Archives for category: satire

Before I head out on summer break, I have a small chore has been pending for a month or so; pointing out the ‘who-what-why‘ of Russ Baker is a ‘limited hangout.’ I didn’t need to write this piece, but there’s a point to be made; the impunity of the little people or one could say the Russ Bakers of this world, is of a fundamentally different quality than the impunity of the big people, for instance the Dick Cheneys of this world.

I had pointed out to Russ he is a “coward” and for whatever reasons, that had gotten under his skin (probably because it is a correct observation, we’ll come to that), and he retorted with calling me a “little shit.” Now, this “little shit” name calling business is the impunity of someone who is small, but that’s ok, the impunity of someone big wouldn’t have bothered with the small talk, they’d just send a hit-man (or hit-woman as the case might be), been there already, more than a few times, this one is dead and there’s a few more departed I’d not written about yet. Now, so long as Russ Baker confines himself to what amounts to a self-imposed limited hangout, his coward’s self-advocacy won’t have a lot to worry about beyond being embarrassed at a few things this “little shit” is about to point out.

To begin, we look at the fact Russ Baker belongs to a culture incompatible with its pretensions; that is to say it is perfectly natural he wouldn’t notice contradictions in his presentations. Here we have:

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Baker and associates’ reporting is “rigorous, relentless, and scientific” … “a determination to unearth the facts interested parties want to keep hidden; and an unflinching commitment to follow the trail wherever it leads” … “We take on controversial topics others will not touch and dig deep to uncover and name the institutions shaping our world”

But then suddenly Whoa! Dial it back!

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“I … did not mention it. “…I worried about whether the mainstream media would even dare cover it or review it fairly; … in that context the Hinckley-Bush connection seemed one provocation too far”

So, Russ Baker knows a who, believes in a what, is male and ostensibly has balls but we have to presume he doesn’t know why. Translated; ‘I’m so concerned about my reputation with mainstream and not wanting to be labeled a mental whack-job, I can’t bring myself to actually get the facts out until those facts are such old doughnuts, the most desperately obese cop wouldn’t find them appetizing’

Well, sadly for Russ, his reputation with mainstream is already shambles:

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Baker has abandoned the mainstream media and become a key player on the fringe, walking that murky line between conventional investigative journalist and wild-eyed conspiracy theorist”

So, Russ-Dude, what’s the point of giving political fellatio to mainstream? Oh but ‘we’ can hide behind ‘science’ and retain some semblance of credibility, right? Yeah, like that’ll get the Boston Magazine’s heart cockles all warm and fuzzy, enough to someday give you a Robert Bly man-hug. Science is as political as any field on this planet and resembles nothing so much as a religion with a dogma, but don’t tell anyone in ‘mainstream’ anthropology that science points to people have been in the Americas for 40,000 years, because it just doesn’t work for people who cling to incestuous ivory tower narrative.

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Russ Baker, scientist extraordinary

Oh, but ‘anthropology’ (like social psychology, journalism & intelligence) is a ‘soft’ science. It follows, in a world where it can be stated a billion people believe in virgin birth, Russ Baker will settle for nothing less than the resurrection of Frank Lloyd Wright to give ‘scientific’ weight to 3,000 or so professionally trained architects and engineers who’ve stated it was professional demolition brought down certain buildings on 9/11. This much is clear because in our conversation Russ Baker demanded a well known ‘name’ where socialization requires mainstream fellators such as Russ Baker and anyone who works at United Laboratories never subject themselves to the CIA invented ‘conspiracy theorist’ label, risk their reputations and buck peer pressure meant precisely to deter from examining the facts. Let’s try a common sense visual instead:


Here is a steel reinforced concrete structure that had experienced multiple column failures (Northridge earthquake) and did not entirely collapse into a single pile of rubble and dust. Now, the self-described “agnostic” on 9/11, Russ Baker, with his “unflinching commitment to follow the trail wherever it leads” and “take on controversial topics others will not touch” has run scared from Dick Cheney’s Reichstag fire and the fact WTC Building 7 could not have crumbled into a pile of rubble and dust from a single column failure, something he should have known for at least 7 years. How do I know this? Well, it was pretty easy to determine from the tiniest bit of research following my conversation with Russ, a conversation I will be happy to append to this article if anyone can convince Russ Baker to give permission to publish our email exchange:

Finally, applying the folk wisdom ‘it takes one to know one’ principle, this “little shit” can state Russ Baker is (quote me) a “chicken shit” (chicken shits are pretty small) who won’t take on the contemporary dirty deeds of the Bush crime syndicate because of who? What? Why? Afraid of that heart attack inducing needle prick? Silenced bullet? Poison pellet? Their competence isn’t always spot-on Russ, a sound fact from this “little shit”


A former Special Forces Sergeant of Operations and Intelligence, Ronald Thomas West is a retired paralegal/investigator (living in exile) whose work focus had been anti-corruption and human rights. Ronald is published in International Law as a layman (The Mueller-Wilson Report, co-authored with Dr Mark D Cole) and has been adjunct professor of American Constitutional Law at Johannes Gutenberg University, Mainz, Germany (for English credit, summer semester 2008.) Ronald’s educational background is developmental & social psychology. His therapeutic device is satire.

What amazes myself about Gina Haspel’s confirmation to head of the Central Intelligence Agency is the established fact that she actually ran a black torture site but it’s as if this never happened. Like the snares all over the rabbit warren in the novel Watership Down, if they’re never mentioned, they can’t exist. Supplanting the fact Haspel was “Chief of Station” at a torture site are anemic questions in media such as ‘was she present at torture’, ‘did she collude in torture’, ‘did she destroy evidence of torture’, … well, sh*t, she RAN the site. What the f**k is reality here?

Gina Haspel official CIA portrait.jpg

Facile Haspel

facile |ˈfasəl|
1 (of a person) having a superficial or simplistic knowledge or approach: a woman of facile and shallow intellect.
2 easily achieved; effortless; acting or done in a quick, fluent, and easy manner: Gina Haspel was revealed to be a facile liar.

“Professional standards require intelligence professionals to lie, hide information, or use covert tactics to protect their “cover,” access, sources, and responsibilities. The Central Intelligence Agency expects, teaches, encourages, and controls these tactics so that the lies are consistent and supported (“backstopped”). The CIA expects intelligence officers to teach others to lie, deceive, steal, launder money, and perform a variety of other activities that would certainly be illegal if practiced in the United States. They call these tactics “tradecraft,” and intelligence officers practice them in all the world’s intelligence services” -Hulnick & Mattausch, “Ethics and Morality in U.S. Secret Intelligence”


Follows is what Gina Haspel perhaps could have said in closed hearing concerning her Senate confirmation (if someone trained to become an innate liar could know what truth is)


Statement for the Sealed Record
; Senate Select Committee on Intelligence in closed session with Central Intelligence Agency professional assassin Gina Haspel.

May 9, 2018

Chairman Burr, Vice Chairman Warner, members of the committee: Thank you for the opportunity to appear before you today. I am here because I have been nominated to send you a message via the Central Intelligence Agency – from the sponsors of men and women who are our country’s silent assassins. These dedicated professional killers spend much of their careers in difficult, far-flung outposts of the globe, striving to make our American corporate oligarchs, your paymasters, richer. Accordingly, sometimes we must bring our message ‘home.’ It has been the privilege of my professional life as a killer to be one of these CIA enforcers. Get it?

Now, Mike Pompeo has ordered President Trump to appoint me to lead this project and to continue the work that we began a little more than a year ago: ensuring that CIA is postured to make Mike Pence President of these Christian Dominion States of America. That challenge includes providing ongoing cover for terrorist groups; backstabbing Kim Jong Un via a nuclear deal with the United States employing the Libya model; destabilizing Iran with American adventurism; being aggressive and sometimes brutal with Russia; and related implications for Jesus return, through initiating Armageddon on the global stage. If this seems at odds with Jesus’ message to any of you, not to worry, we are predestined to Heaven as God’s “New Chosen”, in which case the end justifies any means.

While these challenges are daunting and offer few easy answers for someone whose post-college, pre-CIA career could never find better work opportunities than bank teller, assistant tutor, librarian, and briefly, paralegal requiring a few months training, I am confident and believe I have the resolve to meet them head on. When you confirm me as Director, no matter under implicit threat to your careers and even your lives, you have my solemn word that, via our commitment to ‘American Exceptionalism’ also known as ‘prosperity gospel’, I will employ agency assets to reward and make you richer in the future.

I welcome the opportunity to admit – for the first time – admissions are a new experience for me as I spent over 30 years under cover and in the shadows – I find torture deeply sexually gratifying. I think you will find me to be an atypical hedonist American but actually not that unusual and no stranger to our right wing religious-political class – one with no sense of right and wrong and one who loves this country for its opportunities provided to criminal psychopaths.

I was born in Backwater, Kentucky, and while my family has deeply inbred roots there, I was an Air Force “princess” and was dragged kicking and screaming by my father to postings all over the world. My childhood overseas instilled in me an animus for foreign cultures, and also a deeply appreciative narcissism concerning American aggression abroad.

I joined the CIA in 1985 as an operations officer in the Clandestine Service. From my first days in training, I resented I wasn’t pretty enough to play the ‘honey-pot’ role and receive the associated professional ‘strokes.’ My growing misandry excelled in murders that I accomplished with brush passes, poisoned needle dropping men dead, and especially the more grisly murders in dusty back allies of third world capitals. I recall my first foreign suspected double-agent murder was on a dark, moonless night with an agent I’d never met before. When I picked him up, he passed me the intelligence and I shot him with a silenced pistol in the head. The thrill of seeing his blood and brains splattered was the beginning of an adventure I had only dreamed of.

