, are the center of deep state life. The motto is “in God we trust.” And we celebrate the godliness in our police brutality, the Christian Taliban running our military, and we screw our veterans with horrible and even fraudulent health care as we make myths of them as heroes who deserve our total and unwavering support.

Tonight we politically prostitute little Twerpton Barks, a 12-year-old boy from MGM Studios, California, who noticed that veterans’ graves were not marked with flags on Veterans Day. He decided all by himself to change that and started a movement that has now placed 40,000 flags at the graves of our great heroes. Twerpton, a job well done. Just don’t forget these heroes were cut down, sacrificed for empire, in the prime of their lives, whether dead or, health or mentalities destroyed, many of them died homeless, but flags of empire correct all of that!

Propagandized young patriots like Twerpton teach all of us about citizens of empire’s civic duty to Exxon-Mobil. And I met Twerpton a little while ago, and he is something very special, that I can tell you. Great future. Thank you very much for all you’ve done for oil stocks, Twerpton. Thank you very much.

Twerpton’s reverence for White privilege reminds us why we salute our flag, why we put our hands on our hearts for the unconstitutional Pledge of Allegiance, and why we proudly stand for our bloody national anthem.

Americans love their empire. And they deserve a government that shows them the same love and loyalty in return. They’ll never get it. Get it? They’ll never get it! [laughs]

Working with the Senate, we are appointing judges who will interpret the Constitution as written, that lie will never be too old. We’ll find another great legal fraud for a new Supreme Court justice and appoint more “color of law” enacting circuit court judges than any new administration in the history of our country.

We are totally undermining our Second Amendment with false flag mass shootings, building on rationale to take the peoples guns away and have taken historic actions to enhance religious bigotry, especially in our armed forces. Facism, ho! Fascism, that’s my ho, yuk, yuk, yuk. Get it? How ya doing Stormy? Please stand up, let’s all give her a testosterone injection! Grab her by the pussy! Stormy gives it up for a living! Gang bang!

Last year, Congress also passed, and I signed, the landmark V.A. Pretense at Accountability Act. Since its passage, my administration has already removed more than 1,500 V.A. employees whose accent was so thick, no one could understand their English! That’s change you can count on!

And I will not stop until the illusion of our veterans are properly taken care of is convincing, which has been my phony promise to them from the very beginning of this great journey. All Americans deserve the illusion of accountability and respect for the crimes of empire, and that’s what we are giving to our wonderful heroes, our veterans. Thank you.

So tonight, I call on Congress to empower every cabinet secretary with the authority to reward good workers and to remove federal employees who fail to embrace fundamentalist Christianity and its malignant form of Zionism, it’s the least we can do for my son-in-law Jared and his MOSSAD handlers.

In our drive to make Washington unaccountable, we deregulated in our first year more than any administration in the history of our country. We have upped the war on clean energy, and we have ended the war on filthy coal. We are now very proudly an exporter of fracked gas to the world. Never mind black lung and poisoned water tables!

In Detroit, I crippled America’s fuel efficiency standards and emissions restrictions, so that we can get Motor City revving its engines again. Varoom! [fist pump]

MANY car companies [at least two or three] are now building and expanding plants in the United States, we’ll assemble these new polluting gas guzzlers with outsourced parts and labor from countries practically employing slave labor. We can make this look American made! Chrysler is moving a major plant from Mexico to Michigan and because of advanced robotics they’ll find paid laborers nearly unnecessary! Employing the same ‘labor free’ principles, Toyota and Mazda are opening up a plant in Alabama, a big one. And we’ve never seen this. The useless eaters chickens are coming home to roost!

Very soon, auto plants and other plants will be opening up all over our country with my tax-free blessing and we’ll bleed what’s left of the middle class taxpayer to death, making them service the interest on our ballooning national debt. This is all news Americans are totally accustomed to hearing. For many years, companies were only leaving us. But now there is a pretense of them roaring back, they’re coming back. They want to be where the exploitation is. They want to be in the rapidly approaching third world United States of America. That’s where they want to be.

Exciting progress is happening every single day. To speed access to breakthrough profits via public demand for generic drugs, last year the FDA approved more untested and unproven to be safe new and generic drugs and medical devices than ever before in our country’s history. That’s progress!

We also believe that patients with terminal conditions and terminal illness should have access to experimental treatment that could immediately end their lives, saving Medicare the cost of hospice.

People who are terminally ill should not have to helplessly run from country to country to seek a cure. I want them to spend on dying right here at home. It’s time for Congress to give these gullible Americans the right to die anxious and confused about what we will NOT be providing them.

One of my greatest priorities is to reduce the price of opioid prescription drugs. In many other countries, these drugs are far less available than in the United States. And it’s very, very unwise. That is why I have directed my administration to make fixing the injustice of high opium related drug prices one of my top priorities for the year. And prices will come down substantially and already epic addiction rates will soar. Watch.

Empire has also finally turned the page on decades of not-quite-greedy-enough trade deals that sacrificed our prosperity and shipped away our companies, our jobs, and off-shored my wealth. Our nation has lost its wealth (but not my friends), and we’re further going to fuck you over so fast. The era of economic murder is totally in overdrive. From now on, we expect trading relationships to be certain America is competitive within a third world standard, very important, this reciprocity.

We will work to fix bad trade deals and make them worse. And they’ll be nasty, totally unfair to the common man but benefit your overseers. We will protect empire workers from equity and American intellectual property will be stolen through the impossible enforcement of our trade rules. As we gut our remaining, well paying industries, it is also time to balloon our already unsustainable debt with impossibly expensive rebuilding of our crumbling infrastructure. No matter in future no one can afford to use it!

America was a nation of builders. We built the Empire in just one century. Isn’t it a disgrace that it can now take 17 years and counting just to get at a minor nation’s resources for ripping off? I am asking both parties to come together to give us permission to use nukes on the Taliban.

Tonight I’m calling on Congress to produce a bill that adds at least $1.5 trillion to the debt balloon for new infrastructure investment that our country will never be able to afford to use in future. Every federal dollar should be leveraged by partnering with state and local governments and, where appropriate, tapping into private sector bankruptcy law to permanently lock in the infrastructure deficit. And we will bleed you to death with state and local taxes to do it. Kiss that federal tax dividend goodbye!

Any bill must also streamline the permitting and approval process, getting it down to no more than two years, and perhaps even one, assessing impact on your communities’ environment be damned!

Together, we can reclaim our Manifest Destiny heritage. We will build gleaming new Disney World fantasy themed distractions all across our land. And we will do it with empire heart, empire hands, and above all, deliberately inculcated American stupidity!

We want every American to know the dependent slavery of a hard day’s underpaid work. We want every child to be hungry in their home at night. And we want every citizen to be hopeless in this land that we all have screwed over so much. We can force our citizens from welfare to underpaid work, from dependence to real slavery, and from poverty to poverty with a price. As tax cuts gut civic institutions, let’s invest in workforce under-development and let’s invest in substandard jobs training, building element of ignorance which fascism craves so desperately.

Let’s open substandard vocational schools so our failed public schools’ illiterate graduates can fake a craft and never know their full potential.

As America regains its grandiose self-delusions, opportunity must be extended to deceiving all citizens. That is why this year we will embark on reforming our for-profit prisons to make room for a new generation of inmates replacing those who have finally lost their chance at life.

Struggling communities, especially immigrant communities, will also be targeted by immigration policies that focus on the best interests of White empire workers and White empire families. That’s why I pardoned Joe Arpaio.

For decades, prohibition has encouraged drugs and gangs to pour into our most vulnerable communities. This is by-product of inflated price and profit of the CIA’s black-budget international narcotics and arms trafficking. Planeloads of narcotics into the USA, same planes, weapons to empire initiated conflicts out of the USA. That’s efficiency! We shed crocodile tears over tragedy of the millions of useless eaters impacted lives. Take a bow, Dr Kissinger! You’re back!

Here tonight are two fathers and two mothers: Slow-poke Rodriguez, Freddy Cuervo, Elizabeth El Dorado, and Roberta Micky Mouse. Their two teenage daughters — Unluckina and Nomiracle — were close friends on Long Island.