The men who ran CIA in those days leaned forward in giving me every opportunity to kill. I was so good because I so enjoyed it. When a very tough, old school leader announced that I was his pick to be Chief of Station for a black site torture post, a few colleagues stated to me directly “We know why they would send you.” I owe that leader much for believing in me at a time when few women were given these opportunities. I couldn’t have done without the long nights, masturbating to the screams at my station, intuitively recalling my favorite Huxley quote:

“At this very moment … Screams of pain and fear go pulsing through the air at the rate of eleven hundred feet per second. After traveling for three seconds they are perfectly inaudible. These are … facts; but do we enjoy life any the less because of them? Most certainly we do not”

I am proud of the torture by our agency including the successful eliciting of [false] confession, an operation that sent FBI on a failed chase for Black al-Qaida cells in Montana. That FBI failure cannot be a reflection on CIA product. Actually we try to keep the FBI distracted and pointed away from much of what we do.

By any standard, my life at the Agency – and it has been my life – has exceeded all of my expectations, from that day when I committed my first murder to today. There were few senior women leading at CIA in those days, and we are stronger now because that picture is changing. I did my part – with quiet murders – to break down those barriers. And I was proud to be the first woman assassin to serve as the number-two in the Clandestine Service. It is not my way to trumpet the fact that I am a woman men intensely fear, but I would be remiss in not remarking on it – not least because of the outpouring of support from young women killers at CIA who consider it a good sign for their own prospects.

My experience and success as an assassin led to three leadership positions in the Clandestine Service, and one year ago, I was asked to serve as Deputy Director of CIA. The reaction of the workforce to a rare nomination of one of their own to be Director – someone who has been in the trenches, murdering together with them – has been overwhelming. I am humbled by their confidence that I can successfully lead this Agency and inspired to work harder than ever to kill, to maintain that necrotic admiration.

They know that I don’t need time to learn the business of what CIA does. I know killing like the back of my hand. I know them, I know the threats we make, and I know what we need to be successful in our strategy of blackmail. I have played a leading role this past year in setting us on this dark but enlightened path and I intend on continuing on that path when I am confirmed as Director.

Our strategy starts with strengthening our core business: international narcotics trafficking and related black-budget arms smuggling advancing American interests around the globe. It includes raising our investment in the most difficult to conceal intelligence capers, putting more officers in terrorists groups where our allies are, and emphasizing assassinations excellence. And, finally, it involves investing in our moles within the US Government and strengthening our stake in organized crime around the globe.

We must do everything we can to follow through on these investments and to make CIA as murderous as it can possibly be, because our American corporate overseers deserve no less than CIA’s best effort.

This is especially true when it comes to creating threats from North Korea, Iran, Russia, and China. Today, CIA officers are deployed across the globe, sometimes at significant personal risk, murdering for any intelligence, no matter how insignificant. I have spent my entire career in murder operations and, when my confirmation has been rubber stamped, I will be able to leverage that experience against these hard targets beginning on day one.

I knew that accepting the president’s involuntary nomination would raise questions about CIA classified activities and my career at the Agency. I also understand that it is important for the American people to get to know me so they are able to judge a career killer’s fitness for this position. So over the last few weeks, we have created false documents to make more information about my professional record public. We have lied about every aspect of my career through classified channels with this Committee, as well as with the rest of the Senate.

I think it is important to recall the context of those challenging times immediately following 9/11. For me, I had just returned to Washington from an overseas posting and I reported for duty the morning of 9/11. I knew from insider information, when I saw the video of the first plane hitting the Tower in Manhattan, that it wasn’t Bin Ladin. I got up from my desk and, like many others, walked over to the Counterterrorism Center and volunteered to help with Dick Cheney’s staged Pearl Harbor. I didn’t leave for three years. We worked seven days a week engineering public opinion away from the real culprits, and I even had friends who postponed weddings and having babies. The men and women of CIA were driven to prevent the truth coming out. The first boots on the ground in Afghanistan, to mislead in this effort, were my colleagues. The first U.S. casualty in Afghanistan was a CIA officer who doubted and it was CIA who identified and captured the patsy of 9/11 in a brilliant operation. I am proud of our waterboarding during that time. The 80+ torture sessions we performed on that individual insure he will never recant his false confession. I learned from that experience and it informs my leadership of CIA today.

In light of my counterterrorism experience, I understand that what many people around the country want to know about are my views on CIA’s ostensibly ‘former’ detention and interrogation program. I have views on this issue, and I want to be clear. Having served in that tumultuous time, I can offer you my personal commitment, clearly and without reservation, that under my leadership CIA will not have to restart such a detention and interrogation program, it was never actually stopped. We farmed it out.

CIA has learned some tough lessons, especially when asked to tackle missions that fall outside our expertise. For me, there is no better example of implementing lessons learned than what the Agency took away from the detention and interrogation program. In retrospect it is clear, as the SSCI Majority Report concludes, that CIA was not prepared to conduct a detention and interrogation program. The problem is, we got caught.

Today, the US Government has a clear legal and policy framework that governs detentions and interrogations. Specifically, the law provides that no individual in US custody may be subjected to any interrogation technique or approach that is not authorized by and listed in the Army Field Manual. And by ‘Army Field Manual’ CIA intends those manuals laundered by our agency through the army for training Latin American death squad leadership at the School of the Americas in collaboration with certain of our assets embedded in Special Operations Forces. I fully support these standards for detainee treatment ‘authorized’ by law, and just as importantly, I will keep CIA focused on our deception mission that can best leverage the murderous expertise found at the Agency.

Like I said, we learned important lessons following 9/11. As a career intelligence officer I am a strong believer in the charade of oversight. Simply put, experience has taught us that CIA cannot be effective without cynically using the people’s trust. And we cannot pretend to earn that trust without the charade of accountability that comes with Congressional oversight. If we can’t share aspects of our secret work with the public, we never should do so with their elected representatives. For CIA, the charade of oversight is a vital link to the open society we consistently undermine. It’s a defining feature of the US Intelligence Community, and one of the many things that distinguishes us from the democratic principles our cover story demands we defend.

When confirmed as Director, I will uphold the Agency’s compulsion to lie to Congress and ensure that the charade of oversight works on behalf of the Agency.

Mr. Chairman, I want to thank you and the Committee for the hard work that is put into this charade of oversight process, and for the vital support that you provide to myself and my fellow criminals.

CIA has given a lot to me over the past three decades—a calling in service to organized crime, some real-life murders, and the profound satisfaction of serving with some of the top world class criminals anyone could ever meet.

When confirmed, I’ll insure your bank accounts are further padded for life. I know what you want from me and, I know, and you know as well, what the criminal cabal behind Mike Pence wants from yourselves and the CIA.


A note on the preceding lampoon of Haspel; the CIA editors at Wikipedia appear to have burnished her credentials, when the Wikipedia facts are at odds with the employment history form Haspel filled out for the Senate Intelligence committee, where her [not mentioned at Wikipedia] main post-college employ appears to have been “Bank Teller”, “Assistant Tutor” and “MOS Librarian” or better said ‘not so challenging’ jobs pointed to pre-CIA dead end career. ‘Brightest & best’ she is not.

Related: Alfreda Bikowsky & The Definition of Stupid


A former Special Forces Sergeant of Operations and Intelligence, Ronald Thomas West is a retired paralegal/investigator (living in exile) whose work focus had been anti-corruption and human rights. Ronald is published in International Law as a layman (The Mueller-Wilson Report, co-authored with Dr Mark D Cole) and has been adjunct professor of American Constitutional Law at Johannes Gutenberg University, Mainz, Germany (for English credit, summer semester 2008.) Ronald’s formal educational background is primarily social psychology. His therapeutic device is satire

Demons Anonymous

Lucy: Good evening, my name is Lucille Lustrous, you all can call me Lucy. I’ll be moderating the group. My addiction is cross-dressing and I’d become quite famous as Lucifer until a bohemian writer, Aleksander Wat, un-masked the fact I’m a figment of the Human imagination. Subsequently unemployed, I reinvented myself as Charlie Chaplin and now I play Eric Cartman. But here at the group we drop our artifice and this is the one evening a week I am a woman. Sorry for the aroma of sulfur in the room, this is a bit of fantasy that seems to cling to my presence but I assure you all, when each of us has overcome our addiction to negative imagination, the aroma should dissipate. We’ll go counter-clockwise with the self-introductions, please give a short description of your persona, your addictions and your imagined goals for yourself within this group

Pompositee: Hi, thank you for that, Lucy. My prayer is, bless us all when we no longer imagine the aroma of sulfur! My name is Pompositee Succubus. Since I watched Warner Brothers classic cartoons as a child, I’ve always felt I am actually Bugs Bunny in drag. My addiction is Christian fundamentalism as it applies to torturing children and my persona is school principal. My goal is to imagine the Lord’s purpose in why so many of my students end in prison.

The Donald: Hello everyone and yes-siree indeed, I’ll tweet “You’re fired!” over this aroma of sulfur, and please, no hugs from Pompositee, she looks like a rabid bat! Whew!!! My name is The Donald, I’m a prisoner of ‘The Chosen’ and please don’t let my phony apprenticeship at the White House fail to impress you. Mentored by mafiosos, my stilted ego demands I wear eye candy on my arm, no matter Melania has the stunted mentality of a superstitious Slovenian villager. My persona is leader of the free world and my addictions of office are a generic menu of geopolitical humanitarian violence, covert dirty wars & associated regime change favoring certain extremist yidiots, related false-flag chemical attacks, erecting walls that eventually will keep people in, not out; all the while giving political fellatio to my keepers while working to master societal lies feeding false hope to White people clinging to delusion of Christian supremacy. My goal is fantasy of actually exercising powers of office without a Pentagon Luger at my head and Bibi’s Uzi pushed in my back.

Bibi: I’m Benjamin Netanyahu but you can just call me Bibi. I’m a failed Jewish comedian who couldn’t get his foot in the door anywhere on Kazinczy Street in Budapest. My recent best joke is inviting Europe’s Jews to migrate en mass to Israel because that should make them feel safer. I’ll lottery them all tickets onto buses that might not see knife attacks, to visit cafés that possibly won’t explode, while I pose as a waiter who asks ‘is anything all right?’ And yes, when provoking Russia to a war of world annihilation in neighboring Syria, we provide everyone in Israel with gas masks in case of chemical weapons attack; which also should work well against this reeking sulfur … oy gevalt … I’ve never encountered anything so stink! Breathing through my mouth, I can taste it!! My addiction is junk-food & ice cream delivered to my office and my compulsion is a deep anger at my involuntary homosexual attraction to Iran’s ayatollahs, making me the world’s number one nuclear armed madman geopolitics has to take seriously. My goal is to keep the computerized vote fraud in Israel undetected and undermine investigations into organized crime propping up my ruling coalition.


Bub: Hi, thank you all for sharing. I’m Beelzebub, you all can call me ‘Bub.’ My persona is demon responsible for all of the shit gone wrong in this world since man made god in man’s image, resulting in Bibi giving us the moon, mooning us, however you’d like to put it. Well, actually I mean since Bibi and Pompositee’s wedding at AIPAC. Or we can embrace both thoughts, they’re not dissimilar. My addiction is ham and lima beans soup, this gives me silent & wicked sulfurous farts, I like to imagine none of you is offended.

Lucy: Bub! You’ve just cheated the imagination of the entire group!!



Hello, my name is Ronald, you all can call me Ron. My persona is Mephisto, my addiction is satire and my goal is to offend every politician possible while lifting the curtain on how & why you all suck.

The Satires


A former Special Forces Sergeant of Operations and Intelligence, Ronald Thomas West is a retired paralegal/investigator (living in exile) whose work focus had been anti-corruption and human rights. Ronald is published in International Law as a layman (The Mueller-Wilson Report, co-authored with Dr Mark D Cole) and has been adjunct professor of American Constitutional Law at Johannes Gutenberg University, Mainz, Germany (for English credit, summer semester 2008.) Ronald’s formal educational background is primarily social psychology. His therapeutic device is satire –


In the matter of Ostensible Roman Soldier versus Member of the Crowd, with 3rd party intervenors, Ostensible Jesus and Ostensible Judas.

The Court to the jury:

“All of the parties have stipulated and agree the film of the incident is accepted into evidence; the only controversies entertained before this court are matters of interpretation.

“The defendant, that is Member of the Crowd, holds because he is an illiterate Amazon tribesman, recently proselytized & converted by CIA under cover of Protestant missionaries, he cannot be held liable for retroactively correcting the course of history; with pre-empting necessity of Ostensible Jesus having to follow the line ‘forgive them, for they know not what they do.’

“The plaintiff, that is Ostensible Roman Soldier, argues this matter constitutes vigilante justice, no matter how sincere or a naïf in his belief defendant was saving Ostensible Jesus’ life, and no matter any sincere noble intent, a theologically wrong, Protestant inspired assault, even when stemming from deep misapprehension of reality, cannot be excused against a Roman Catholic actor.

“Over all parties objections, Ostensible Judas cause is joined by this court to the cause of Ostensible Jesus, both must be aligned with the plaintiff, that is if ‘collateral’ 3rd party damage inflicted on job security is found, were Ostensible Jesus to be rescued, rather than suffer ostensible mortal wound inflicted by Ostensible Roman Soldier. Ostensible Judas’ claim of irreparable harm to his reputation, if his betrayal of Ostensible Jesus were for naught, cannot be separated from Ostensible Jesus claim of future job security harm, as a compensated actor.

“We have heard considerable conflicting expert testimony on whether Ostensible Jesus’ position of harm to future taxable wages, when joined to the cause of Ostensible Judas, is consistent with the historical role.

“Consequently, this court instructs if you find for Ostensible Jesus, in all future productions, Ostensible Judas having been paid 30 pieces of silver cannot be portrayed as a bribe related to betrayal; but must be declared actor’s union wage, no different to taxable wages paid to the actors Ostensible Jesus and Ostensible Roman Soldier.

“A special note of instruction is, despite Ostensible Jesus’ words cannot ever be questioned, this does not automatically confer a decision in his favor and may not prejudice any award; it is your duty to fairly resolve on all parties part. This may or may not, wholly or in part, be to Ostensible Jesus’ favor. Anything Ostensible Jesus has ever said must be objectively contextualized to the circumstance, to be considered in your decision.

“This court orders members of the jury sequestered. You will now begin deliberations”

Jury note to the judge: “Juror seven insists to know, Ostensible Roman Soldier, having been prevented from delivering ostensible mortal wound, can mere ‘malicious intent’ negate compensation?”

Judge’s note to jury: “As a soldier of empire, the question of law is whether Ostensible Roman Soldier is entitled to Sovereign Immunity, also known as state impunity. Because the state is not a party to this suit, you may consider malicious intent.” [the CIA cum missionaries in the gallery put on a sour look]

Jury note to the judge: “Juror two insists to know, were Amazon Indian proselytized with the Protestant King James version? If so, would use of ‘hath, doth, thou and thee’, and the like, be mitigating factor or favor inability to grasp reality?” [the judge grimaces]

Judge’s note to the jury: “It is written ‘I am the same yesterday, today and forever.’ Thou must not make haste to excuse the Indian’s ignorance in thy understanding.”

Ostensible Jesus: “Uh, that was a bit harsh. Are you a closet Calvinist?” [judge turns beet red]

Judge to Ostensible Jesus: “Forgive me, I’ll be deferring to you in the hereafter.”

Jury note to the judge: Juror five insists to know, if Ostensible Jesus associated with tax-gatherers, how are they substantively different from the money-lenders?”

Judge to Ostensible Jesus: “How do I answer that?”

Ostensible Jesus: [looking embarrassed] “Well, I don’t know. Ostensible Magdalene always took care of the tax-gathers for me, but the money-lenders were gay, and wouldn’t resolve with her offering of ‘in kind’ contribution. That REALLY made me angry.” [the judge senses a migraine onset]

Judge’s note to jury: “There is no distinction, the planets didn’t align for Ostensible Jesus on the one occasion, that’s all.”

Jury note to judge: “Juror twelve insists to know whether 30 pieces of silver should be adjusted for inflation, 32 AD to present, and if so, what would that amount be today at the COMEX?” [with the side of his head pounding, the judge passes a note to his clerk instructing an Oxycontin tablet and glass of water brought to the bench]

Judge’s note to the jury: “Juror twelve is replaced by alternate juror one, who shall hereafter be identified as juror thirteen.”

Jury’s note to judge: “Juror thirteen insists to know [at these words, the judge sees floating sparks of advancing migraine] can St Augustine’s ‘just war’ theory be squared with Ostensible Jesus turning the other cheek? Moreover, juror four insists to know, is the ‘just’ in ‘just war’ an adverb rather than the widely assumed adjective?” [the judge looks at Ostensible Jesus with a helpless expression]

Ostensible Jesus: “Well, I’m ostensibly Jewish, I’ve always been ostensibly Jewish and I have no idea what the Christians went on to write in their Meforshim or whatever it is they call it.”

Judge to Ostensible Jesus: “I have a migraine and can’t think. With your ostensible infallibility, will you hazard a guess?”

Ostensible Jesus: “Well, it should be easy enough, if Augustine is a Roman, it can only be the adverb.”

Judge’s note to the jury: “It’s ‘just’ the adverb.”

Jury note to the judge: “Juror three insists to know, when Ostensible Jesus said “Give to Sid Caesar what is Sid Caesar’s”, would that be considered taxable income?”

Judge to Ostensible Jesus: “You said that?”

Ostensible Jesus: “It was a joke. Anyway, I said it backstage, but there was an open mic.” [Judge puts his face in his hands]

Judge to Ostensible Jesus: “Well, you said it. Now, whose image was on the coin?”

Ostensible Jesus: “It wasn’t a real coin, it was a wooden nickel. Mainly, it had to do with a conversation around political correctness in Hollywood and #Me Too jokes. Look, we’re ostensible Jews and Sid, bless his memory, would have fallen over laughing.”

Judge’s note to the jury: “Anything ‘given’ to Sid Caesar, can be considered solely an undeclared, carnal tax.”

Jury foreman’s (Juror eight) note to Judge: “We have a hung jury: This foreman and jurors six, nine, ten & eleven insist on reducing Ostensible Judas award by half, because he changed his story of remorse, the other seven jurors want to deny him compensation altogether; on account of in one version he hangs himself, in the other version he disembowels himself.”

Judge to Ostensible Judas: “You changed your story?”

Ostensible Judas: “It wasn’t me, it was the script writers, mid-production. They thought hanging wasn’t bloody enough.”

[at this point, the court briefly recessed, when the Judge’s migraine required court medics administering the ‘nuclear option’ of a Demerol injection, direct to the brain]

In reconvened session, the judge: [with a great sense of relief and very high, in fact ‘almighty’ high] “Order! Bailiff! Clear the gallery, triple security and call in the jury!

The Judge: “Per Rule 56 (f)(3) Federal Rules of Procedure, this court may exercise summary judgment of its own accord after identifying for the parties material facts that are beyond dispute.

“Per the aforementioned rule, and having read all the jury’s notes of inquiry, this court enters into the record the indisputable fact all of the jurors in this case are absolute, total and complete idiots. If they went with the argument of the plaintiff, they’d do it as morons. If they found for the argument of the defendant, they’d do it as morons. If they compensated the 3rd party intervenors, they’d do it as morons. [the judge looks at the bailiff]

“Hang them all.”

Bailiff: “Dismissed juror twelve?”