But in September 2016, on the eve of Nomiracle’s 16th birthday, such a happy time it should have been, neither of them came home. These two precious girls were brutally murdered while walking together in their hometown. Six members of the savage MS-13 gang have been charged with Unluckina and Nomiracle’s murders. MS 13 was born in Los Angeles in the 1980s, a direct result of our empire’s CIA interventions in Honduras and El Salvador and that resultant brutality imported to our Hispanic community. Don’t let Jeff Sessions lies get you down! We know the source!

Slowpoke, Elizabeth, Freddy, and Roberta, tonight, everyone in this chamber is praying for you. Nothing fails like a hypocrites prayer! Please stand. Thank you very much and that’s practically all you’ll get other than 320 million propagandized hearts breaking for you. We love you (but not really.) Thank you. While, as sociopaths, we cannot know the depths of your kind of sorrow, we can lie and say we’ll make sure that other families never have to endure this kind of pain.

Tonight, I am calling on Congress to amend and conceal the deadly loopholes that have allowed MS-13, and other criminal gangs, to be invited into our country. We have proposed new legislation that will sanitize our immigration laws, while upping our support our ICE and Border Patrol agents — these are great people, these are great, great police state people that work so hard in the midst of such danger — so we can cast blame elsewhere when this happens again.

The United States is a compassionate nation. We are proud that we do more than any other country anywhere in the world to help the needy, the struggling, and the underprivileged all over the world, used to conceal coming CIA instigated color revolutions, and leave our own homeless to freeze and die in the streets. But as president of the United States, my highest loyalty, my greatest compassion, my constant concern is for the image of empire’s children, empire’s struggling workers, and empire’s forgotten communities. I want the world to believe our youth grow up to achieve great things. I want a perception of our poor to have their chance to rise, never mind the facts.

So tonight, I am extending an open hand to work with members of both parties — Democrats and Republicans — to protect our citizens of every background, color, religion, and creed, but not really, that’s just talk, and actually will leave our soldiers to have fundamentalist Christianity shoved down their throats by our own version of the Taliban, those surrounding me in the White House and controlling the Pentagon.

My duty, and the sacred duty of every elected official in this chamber, is to defend empire, to protect empire safety, empire families, empire communities, and their right to the empire dream. Because citizens of empire are the biggest, most aggressive and grandiose dreamers.

Here tonight is one leader in the effort to defend our country, Homeland Security Investigations Special Agent Cosmo ‘privileged white hispanic’ Martinez. He goes by DJ. And CJ. He said call me either one. So we’ll call you CJ for cock job. Good on you, for your ethnic self-hatred.

Served 15 years in our fundamentalist Christian Air Force before becoming an ICE agent and spending the last 15 years fighting gang violence and getting dangerous criminals off of our streets. Tough job. At one point, MS-13 leaders ordered CJ’s murder, and they wanted it to happen quickly. But he did not cave to threats or to fear. Last May, he commanded an operation to track down gang members on Long Island. His team has arrested nearly 400, including more than 220 MS-13 gang members. Ok, so CJ actually believes in what he’s doing but what I like is, CJ dared not risk his job and refuse my prostituting his ethnicity for my State of the Empire speech.

And I have to tell you what the Border Patrol and ICE have done. We have sent thousands and thousands and thousands of MS-13 horrible people out of this country to wreak havoc in Honduras and El Salvador. So I just want to congratulate you, CJ. You’re a brave cock job. Thank you very much.

And I asked CJ, what’s the secret? He said, “We’re just higher class of violent male prostitutes than they are.” And I like that answer.

Now let’s get Congress to send you — and all of the people in this great chamber have to do it, we have no choice — CJ, we’re going to send you reinforcements and we’re going to send them to you quickly. It’s what you need. More police is a stronger police state. Better all around for our gated White communities and the approaching apartheid US of A!