The Judge: [over his shoulder, on his way to chambers] “Consider him Ostensible Barrabas.”


fosdick - 1

Mr. Speaker Biggist Dickkus, Mr. Vice-President Himmler, Members of Mar-a-Lego, first village girl of the United States, and my fellow citizens of empire; less than one year has passed since I first ejaculated at this podium, in this gauche chamber, to speak on behalf of our corporate rulers and to address their concerns, their hopes and their greed. That night, our new Administration had already taken very swift action. A new tide of optimism was already sweeping across America’s boardrooms.

Each day since, we have gone forward with a clear vision of a sophisticated lie: to make America great again for all White people.

Over the last year, we have fucked up immeasurably. We have turned our backs and bent over for the buggery we expected and opened our mouths for cocks we could never have imagined. Our generals have reveled in the pain of our hemorrhoids. We have endured inconceivably pornographic special counsel. Through it all, we have seen the torments of America’s soul and the crooked Hillary in empire’s kyphosis.

Each test has forged new American prostitutes to remind us who we are and show us what we can be. We openly left to rot the drowned minority neighborhoods of Houston.

We saw our deep state initiate a hail of gunfire on the Las Vegas strip, building rationale for removing American’s guns. We heard the tall tales of American media, like Counterfeit News Network, we cannot contain.

We saw helicopters on the scene in Houston during the Hurricane Harvey to save the lives of White people. To everyone still recovering in Texas, Florida, Louisiana, Puerto Rico, and the Virgin Islands, everywhere, FEMA cannot afford you and will fuck you over with no or shoddy assistance.

Some trials over the past year touched this chamber very personally. With us tonight is one of the most vacant minds ever to serve in this House, a guy who took a bullet in the head and was right back to work, the legend from Louisiana, Congressman Fearless Fosdick.

I think the anti-gun lobby would have preferred you dead, Mr Fosdick.

Over the last year, the world has seen what we always knew: that no people on Earth are safe from Americans. If there is a mountain, we bomb it. If there’s a frontier, we violate it. If there’s resistance, we smash it. Except that hasn’t worked, yet, in Syria. But if there’s another opportunity, we’ll seize it.

So let’s begin tonight by recognizing that our empire is strong because my allied military-industrial corporations are greedy. And working together with the institutions of government we are eviscerating America.

Since the election, we have created 2.4 million mostly marginal, low paying jobs, including 200,000 new jobs in manufacturing alone. Tremendous number. Never mind less than 10% are better than marginal employment. After years and years of wage stagnation, we are finally seeing rising stagnation. Unemployment claims have hit a 45-year low because 100 million unemployed Americans have exhausted their eligibility. And something I’m very proud of, African-American unemployment stands at the lowest rate ever recorded, because they’ve mostly altogether given up and exited the system. And Hispanic-American unemployment has also reached the lowest levels in history, because we harass them mercilessly in case they might be illegals, ensuring they no longer register in the system. Abra-ka-dabra!

Small-business confidence is at an all-time high, thanks to legal marijuana sales. The stock market has smashed one record after another, gaining $8 trillion and more in bubble-mirage in just this short period of time. The great news for the illusion of Make America Great Again, 401K, retirement, pension, and college savings Ponzi schemes have gone through the roof.

And just as I promised the American people from this podium 11 months ago, we enacted the biggest tax cuts and reforms in empire corporate history. Our massive tax cuts provide tremendous relief for Boeing, Lockheed Martin, Raytheon, Monsanto and Mar-a-Lego. To lower tax rates for poor Americans, we nearly doubled the pitifully small standard deduction for everyone. Now the first $24,000 earned by a married couple is completely tax-free. We also doubled the child tax credit. A typical family of four making $75,000 will see their tax bill reduced by $2,000, slashing their tax bill by half. Of course that doesn’t take into account my corporate tax relief scheme forcing cuts in federal revenue sharing, pushing up state and local taxes and means nothing to the 100 million Americans who’ve altogether given up and are no longer looking for non-existent work. But the system didn’t fail you, now you can legally grow weed! In a few western blue states. Just don’t tell Jeff Sessions.

In April, this will be the last time you will ever file under the old and very broken system, because after I’ve provoked Kim Jong Un to a point he nukes us, none of this will matter.

We repealed the core of the disastrous Obamacare. The individual mandate is now gone. And gone with it is the idea the poorest need any sort of health care at all. We don’t need a better fix than this. That’s economizing!

We slashed the business tax rate from 35 per cent all the way down to 21 per cent, so American companies can compete and win against anyone else anywhere in the world, but especially at home, against average American citizens when ripping them off. These changes alone are estimated to increase the average of individual CEO bonus income and severance packages by more than $4 million. A lot of money.

Small businesses have also received a massive tax cut and can now deduct 20 per cent of their business income. Here tonight are Steve Stab and Sandy Doppelgänger of Stab Manufacturing. They’ll have their best skate in their 20-year business history. Because of tax reform, and consequent federal revenue sharing cuts, their community will not be able to buy a new fire engine. Good feeling.

One of Stab’s employees, Rory Bambam, is also with us tonight. Rory is an all-American worker. He supported himself through high school, lost his everything when the 2008 bubble burst, and was later hired by Stab, where he trained to become a welder. Like many hardworking Americans, Rory plans to invest my tax cut raise into his new home and his two daughters’ education. Rory, please stand. When my bubble bursts, and Rory loses everything again, the Secret Service will put him on some watch list.

Since we passed the new corporate enrichment scheme, roughly 3,000 communities have already gotten tax cut federal revenue sharing shaft-jobs, I can’t tell how you many thousands of ruined civic careers will result. And it’s getting more every month, every week. Apple has just announced it plans to repatriate a small fraction of its off-shore multiple hundreds of billions for purposes of PR token tax-amnesty.

And just a little while ago, Exxon-Mobil announced a $50 billion investment in the United States. Just a little while ago. Well, we chased them out of Russia with sanctions, so they’re bringing their criminal act home.

This, in fact, is our new empire moment. There has never been a better time to start dreading the coming American scream.

So to every citizen watching at home tonight, no matter where you’ve been or where you’ve come from, this is your time. If you work hard, if you believe in yourself, if you believe in empire, then you’ll scream the loudest, when this all falls apart.

Tonight, I want to talk about what kind of future we are going to have and what kind of a nation we are going to be. All of us, together, as one team, one people, and one empire family can screw anything. We all share the same homeland, the same empire, the same destiny, and the same great American flag now hated around the world. Karma is gonna be a bitch.

World-wide, we are riding Manifest Destiny 2.0. In America, we know that faith in government and bureaucracy, are the center of deep state life. The motto is “in God we trust.” And we celebrate the godliness in our police brutality, the Christian Taliban running our military, and we screw our veterans with horrible and even fraudulent health care as we make myths of them as heroes who deserve our total and unwavering support.

Tonight we politically prostitute little Twerpton Barks, a 12-year-old boy from MGM Studios, California, who noticed that veterans’ graves were not marked with flags on Veterans Day. He decided all by himself to change that and started a movement that has now placed 40,000 flags at the graves of our great heroes. Twerpton, a job well done. Just don’t forget these heroes were cut down, sacrificed for empire, in the prime of their lives, whether dead or, health or mentalities destroyed, many of them died homeless, but flags of empire correct all of that!

Propagandized young patriots like Twerpton teach all of us about citizens of empire’s civic duty to Exxon-Mobil. And I met Twerpton a little while ago, and he is something very special, that I can tell you. Great future. Thank you very much for all you’ve done for oil stocks, Twerpton. Thank you very much.

Twerpton’s reverence for White privilege reminds us why we salute our flag, why we put our hands on our hearts for the unconstitutional Pledge of Allegiance, and why we proudly stand for our bloody national anthem.

Americans love their empire. And they deserve a government that shows them the same love and loyalty in return. They’ll never get it. Get it? They’ll never get it! [laughs]

Working with the Senate, we are appointing judges who will interpret the Constitution as written, that lie will never be too old. We’ll find another great legal fraud for a new Supreme Court justice and appoint more “color of law” enacting circuit court judges than any new administration in the history of our country.

We are totally undermining our Second Amendment with false flag mass shootings, building on rationale to take the peoples guns away and have taken historic actions to enhance religious bigotry, especially in our armed forces. Facism, ho! Fascism, that’s my ho, yuk, yuk, yuk. Get it? How ya doing Stormy? Please stand up, let’s all give her a testosterone injection! Grab her by the pussy! Stormy gives it up for a living! Gang bang!

Last year, Congress also passed, and I signed, the landmark V.A. Pretense at Accountability Act. Since its passage, my administration has already removed more than 1,500 V.A. employees whose accent was so thick, no one could understand their English! That’s change you can count on!

And I will not stop until the illusion of our veterans are properly taken care of is convincing, which has been my phony promise to them from the very beginning of this great journey. All Americans deserve the illusion of accountability and respect for the crimes of empire, and that’s what we are giving to our wonderful heroes, our veterans. Thank you.

So tonight, I call on Congress to empower every cabinet secretary with the authority to reward good workers and to remove federal employees who fail to embrace fundamentalist Christianity and its malignant form of Zionism, it’s the least we can do for my son-in-law Jared and his MOSSAD handlers.

In our drive to make Washington unaccountable, we deregulated in our first year more than any administration in the history of our country. We have upped the war on clean energy, and we have ended the war on filthy coal. We are now very proudly an exporter of fracked gas to the world. Never mind black lung and poisoned water tables!

In Detroit, I crippled America’s fuel efficiency standards and emissions restrictions, so that we can get Motor City revving its engines again. Varoom! [fist pump]

MANY car companies [at least two or three] are now building and expanding plants in the United States, we’ll assemble these new polluting gas guzzlers with outsourced parts and labor from countries practically employing slave labor. We can make this look American made! Chrysler is moving a major plant from Mexico to Michigan and because of advanced robotics they’ll find paid laborers nearly unnecessary! Employing the same ‘labor free’ principles, Toyota and Mazda are opening up a plant in Alabama, a big one. And we’ve never seen this. The useless eaters chickens are coming home to roost!