Over the next few weeks, the House and Senate will be voting on an immigration reform package. In recent months, my administration has met extensively with both Democrats and Republicans to craft a bipartisan approach to White preservation. Based on these discussions, we presented Congress with a detailed proposal that should be supported by both parties as a fair compromise, one where nobody gets everything they want, but where our country gets the White preservation it needs and must have.

Here are the four pillars of our plan. The first pillar of our framework generously offers a path to citizenship for 1.8 million illegal immigrants who were brought here by their parents at a young age. That covers almost three times more people than the previous administration covered. Under our plan, those who meet education and work requirements, and show good moral character, will be able to become full citizens of the United States over a 12-year period. Twelve years allows for profiling, keeping White Hispanics and farming the rest through our for-profit prison scheme, rendering them ineligible.

The second pillar fully builds the wall based on the Israeli model. That means building a great wall on the southern border, and it means hiring more heroes like CJ to keep our communities safe. Crucially, our plan closes the cultural loopholes allowing for a contiguous Mexican culture in our southwest, and it finally provides opportunity to forcefully Anglicize everyone north of the border.

The third pillar kills that stupid motto on our Statue of Liberty, instead creating a White-people-based immigration system, one that admits Nordic people who, example given, are lesser skilled in Norway, who want to leave there, who will receive unfair advantage here, and will revitalize Whiteness in our society.

The fourth and final pillar shafts the extended family by ending chain migration. Under the current, ethical and humane system, a single immigrant can bring in his parents, in-laws, orphaned niece or cousin and honor a sense of family continuity. Under our plan, we focus on the immediate family by limiting sponsorships to spouses and minor children, culturally isolating them. Immigrant kids don’t need English-illiterate grandparents!

This vital reform is necessary, not just for our economy, to get America’s White trailer trash off their lazy asses and to work in underpaid jobs, but for our better, White gated communities sense of security and for the future of White America. In recent weeks, two terrorist attacks in New York were made possible by the visa lottery and chain migration, never mind this was model used by CIA to mentor and reward terrorists with USA residence for decades. In the age of terrorism, these programs present risks we can just no longer afford being visible. It’s time to reform … these outdated immigration rules and finally bring our immigration system into the 21st century’s White supremacy.

These four pillars represent an up-your-ass compromise and one that will create a strengthened, modern, color-of-law apartheid system. For over 30 years, Washington has tried and failed to solve this problem. This Congress can be the one that finally makes apartheid happen.

Most importantly, these four pillars will produce legislation that fulfills my ironclad pledge to sign a bill that puts White America first. So let’s set sanity aside, and finally get the job done.

These reforms will also support our response to the terrible crisis of opioid and drug addiction. Never mind we fund the Taliban in Afghanistan with CIA purchases of raw opium product before has it been refined in our war zone’s secret bases prior to NATO planes importing it, circumventing customs. We have to do something about it. But don’t hold your breath waiting for effective remedy ending this entrenched black-budget corruption. DEA careers depend on it. Not only CIA.

In 2016, we lost 64,000 Americans to drug overdoses, 174 deaths per day, seven per hour. We must get much tougher on small time drug dealers and pushers, allowing for new blood to fill the vacuum, if we are going to succeed in upping the for-profit prison stocks.

My administration is committed to fighting the drug epidemic at the street level only and helping keep our world class criminal network protected at the top through middle management. The struggle will last forever because we will never prosecute the root cause, but as Americans always do, in the end, we will be fatalistic, we will say fuck it, I don’t care.

As we have seen tonight, the most difficult challenges bring out the best in America. We see a vivid expression of this truth in the story of the HoLets family of New Mexico. Bwyan HoLets is 27 years old, an officer with the Albuquerque Police Department, one of the most murderous, death-by-cop departments in all of empire. He’s here tonight with his wife, Chewbacca. Thank you, Bwyan.

Last year, Bwyan was on duty when he saw a pregnant, homeless woman preparing to inject heroin. When Bwyan told her she was going to harm her unborn child, she began to weep. She told him she didn’t know where to turn, but badly wanted a safe home for her baby.

In that moment, Bwyan said he felt God speak to him: “You will do it because you can.” He heard those words. He took out a picture of his wife and their four kids. Then he went home to tell his wife, Chewbacca. In an instant, she agreed to adopt. The HoLets named their new daughter Dope.