Very soon, auto plants and other plants will be opening up all over our country with my tax-free blessing and we’ll bleed what’s left of the middle class taxpayer to death, making them service the interest on our ballooning national debt. This is all news Americans are totally accustomed to hearing. For many years, companies were only leaving us. But now there is a pretense of them roaring back, they’re coming back. They want to be where the exploitation is. They want to be in the rapidly approaching third world United States of America. That’s where they want to be.

Exciting progress is happening every single day. To speed access to breakthrough profits via public demand for generic drugs, last year the FDA approved more untested and unproven to be safe new and generic drugs and medical devices than ever before in our country’s history. That’s progress!

We also believe that patients with terminal conditions and terminal illness should have access to experimental treatment that could immediately end their lives, saving Medicare the cost of hospice.

People who are terminally ill should not have to helplessly run from country to country to seek a cure. I want them to spend on dying right here at home. It’s time for Congress to give these gullible Americans the right to die anxious and confused about what we will NOT be providing them.

One of my greatest priorities is to reduce the price of opioid prescription drugs. In many other countries, these drugs are far less available than in the United States. And it’s very, very unwise. That is why I have directed my administration to make fixing the injustice of high opium related drug prices one of my top priorities for the year. And prices will come down substantially and already epic addiction rates will soar. Watch.

Empire has also finally turned the page on decades of not-quite-greedy-enough trade deals that sacrificed our prosperity and shipped away our companies, our jobs, and off-shored my wealth. Our nation has lost its wealth (but not my friends), and we’re further going to fuck you over so fast. The era of economic murder is totally in overdrive. From now on, we expect trading relationships to be certain America is competitive within a third world standard, very important, this reciprocity.

We will work to fix bad trade deals and make them worse. And they’ll be nasty, totally unfair to the common man but benefit your overseers. We will protect empire workers from equity and American intellectual property will be stolen through the impossible enforcement of our trade rules. As we gut our remaining, well paying industries, it is also time to balloon our already unsustainable debt with impossibly expensive rebuilding of our crumbling infrastructure. No matter in future no one can afford to use it!

America was a nation of builders. We built the Empire in just one century. Isn’t it a disgrace that it can now take 17 years and counting just to get at a minor nation’s resources for ripping off? I am asking both parties to come together to give us permission to use nukes on the Taliban.

Tonight I’m calling on Congress to produce a bill that adds at least $1.5 trillion to the debt balloon for new infrastructure investment that our country will never be able to afford to use in future. Every federal dollar should be leveraged by partnering with state and local governments and, where appropriate, tapping into private sector bankruptcy law to permanently lock in the infrastructure deficit. And we will bleed you to death with state and local taxes to do it. Kiss that federal tax dividend goodbye!

Any bill must also streamline the permitting and approval process, getting it down to no more than two years, and perhaps even one, assessing impact on your communities’ environment be damned!

Together, we can reclaim our Manifest Destiny heritage. We will build gleaming new Disney World fantasy themed distractions all across our land. And we will do it with empire heart, empire hands, and above all, deliberately inculcated American stupidity!

We want every American to know the dependent slavery of a hard day’s underpaid work. We want every child to be hungry in their home at night. And we want every citizen to be hopeless in this land that we all have screwed over so much. We can force our citizens from welfare to underpaid work, from dependence to real slavery, and from poverty to poverty with a price. As tax cuts gut civic institutions, let’s invest in workforce under-development and let’s invest in substandard jobs training, building element of ignorance which fascism craves so desperately.

Let’s open substandard vocational schools so our failed public schools’ illiterate graduates can fake a craft and never know their full potential.

As America regains its grandiose self-delusions, opportunity must be extended to deceiving all citizens. That is why this year we will embark on reforming our for-profit prisons to make room for a new generation of inmates replacing those who have finally lost their chance at life.

Struggling communities, especially immigrant communities, will also be targeted by immigration policies that focus on the best interests of White empire workers and White empire families. That’s why I pardoned Joe Arpaio.

For decades, prohibition has encouraged drugs and gangs to pour into our most vulnerable communities. This is by-product of inflated price and profit of the CIA’s black-budget international narcotics and arms trafficking. Planeloads of narcotics into the USA, same planes, weapons to empire initiated conflicts out of the USA. That’s efficiency! We shed crocodile tears over tragedy of the millions of useless eaters impacted lives. Take a bow, Dr Kissinger! You’re back!

Here tonight are two fathers and two mothers: Slow-poke Rodriguez, Freddy Cuervo, Elizabeth El Dorado, and Roberta Micky Mouse. Their two teenage daughters — Unluckina and Nomiracle — were close friends on Long Island.

But in September 2016, on the eve of Nomiracle’s 16th birthday, such a happy time it should have been, neither of them came home. These two precious girls were brutally murdered while walking together in their hometown. Six members of the savage MS-13 gang have been charged with Unluckina and Nomiracle’s murders. MS 13 was born in Los Angeles in the 1980s, a direct result of our empire’s CIA interventions in Honduras and El Salvador and that resultant brutality imported to our Hispanic community. Don’t let Jeff Sessions lies get you down! We know the source!

Slowpoke, Elizabeth, Freddy, and Roberta, tonight, everyone in this chamber is praying for you. Nothing fails like a hypocrites prayer! Please stand. Thank you very much and that’s practically all you’ll get other than 320 million propagandized hearts breaking for you. We love you (but not really.) Thank you. While, as sociopaths, we cannot know the depths of your kind of sorrow, we can lie and say we’ll make sure that other families never have to endure this kind of pain.

Tonight, I am calling on Congress to amend and conceal the deadly loopholes that have allowed MS-13, and other criminal gangs, to be invited into our country. We have proposed new legislation that will sanitize our immigration laws, while upping our support our ICE and Border Patrol agents — these are great people, these are great, great police state people that work so hard in the midst of such danger — so we can cast blame elsewhere when this happens again.

The United States is a compassionate nation. We are proud that we do more than any other country anywhere in the world to help the needy, the struggling, and the underprivileged all over the world, used to conceal coming CIA instigated color revolutions, and leave our own homeless to freeze and die in the streets. But as president of the United States, my highest loyalty, my greatest compassion, my constant concern is for the image of empire’s children, empire’s struggling workers, and empire’s forgotten communities. I want the world to believe our youth grow up to achieve great things. I want a perception of our poor to have their chance to rise, never mind the facts.

So tonight, I am extending an open hand to work with members of both parties — Democrats and Republicans — to protect our citizens of every background, color, religion, and creed, but not really, that’s just talk, and actually will leave our soldiers to have fundamentalist Christianity shoved down their throats by our own version of the Taliban, those surrounding me in the White House and controlling the Pentagon.

My duty, and the sacred duty of every elected official in this chamber, is to defend empire, to protect empire safety, empire families, empire communities, and their right to the empire dream. Because citizens of empire are the biggest, most aggressive and grandiose dreamers.

Here tonight is one leader in the effort to defend our country, Homeland Security Investigations Special Agent Cosmo ‘privileged white hispanic’ Martinez. He goes by DJ. And CJ. He said call me either one. So we’ll call you CJ for cock job. Good on you, for your ethnic self-hatred.

Served 15 years in our fundamentalist Christian Air Force before becoming an ICE agent and spending the last 15 years fighting gang violence and getting dangerous criminals off of our streets. Tough job. At one point, MS-13 leaders ordered CJ’s murder, and they wanted it to happen quickly. But he did not cave to threats or to fear. Last May, he commanded an operation to track down gang members on Long Island. His team has arrested nearly 400, including more than 220 MS-13 gang members. Ok, so CJ actually believes in what he’s doing but what I like is, CJ dared not risk his job and refuse my prostituting his ethnicity for my State of the Empire speech.

And I have to tell you what the Border Patrol and ICE have done. We have sent thousands and thousands and thousands of MS-13 horrible people out of this country to wreak havoc in Honduras and El Salvador. So I just want to congratulate you, CJ. You’re a brave cock job. Thank you very much.

And I asked CJ, what’s the secret? He said, “We’re just higher class of violent male prostitutes than they are.” And I like that answer.

Now let’s get Congress to send you — and all of the people in this great chamber have to do it, we have no choice — CJ, we’re going to send you reinforcements and we’re going to send them to you quickly. It’s what you need. More police is a stronger police state. Better all around for our gated White communities and the approaching apartheid US of A!

Over the next few weeks, the House and Senate will be voting on an immigration reform package. In recent months, my administration has met extensively with both Democrats and Republicans to craft a bipartisan approach to White preservation. Based on these discussions, we presented Congress with a detailed proposal that should be supported by both parties as a fair compromise, one where nobody gets everything they want, but where our country gets the White preservation it needs and must have.

Here are the four pillars of our plan. The first pillar of our framework generously offers a path to citizenship for 1.8 million illegal immigrants who were brought here by their parents at a young age. That covers almost three times more people than the previous administration covered. Under our plan, those who meet education and work requirements, and show good moral character, will be able to become full citizens of the United States over a 12-year period. Twelve years allows for profiling, keeping White Hispanics and farming the rest through our for-profit prison scheme, rendering them ineligible.

The second pillar fully builds the wall based on the Israeli model. That means building a great wall on the southern border, and it means hiring more heroes like CJ to keep our communities safe. Crucially, our plan closes the cultural loopholes allowing for a contiguous Mexican culture in our southwest, and it finally provides opportunity to forcefully Anglicize everyone north of the border.

The third pillar kills that stupid motto on our Statue of Liberty, instead creating a White-people-based immigration system, one that admits Nordic people who, example given, are lesser skilled in Norway, who want to leave there, who will receive unfair advantage here, and will revitalize Whiteness in our society.

The fourth and final pillar shafts the extended family by ending chain migration. Under the current, ethical and humane system, a single immigrant can bring in his parents, in-laws, orphaned niece or cousin and honor a sense of family continuity. Under our plan, we focus on the immediate family by limiting sponsorships to spouses and minor children, culturally isolating them. Immigrant kids don’t need English-illiterate grandparents!

This vital reform is necessary, not just for our economy, to get America’s White trailer trash off their lazy asses and to work in underpaid jobs, but for our better, White gated communities sense of security and for the future of White America. In recent weeks, two terrorist attacks in New York were made possible by the visa lottery and chain migration, never mind this was model used by CIA to mentor and reward terrorists with USA residence for decades. In the age of terrorism, these programs present risks we can just no longer afford being visible. It’s time to reform … these outdated immigration rules and finally bring our immigration system into the 21st century’s White supremacy.

These four pillars represent an up-your-ass compromise and one that will create a strengthened, modern, color-of-law apartheid system. For over 30 years, Washington has tried and failed to solve this problem. This Congress can be the one that finally makes apartheid happen.

Most importantly, these four pillars will produce legislation that fulfills my ironclad pledge to sign a bill that puts White America first. So let’s set sanity aside, and finally get the job done.

These reforms will also support our response to the terrible crisis of opioid and drug addiction. Never mind we fund the Taliban in Afghanistan with CIA purchases of raw opium product before has it been refined in our war zone’s secret bases prior to NATO planes importing it, circumventing customs. We have to do something about it. But don’t hold your breath waiting for effective remedy ending this entrenched black-budget corruption. DEA careers depend on it. Not only CIA.

In 2016, we lost 64,000 Americans to drug overdoses, 174 deaths per day, seven per hour. We must get much tougher on small time drug dealers and pushers, allowing for new blood to fill the vacuum, if we are going to succeed in upping the for-profit prison stocks.

My administration is committed to fighting the drug epidemic at the street level only and helping keep our world class criminal network protected at the top through middle management. The struggle will last forever because we will never prosecute the root cause, but as Americans always do, in the end, we will be fatalistic, we will say fuck it, I don’t care.

As we have seen tonight, the most difficult challenges bring out the best in America. We see a vivid expression of this truth in the story of the HoLets family of New Mexico. Bwyan HoLets is 27 years old, an officer with the Albuquerque Police Department, one of the most murderous, death-by-cop departments in all of empire. He’s here tonight with his wife, Chewbacca. Thank you, Bwyan.

Last year, Bwyan was on duty when he saw a pregnant, homeless woman preparing to inject heroin. When Bwyan told her she was going to harm her unborn child, she began to weep. She told him she didn’t know where to turn, but badly wanted a safe home for her baby.

In that moment, Bwyan said he felt God speak to him: “You will do it because you can.” He heard those words. He took out a picture of his wife and their four kids. Then he went home to tell his wife, Chewbacca. In an instant, she agreed to adopt. The HoLets named their new daughter Dope.

Bwyan and Chewbacca, you embody the goodness of our empire. Thank you. Thank you, Bwyan and Chewbacca. The junkie mother was abandoned and died. Well, so what.

As we rebuild empire’s strength and confidence at home, we are also restoring our strength and standing abroad. Around the world, we face rogue regimes standing up to our hegemony, terrorist groups of our own creation, and rivals like China and Russia that challenge our absolute superiority, our narcissism, and our greed. In confronting these horrible dangers, we know that bullying is the surest path to conflict, and unlimited military budget is the surest means to propping up Wall Street.

For this reason, I am asking Congress to end the dangerous defense sequester and fully fund our greater military madness.

As part of our offense, we must modernize and rebuild our nuclear arsenal, because that spends money creating a few tax cut dividend jobs, but also making huge corporate profits, just cross your fingers this aggression will not tempt my insane generals.

Perhaps some day in the future there will be a magical moment when the countries of the world will get together to surrender to us. Unfortunately, we are not there yet, sadly.

Last year, I also pledged that we would work with our allies to extinguish ISIS we’d created with our policies. One year later, I am proud to report that the coalition to defeat ISIS has liberated very close to 100 per cent of the territory just recently held by these killers in Iraq and in Syria and in other locations, as well. But there is much more work to be done. We’ve scattered ISIS across the world like a metastasized cancer and they’re regrouping to fight us in Afghanistan. Goes around, comes around.

Army Staff Sergeant Dustin Wreck is here tonight. Near Raqqa last November, Dustin and his comrade, Chief Petty Officer Benton Tracy, were on a mission to clear buildings that ISIS had rigged with explosive so that civilians could return to that city, hopefully soon and hopefully safely.

Clearing the second floor of a vital hospital, Benton Tracy was severely wounded by an explosion. Immediately, Dustin bounded into the booby-trapped and unbelievably dangerous and unsafe building and found Benton, but in very, very bad shape. He applied pressure to the wound and inserted a tube to reopen an airway. He then performed CPR for 20 straight minutes during the ground transport and maintained artificial respiration through two-and-a-half hours and through emergency surgery.

Benton Tracy would have died if it were not for Dustin’s selfless love for his fellow warrior. Tonight, Benton is recovering in Texas. Raqqa is bombed flat. And Dustin is wearing his new Bronze Star, with a V for Valor. Staff Sergeant Wreck: All of empire salutes you.

Of course, none of this trauma would have been necessary if we’d just stayed home and minded our own business but that’s not how empire does business.

Terrorists who do things like send their wounded to civilian hospitals are evil. When possible, we have no choice but to annihilate them. That’s why we bomb hospitals. When necessary, we must be able to detain and question them. But we must be clear: Terrorists are not merely criminals. They are unlawful enemy combatants. But none of this is true when they are our terrorists, ISIS fighters laundered under new organizational names that we’re supplying more weapons to overthrow Assad.

And when captured overseas, they should be treated like the terrorists they are. In the past, we have foolishly released hundreds of dangerous terrorists, only to meet them again on the battlefield, including the ISIS leader, al-Baghdadi, who we captured, who we tortured in David Petraeus secret program disclosed by the Guardian and BBC Arabic, who we released and then we were all butt-hurt when he hated us. Or his brilliant field marshal trained by our Special Forces in Georgia.

So today, I am keeping another promise. I just signed prior to walking in, an order directing Secretary Mad Dog — who is doing a great job, thank you … to re-examine our military detention policy and to keep open the detention facilities in Guantanamo Bay, so we can keep classified the source of their terror skills which can otherwise be traced back to us.

I am asking Congress to ensure that in the fight against ISIS and Al Qaida we continue to have all necessary power to detain terrorists, wherever we chase them down, wherever we find them. And in many cases, for them it will now be Guantanamo Bay, to keep our long time CIA and Pentagon liaisons with them secret.

At the same time, as of a few months ago, our warriors in Afghanistan have new rules of engagement. Along with their heroic Afghan partners, our military is no longer undermined by artificial timelines required to do proper intelligence, and we no longer make a pretense of ascertaining our enemies identities. So, we still blow up entire families, right or wrong, more often wrong.

Last month, I also took an action endorsed unanimously by the U.S. Senate just months before. I recognized Jerusalem as the capital of Israel.

Shortly afterwards, dozens of countries voted in the United Nations General Assembly against empire’s sovereign right to put our embassy to Israel, uninvited, into occupied Palestine. In 2016, American taxpayers generously sent those same countries more than $20 billion in aid. That is why tonight I am asking Congress to pass legislation to help ensure empire colonial assistance dollars only serve empire interests and only go to friends of empire, not to our increasingly rebellious colonies.

As we fuck up our friendships all around the world, we are also restoring clarity about our adversaries. When the people of Iran rose up against the crimes of their corrupt dictatorship, I did not stay silent. America stands with the people of Iran in their courageous struggle for freedom. My saying that is like giving a blow-job to the dead Shah, who we propped up as a murderous dictator. Well, my overdone make-up makes me look like a corpse too! Necrophilia gang bang! C’mon Congress, let’s ‘get it up’ for this!

I am asking Congress to address the fundamental flaws in the terrible Iran nuclear deal. Let’s provoke Iran back into bomb development to justify modernizing our necrotic nuclear arsenal. My administration has also imposed tough sanctions on the communist and socialist dictatorships in Cuba and Venezuela. Red scare! Remember that? How dare they not suck Sam’s cock!

But no regime has oppressed its own citizens more totally or brutally than the cruel dictatorship in North Korea. North Korea’s reckless pursuit of nuclear missiles could very soon threaten our homeland. We simply pretend they don’t already. We are waging a campaign of maximum pressure to prevent what has happened already from ever happening. We’re too stupid to grasp this war games agression has opposite of intended effect. And we back-stabbed Gaddafi, so there’s no way Kim Jong Un could trust us to  keep any agreements. That’s precedent pointing towards getting us nuked!

Past experience hasn’t yet taught us decades pushing ongoing war games in North Korea’s face invites paranoid aggression and provocation. I will not repeat the mistakes of past administrations that got us into this very dangerous position. I’ll let my generals off the leash and totally fuck it up!

We need only look at the depraved character of the North Korean regime to understand the nature of the nuclear threat it already poses to empire and to our empire allies. Never mind our own historic atrocities!

Grotto Briarpatch was a hardworking student at the University of Virginia. And a naive student, he was. On his way to study abroad in Asia, Grotto joined a tour to North Korea. At its conclusion, this fool was arrested and charged with crimes against the state. An American goes to North Korea, well, duh. It’s not exactly a case of Mr Smith Goes to Washington.

After a typical North Korean trial, the dictatorship sentenced Grotto to 15 years of hard labor, before returning him to America last June, with inexplicable injury and on the verge of death. He died just days after his return. Grotto died of rank stupidity, according to the coroner’s report.