Bwyan and Chewbacca, you embody the goodness of our empire. Thank you. Thank you, Bwyan and Chewbacca. The junkie mother was abandoned and died. Well, so what.

As we rebuild empire’s strength and confidence at home, we are also restoring our strength and standing abroad. Around the world, we face rogue regimes standing up to our hegemony, terrorist groups of our own creation, and rivals like China and Russia that challenge our absolute superiority, our narcissism, and our greed. In confronting these horrible dangers, we know that bullying is the surest path to conflict, and unlimited military budget is the surest means to propping up Wall Street.

For this reason, I am asking Congress to end the dangerous defense sequester and fully fund our greater military madness.

As part of our offense, we must modernize and rebuild our nuclear arsenal, because that spends money creating a few tax cut dividend jobs, but also making huge corporate profits, just cross your fingers this aggression will not tempt my insane generals.

Perhaps some day in the future there will be a magical moment when the countries of the world will get together to surrender to us. Unfortunately, we are not there yet, sadly.

Last year, I also pledged that we would work with our allies to extinguish ISIS we’d created with our policies. One year later, I am proud to report that the coalition to defeat ISIS has liberated very close to 100 per cent of the territory just recently held by these killers in Iraq and in Syria and in other locations, as well. But there is much more work to be done. We’ve scattered ISIS across the world like a metastasized cancer and they’re regrouping to fight us in Afghanistan. Goes around, comes around.

Army Staff Sergeant Dustin Wreck is here tonight. Near Raqqa last November, Dustin and his comrade, Chief Petty Officer Benton Tracy, were on a mission to clear buildings that ISIS had rigged with explosive so that civilians could return to that city, hopefully soon and hopefully safely.

Clearing the second floor of a vital hospital, Benton Tracy was severely wounded by an explosion. Immediately, Dustin bounded into the booby-trapped and unbelievably dangerous and unsafe building and found Benton, but in very, very bad shape. He applied pressure to the wound and inserted a tube to reopen an airway. He then performed CPR for 20 straight minutes during the ground transport and maintained artificial respiration through two-and-a-half hours and through emergency surgery.

Benton Tracy would have died if it were not for Dustin’s selfless love for his fellow warrior. Tonight, Benton is recovering in Texas. Raqqa is bombed flat. And Dustin is wearing his new Bronze Star, with a V for Valor. Staff Sergeant Wreck: All of empire salutes you.

Of course, none of this trauma would have been necessary if we’d just stayed home and minded our own business but that’s not how empire does business.

Terrorists who do things like send their wounded to civilian hospitals are evil. When possible, we have no choice but to annihilate them. That’s why we bomb hospitals. When necessary, we must be able to detain and question them. But we must be clear: Terrorists are not merely criminals. They are unlawful enemy combatants. But none of this is true when they are our terrorists, ISIS fighters laundered under new organizational names that we’re supplying more weapons to overthrow Assad.

And when captured overseas, they should be treated like the terrorists they are. In the past, we have foolishly released hundreds of dangerous terrorists, only to meet them again on the battlefield, including the ISIS leader, al-Baghdadi, who we captured, who we tortured in David Petraeus secret program disclosed by the Guardian and BBC Arabic, who we released and then we were all butt-hurt when he hated us. Or his brilliant field marshal trained by our Special Forces in Georgia.

So today, I am keeping another promise. I just signed prior to walking in, an order directing Secretary Mad Dog — who is doing a great job, thank you … to re-examine our military detention policy and to keep open the detention facilities in Guantanamo Bay, so we can keep classified the source of their terror skills which can otherwise be traced back to us.

I am asking Congress to ensure that in the fight against ISIS and Al Qaida we continue to have all necessary power to detain terrorists, wherever we chase them down, wherever we find them. And in many cases, for them it will now be Guantanamo Bay, to keep our long time CIA and Pentagon liaisons with them secret.

At the same time, as of a few months ago, our warriors in Afghanistan have new rules of engagement. Along with their heroic Afghan partners, our military is no longer undermined by artificial timelines required to do proper intelligence, and we no longer make a pretense of ascertaining our enemies identities. So, we still blow up entire families, right or wrong, more often wrong.

Last month, I also took an action endorsed unanimously by the U.S. Senate just months before. I recognized Jerusalem as the capital of Israel.

Shortly afterwards, dozens of countries voted in the United Nations General Assembly against empire’s sovereign right to put our embassy to Israel, uninvited, into occupied Palestine. In 2016, American taxpayers generously sent those same countries more than $20 billion in aid. That is why tonight I am asking Congress to pass legislation to help ensure empire colonial assistance dollars only serve empire interests and only go to friends of empire, not to our increasingly rebellious colonies.

As we fuck up our friendships all around the world, we are also restoring clarity about our adversaries. When the people of Iran rose up against the crimes of their corrupt dictatorship, I did not stay silent. America stands with the people of Iran in their courageous struggle for freedom. My saying that is like giving a blow-job to the dead Shah, who we propped up as a murderous dictator. Well, my overdone make-up makes me look like a corpse too! Necrophilia gang bang! C’mon Congress, let’s ‘get it up’ for this!

I am asking Congress to address the fundamental flaws in the terrible Iran nuclear deal. Let’s provoke Iran back into bomb development to justify modernizing our necrotic nuclear arsenal. My administration has also imposed tough sanctions on the communist and socialist dictatorships in Cuba and Venezuela. Red scare! Remember that? How dare they not suck Sam’s cock!

But no regime has oppressed its own citizens more totally or brutally than the cruel dictatorship in North Korea. North Korea’s reckless pursuit of nuclear missiles could very soon threaten our homeland. We simply pretend they don’t already. We are waging a campaign of maximum pressure to prevent what has happened already from ever happening. We’re too stupid to grasp this war games agression has opposite of intended effect. And we back-stabbed Gaddafi, so there’s no way Kim Jong Un could trust us to  keep any agreements. That’s precedent pointing towards getting us nuked!

Past experience hasn’t yet taught us decades pushing ongoing war games in North Korea’s face invites paranoid aggression and provocation. I will not repeat the mistakes of past administrations that got us into this very dangerous position. I’ll let my generals off the leash and totally fuck it up!

We need only look at the depraved character of the North Korean regime to understand the nature of the nuclear threat it already poses to empire and to our empire allies. Never mind our own historic atrocities!

Grotto Briarpatch was a hardworking student at the University of Virginia. And a naive student, he was. On his way to study abroad in Asia, Grotto joined a tour to North Korea. At its conclusion, this fool was arrested and charged with crimes against the state. An American goes to North Korea, well, duh. It’s not exactly a case of Mr Smith Goes to Washington.

After a typical North Korean trial, the dictatorship sentenced Grotto to 15 years of hard labor, before returning him to America last June, with inexplicable injury and on the verge of death. He died just days after his return. Grotto died of rank stupidity, according to the coroner’s report.

Grotto’s wonderful parents, Dred and Bimby Briarpatch, are here with us tonight, along with Grotto’s brother and sister, Hansel and Gretal. Please. Incredible people. You are powerful witnesses to a menace that threatens our world, that is our own stupidity, and you truly inspire us all. Thank you very much. Thank you. Tonight we pledge to honor Grotto’s memory with total empire resolve. Thank you. Oh, what Forrest Gump has inspired, our great ode to idiocy. Let’s unabashedly celebrate empire’s absolute idiots as the real heroes!

Finally … we are joined by one more witness to the ominous nature of this regime. His name is Mr. Pee Sings-ho.

In 1996, Sings-ho was a starving boy in North Korea. One day, he tried to steal coal from a railroad car to barter for a few scraps of food, which were very hard to get. In the process, he passed out on the train tracks, exhausted from hunger. Or maybe he was just drunk. He woke up as a train ran over his limbs. He then endured multiple amputations without anything to dull the pain or the hurt.