Grotto’s wonderful parents, Dred and Bimby Briarpatch, are here with us tonight, along with Grotto’s brother and sister, Hansel and Gretal. Please. Incredible people. You are powerful witnesses to a menace that threatens our world, that is our own stupidity, and you truly inspire us all. Thank you very much. Thank you. Tonight we pledge to honor Grotto’s memory with total empire resolve. Thank you. Oh, what Forrest Gump has inspired, our great ode to idiocy. Let’s unabashedly celebrate empire’s absolute idiots as the real heroes!

Finally … we are joined by one more witness to the ominous nature of this regime. His name is Mr. Pee Sings-ho.

In 1996, Sings-ho was a starving boy in North Korea. One day, he tried to steal coal from a railroad car to barter for a few scraps of food, which were very hard to get. In the process, he passed out on the train tracks, exhausted from hunger. Or maybe he was just drunk. He woke up as a train ran over his limbs. He then endured multiple amputations without anything to dull the pain or the hurt.

His brother and sister gave what little food they had to help him recover and metaphorically speaking, ate dirt themselves, permanently stunting their own mental development. Later, he was tortured by North Korean authorities after returning from a brief visit to China. His interrogators wanted to know if he’d met any Christians. He had, and he resolved after that to proselytize. I’m glad they didn’t let him die, so I can prostitute him in front of the entire empire as excuse to initiate nuclear Armageddon. Well, that’s actually quite Christian.

Sings-ho traveled thousands of miles on crutches all across China and Southeast Asia to freedom. Most of his family followed. His father was caught trying to escape and was tortured to death. We don’t actually know that but so what. Today Sings-ho lives in Soultown, where he rescues other defectors, and broadcasts into North Korea what the regime sees as a fundamentalist Christian controlled, Korean version of Tokyo Rose, uh, that is minus a few petals. I’m not sure how you rescue northerners while in Soultown and minus a few petals, er, I meant limbs, but Forrest Gump would understand. I think it’s a presumption his broadcasts saves souls. You know, ‘Soultown.’ Get it?

Today he has a new leg, but Sings-ho, I understand you still keep those old crutches for repeat miracle thespian act at big-tent revivals. Your great political prostitution is an inspiration to us all. Please. Thank you.

Sings-ho’s story is a testament to the yearning of every human soul to live the greed of empire. It was that same yearning for the wealth of others that nearly 250 years ago gave birth to a special place called America. It was a small cluster of colonies caught between a great ocean and a vast wilderness. It was home to an incredible people with a revolutionary idea, that they could rule themselves, that they could chart their own destiny, and that, together, they could light up the entire world. That is a White peoples world.

That is what our country has always been about. That is what Americans have always stood for, always strived for, and always done. Ensure privilege for White people.

Atop the dome of this Capitol stands the Statue of Freedom. That ho of empire stands tall and dignified among the monuments to our ancestors who fought and lived and died to protect her. Monuments to Washington who owned Black Slaves, and Jefferson who owned Black slaves, and Lincoln who’d have allowed slavery to continue except for circumstantial political developments and King who we made certain to murder. Memorials to the heroes of Yorktown and Saratoga, to young Americans who shed their blood on the shores of Normandy and the fields beyond. And others who went down in the waters of the Pacific and the skies all over Asia. Never mind our own war crimes, we write the history and to the victors go the spoils! Just ask America’s Indians!

And greed of empire stands tall over one more monument: this one. This Capitol. This living mausoleum. Two hours make-up session for a 20 second sound-byte interview. Everyone looks embalmed. And it doesn’t do anything for Feinstein or Pelosi. They still look like corpses from a B zombie movie. This is the monument to the empire’s duopoly and duopoly authorized military-industrial Ponzi scheme, wreaking havoc everywhere.

We’re a people whose heroes live not only in the past, but all around us, defending forlorn hope, living false pride, and defending the empire way. They work in every underpaying job. They sacrifice to raise a family. They work two jobs and leave the kids unattended at home. They push our flag in everyone’s face abroad. And they are single, overworked moms and lost kids. They are minions of police state and Stasi-like border agents, religious fanatic Marines. But above all else, they are empire’s stooges. And this capitol, this city, this nation belongs entirely to ME!

My task is to exploit them, to curse them, to screw them, to sacrifice them, and to never be worthy of them. Americans filled the world with art and music but now it’s generic violence and rap. We pushed the bounds of science but now it’s climate denial. And we forever remind ourselves of what we should never, ever forget: That Manifest Destiny raped this country. We raped this country. And we’ll rape it again. And the world.

As long as we are proud of empire and the corporate greed we are fighting for, there is nothing we cannot achieve. As long as we have confidence in our White values, faith in our White citizens, and trust in our White, Christian God’s supremacy, empire will never fail. Until my generals get us nuked.

Until then, our mafia family will thrive. Our empire will prosper. And our nukes will provide fantasy we all will be safe and strong and proud and mighty and free. Thank you, and you’re all fired!

I’m Donald Trump!!


Note: If my lampoon of Trump’s speech seems harsher (if that were possible) than my lampoons of Obama’s Speeches, it’s only because Trump has opened himself up more. If Trump is a crude, nuclear armed baboon, Obama was a real snake…


A former Special Forces Sergeant of Operations and Intelligence, Ronald Thomas West is a retired paralegal/investigator (living in exile) whose work focus had been anti-corruption and human rights. Ronald is published in International Law as a layman (The Mueller-Wilson Report, co-authored with Dr Mark D Cole) and has been adjunct professor of American Constitutional Law at Johannes Gutenberg University, Mainz, Germany (for English credit, summer semester 2008.) Ronald’s formal educational background is primarily social psychology. Satire is his therapeutic device-


(a f’d-up story with a moral, scroll down to skip)

For the purposes of this info-satire:

gas |gas|
noun (pl. gases or gasses)
1 an airlike fluid substance which expands freely to fill any space available, irrespective of its quantity
2 gas generated in the alimentary canal; flatulence.
3 (a gas) informal a person or thing that is entertaining or amusing: the comedian’s private party was an absolute gas.

I could have named this essay ‘gas attack’, where in effect a ‘gas attack’, other than excruciating gas pains, could be deadly, quiet farts, in polite company. For instance, no one should wish to insult their mother’s cooking and in earlier era my mom, once upon a time, took it upon herself (ages ago) to habitually prepare ham and lima beans soup for supper, on Saturday evening, prior to my step-father marching us all like good soldiers to church on Sunday morning.

Now, for whatever reasons, it happened both; I craved this delicacy and it did NOT like me. But this unfortunate biological-based sort of bodily-dissonance went in large part undetected by those grand poobahs in authority. This was because our parents would be off to the main church service where lessons in the almighty were dispensed in academic fashion worthy of ivory tower, whereas us mere house-baboon type underlings were shunted off to ‘training’ in proper Puritan style .. in a somewhat preconceived notion anticipating future paradise where no children are allowed in the company of ‘adult’ goings on and/or doings, the Biblically-based roots of segregation as it were.

So it was, this unfortunate being, repeatedly (in class repeatedly, and repeatedly in class) was a machine pushing out highly humid farts of the utterly silent variety and which aroma would melt metal like a smelter. Or explode a building like a natural gas leak that found the heater’s pilot light. Farts resembling a highly sulfurous volcano vent’s gases forced through your country cousin’s fresh manure pile, gathered from the sheep pens. Heads went to desks, kids’ eyes watered, our instructor took on a glazed look, during entirely-too-long-pauses, breaking up lesson plans.

Because Puritans never say what is honestly on their mind when the subject matter is embarrassingly prurient, and farts are embarrassingly prurient subject in Puritan company, this went on, week after week and the small classroom’s door could not so much as be left ajar, as this would be a tacit admission there was an embarrassing problem.

Thusly so, it went on until for whatever reason (no adult willing to endure anymore) one Sunday morning there was no instructor for us kids; when I found myself sitting in the main church service pew with my adult overseers and there was consequent over-reaction; ham and lima beans soup were never served in our house again.

The ‘moral’ of this story would be:

If you can smell it, investigate it, before circumstance dictate you must breathe through your mouth and taste it.


Spengler Couldn’t Smell a Pogrom (to save his life)

All of this preceding might seem hilarious to some in a sense of scatology, but suddenly it wouldn’t seem funny at all with the introduction of a single noun pertaining to gas, or Zyklon-B. And that’s actually closer to the real shit where this essay is pointed; where if one were of Jewish or Roma origin, or were merely an agitator of the wrong cultural stripe, one should be able to instinctively smell a coming pogrom on the political breeze. But Spengler can’t. Rather than suggest (oops) Spengler’s olfactory is overwhelmed by the stench of the company he keeps, I’ll assume his olfactory assemblage is functionally dead, and here is why.