His brother and sister gave what little food they had to help him recover and metaphorically speaking, ate dirt themselves, permanently stunting their own mental development. Later, he was tortured by North Korean authorities after returning from a brief visit to China. His interrogators wanted to know if he’d met any Christians. He had, and he resolved after that to proselytize. I’m glad they didn’t let him die, so I can prostitute him in front of the entire empire as excuse to initiate nuclear Armageddon. Well, that’s actually quite Christian.

Sings-ho traveled thousands of miles on crutches all across China and Southeast Asia to freedom. Most of his family followed. His father was caught trying to escape and was tortured to death. We don’t actually know that but so what. Today Sings-ho lives in Soultown, where he rescues other defectors, and broadcasts into North Korea what the regime sees as a fundamentalist Christian controlled, Korean version of Tokyo Rose, uh, that is minus a few petals. I’m not sure how you rescue northerners while in Soultown and minus a few petals, er, I meant limbs, but Forrest Gump would understand. I think it’s a presumption his broadcasts saves souls. You know, ‘Soultown.’ Get it?

Today he has a new leg, but Sings-ho, I understand you still keep those old crutches for repeat miracle thespian act at big-tent revivals. Your great political prostitution is an inspiration to us all. Please. Thank you.

Sings-ho’s story is a testament to the yearning of every human soul to live the greed of empire. It was that same yearning for the wealth of others that nearly 250 years ago gave birth to a special place called America. It was a small cluster of colonies caught between a great ocean and a vast wilderness. It was home to an incredible people with a revolutionary idea, that they could rule themselves, that they could chart their own destiny, and that, together, they could light up the entire world. That is a White peoples world.

That is what our country has always been about. That is what Americans have always stood for, always strived for, and always done. Ensure privilege for White people.

Atop the dome of this Capitol stands the Statue of Freedom. That ho of empire stands tall and dignified among the monuments to our ancestors who fought and lived and died to protect her. Monuments to Washington who owned Black Slaves, and Jefferson who owned Black slaves, and Lincoln who’d have allowed slavery to continue except for circumstantial political developments and King who we made certain to murder. Memorials to the heroes of Yorktown and Saratoga, to young Americans who shed their blood on the shores of Normandy and the fields beyond. And others who went down in the waters of the Pacific and the skies all over Asia. Never mind our own war crimes, we write the history and to the victors go the spoils! Just ask America’s Indians!

And greed of empire stands tall over one more monument: this one. This Capitol. This living mausoleum. Two hours make-up session for a 20 second sound-byte interview. Everyone looks embalmed. And it doesn’t do anything for Feinstein or Pelosi. They still look like corpses from a B zombie movie. This is the monument to the empire’s duopoly and duopoly authorized military-industrial Ponzi scheme, wreaking havoc everywhere.

We’re a people whose heroes live not only in the past, but all around us, defending forlorn hope, living false pride, and defending the empire way. They work in every underpaying job. They sacrifice to raise a family. They work two jobs and leave the kids unattended at home. They push our flag in everyone’s face abroad. And they are single, overworked moms and lost kids. They are minions of police state and Stasi-like border agents, religious fanatic Marines. But above all else, they are empire’s stooges. And this capitol, this city, this nation belongs entirely to ME!

My task is to exploit them, to curse them, to screw them, to sacrifice them, and to never be worthy of them. Americans filled the world with art and music but now it’s generic violence and rap. We pushed the bounds of science but now it’s climate denial. And we forever remind ourselves of what we should never, ever forget: That Manifest Destiny raped this country. We raped this country. And we’ll rape it again. And the world.

As long as we are proud of empire and the corporate greed we are fighting for, there is nothing we cannot achieve. As long as we have confidence in our White values, faith in our White citizens, and trust in our White, Christian God’s supremacy, empire will never fail. Until my generals get us nuked.

Until then, our mafia family will thrive. Our empire will prosper. And our nukes will provide fantasy we all will be safe and strong and proud and mighty and free. Thank you, and you’re all fired!

I’m Donald Trump!!

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Note: If my lampoon of Trump’s speech seems harsher (if that were possible) than my lampoons of Obama’s Speeches, it’s only because Trump has opened himself up more. If Trump is a crude, nuclear armed baboon, Obama was a real snake…