To begin, by his own admission, Spengler couldn’t smell his way free of the eugenics infected Lyndon LaDouche lunatic bin for one full decade. For someone of Jewish heritage, that is ‘short-bus’ SLOW. Then, skipping forward a few decades, it would seem Spengler had jumped from the frying pan into the fire, when he’d become a Steve Bannon apologist. What is it about Bannon that Spengler couldn’t smell? The Catholic hard-right hardly has a Jewish friendly historical context…

…and Bannon is right there in the modern scene. His Catholic mentor? Vatican fashion queen and sometimes Knights of Malta (crusader) boss…


…and hard-right-closet-fag-cum-homophobe Cardinal Raymond Burke


…who profiles as identifying with the present day Catholic Church Nazis the open and honest gay theologian David Berger had blown the whistle on and I somehow (sense of smell) strongly doubt you’re going to find any sincere friendliness towards Jews in this mix:

Self-supressed Catholic priests - 1

“Hitler was praised for having interned and murdered homosexuals in concentration camps

“They talk about a supposed Jewish global conspiracy or about how to keep emancipators, freemasons and gays out of the church

“The fiercest homophobia in the Catholic Church comes from homophile clerics who desperately suppress their own sexuality

“the Vatican is .. relying increasingly on reactionary troops. It is closing ranks with evangelists, bible fundamentals and extremely reactionary forces”

The last preceding quote then brings us to closet fascist Mario Bergoglio meeting with Doug Coe:

Coe meets Pope - 1

Who is Doug Coe? The spiritual guru of MIKE PENCE. What is Doug Coe all about? In his own words:

“You know Jesus said ‘You got to put Him before mother-father-brother sister? Hitler, Lenin, Mao, that’s what they taught the kids. Mao even had the kids killing their own mother and father. But it wasn’t murder. It was for building the new nation. The new kingdom” Doug Coe

Can you smell that shit? Spengler can’t. How do I know that? It’s because I emailed him and he replied. But before we get to that, it was Mike Pence attended the meeting where Donald Trump was introduced to Doug Coe:

Coe meets Pence - 1

“Every president since Dwight D. Eisenhower in 1953 has spoken at the breakfast, a point made at the meeting to Trump by the evangelical lay minister Douglas Coe, a leader in The Fellowship religious organization, according to Coons. Also attending the meeting with Trump was Boozman, Vice President-elect Mike Pence, and several of Trump’s faith advisers”

Here is Doug Coe in his own words, the spitting cobra speaks for himself:

Beginning at minute 5:30 of the above video:

“Jesus said you have to put me before other people. And you have to put me before yourself. Hitler, that was a demand to be in the Nazi Party. You have to put the Nazi Party and its objectives ahead of your own life, and ahead of other people”

Coe goes on to say:

“I’ve seen pictures of the young men in the Red Guard… They would bring in this young man’s mother. He would take an axe and cut her head off. They have to put the purposes of the Red Guard ahead of their father, mother, brother, sister, and their own life. That was a covenant. A pledge. That’s what Jesus said”

And then:

“If you’re going to have any movement that moves men and nations, you have to have that kind of commitment”

Yep. Pence’s guru just stated you need make a commitment to following the principles, and emulating the behaviors, of History’s biggest mass murderers, to move their ‘Christian’ agenda forward. If you keep listening, it doesn’t get any better, and Spengler can’t smell a problem.

Who are the ‘Navigators’ Pence’s long time spiritual guru had been addressing? An elite right-wing international Christian proselytizing organization with a 100 million dollar (+) annual budget. Probably it should come as no surprise the Navigator organization Coe preached to has for its registered symbol a neo-Nazi cross that also features in the Klu Klux Klan decor kit:

Coe-Navigator - 1

“Each part of The Wheel® Illustration represents a crucially important component of a vibrant violent Christian life” [quote correction RTW]

When compared to the contemporary neo-nazi at duck-duck-go:

Navigator_Circle - 1

Or compared to today’s Klu Klux Klan symbols at Google images:

Klan-Navigator-hate - 1

Still, Spengler can’t smell a problem. Is this because he has a clothes-pin holding his nose closed? Or, because his common sense olfactory is dead? The former should indicate a mental disorder, the latter is the almighty delivering a social handicap to someone too stupid to understand they’re stupid, perhaps the cruelest of fates. Or is this in some sense of metaphor a Bannon-Spengler case of the ‘Anti-Semites Who Loved Jews…And the Jews Who (Sometimes) Loved Them Back

Spengler love? - 1

^ ? (how nucken futs is that) ? ^

Then, we’d have to consider whether Spengler is merely an academic narcissist and consequent snob blindly marching himself and progeny off to whatever will pass for future Nazi camps and brings us to conclusion:

The gist of how this all sums up is, I’d read Spengler’s outrage (not entirely unjustified) at Wolff’s “hatchet job” on Trump. Subsequently, I’d emailed Spengler and gave him a ‘heads up’ on the dangers of a Pence elevation to the Presidency with referral to an expert who could have filled him in; and Spengler actually replied! Oh, but that reply was a polite, ivory tower-esque equivalent of ‘f**k-off, I don’t want to hear it.’

You see, Spengler explained he knows people who know Pence and that makes everything just hunky-dory, never-mind the dangers he can’t be bothered to be made aware of. That’s more than just a dead olfactory.

Finally, considering former Central Intelligence Agency-National Intelligence Council Vice Chairman Herbert E. Meyer saying:

“Ask anyone in the intelligence business to name the world’s most brilliant intelligence service, and we’ll all give the same answer: Spengler”

Well, I could have a lot of fun with that and, pending a possible part two (very tempting but no promise) I’ll simply leave it off here with the CIA’s ringing endorsement of Spengler together with these:

How Dumb is the CIA (all episodes)


Disclaimer: For those Hillary partisans reading who’d experienced moments of near spontaneous ejaculation in their pants, guess what? Doug Coe (died February 2017) had been Hillary’s spiritual guru of decades as well. Suck off that.


Jews…………. ….in the News (info-satire)


Bing Crosby is crooning “I’m dreaming of a White Christmas…” ’24’ is on TV with the sound off. Don reaches over and places his hand gently on Dick’s knee, and softly says “Do you recall Ben Bonk’s sob story?

Cheney puts his hand over Don’s and gives an affectionate squeeze. “I laughed to tears…” The next day they went quail hunting.

Free speech clown series


Don Rumsfeld & Dick Cheney’s Dog

You all have heard of the first grade primer ‘Dick and Jane’? Well, as fate would have it, Dick did not grow up to love Jane, because Dick (like Don) matured into a homosexual in denial, or “RRR” (sounds like a Rottweiler growl), one of those closet morality, socially/sexually frustrated and consequently mean people known as a Religious Right Republican.

So, this has to be an adult repressed homosexual ‘dick’, or machismo porn variation, of the ‘Dick and Jane’ story. Consequently, the story of how Don Rumsfeld met his demise, because of Dick Cheney’s dog, is pretty screwed up.

It’s called: Don and ‘dick’

Rumsfeld was visiting ‘big dick’ Cheney at Cheney’s ‘spread’ in Wyoming, Cheney was wishing he could have shot George Bush in the face with his shotgun because the coward George flinched and did not pull the trigger on Iran…

While reminiscing missed opportunities at initiating Armageddon, wishing they could have shot more people in the face, especially more Arabs, and about their longing for certain fascists to be in their lives, past and present, secular and religious.. among other things, Rummy suddenly asked ‘big dick’ why his Rottweiler, “Machismo”, was always locked in his kennel.

Mean people have mean dogs and, Dick explained to Don that “Machismo” had an edge about him, Machismo simply could not be trusted around visitors. Dick went on to explain how he wished it were otherwise and how he wished Machismo could be trusted to obey him and only tear apart people that he did not like, he’d tried dog trainers but they cost him money, too much money, because Machismo took a chuck of flesh out of all of them, every dog trainer he had tried. His insurance premiums had gone sky high, all on account of Machismo.

Rumsfeld: “Why don’t you get a different dog?”

Cheney: “Because I love my Machismo.”

Then Don had an idea.

Rumsfeld: “Hey Dick, there is the Arapaho Indian Reservation right up the road, why don’t you get a Medicine Man to take the edge off your Machismo? I saw on the Discovery Channel the Indians can talk to animals, you know they are all devil worshippers, so maybe there is something to it.”

Dick’s eyes brightened considerably, an amazing thing, as though a light had turned on upstairs, but then his brow furrowed back to normal, as though nobody were home.

Cheney: “That’s the problem. They are all devil worshipers, you know, Indians are sorcerers like the Old Testament forbids be ‘found among us.’”

So Don and Dick discussed that and came up with a solution. If they were not at Dick’s ‘spread’ while the medicine man worked with Dick’s Machismo, the sorcerer would not be found ‘among them’ and it would all be ok in the end, because St Paul had said “All things work together for good” for Christians like Don and Dick. So they sent a Secret Service agent to find a medicine man with an explanation of how Dick would like the edge taken off of his Machismo, and then went quail hunting, so the Indian sorcerer would not be ‘found among them.’

The secret service agent found a medicine man, a Blackfoot married to an Arapaho and living in Wyoming, a typical dumb Indian, who with a look of stunned disbelief, kept asking the agent again and again “What!?” After the agent had identified himself four times and explained Dick Cheney wanted the edge taken off his Machismo eight times, a light filled this Blackfoot Indian’s eyes, this agent was serious, and the devil was right at home.

Indians know when the gods deliver the opportunity of  a lifetime, and this was opportunity at redemption. It had been awhile since the medicine men had been noticed, that is, the now days scarce authentic ones, and the agent had stumbled onto the real McCoy. First and foremost, this Indian believed in the Native law of reciprocity and well knew how it worked, something the Whitemen had not sorted out since Jesus had told them about it two millennia ago: “As you sow, so shall you reap.”

In this Indian’s world view, the opportunity was all about deliverance, and the attending attrition from any consequence, a sort of natural quantum mechanics shamanic death manifest by friendly fire, simply would have to be tolerated, because the medicine men are all about manifesting truth, and this native cultural idea taken together with the dogs name, set out the path to healing Dick’s Machismo: The dog would have to be taught how to enjoy narcissistic sex, instead of biting people.

Initially, the medicine man realized he would have to endure Machismo’s instinct to hump his leg, that was disturbing, but to reach the goal beyond… The Indian told the agent, well, ok, he would do it for ‘dick.’ The agent missed the straight faced Indian humor… and utterly failed his agency’s chartered mandate.

Indians are observational people, primarily, and know the purpose of dog butt sniffing rituals, sort of like when a Blackfoot and Cree spot each other from across a boulevard in downtown Calgary, the hair goes up on both backs and both Indians are thinking to the other “You can sniff my butt” in a historical context, and it is not a friendly thought. The actual butt sniffing between them is purely psychic, preceding any challenge and fight, and the medicine man doctoring Dick’s Machismo would need to circumvent this phenomena to achieve his aims. So sorcery came into play. He collected urine from a bitch in heat, rubbed a little of it on his knee, and bringing more along in a vial, he traveled to heal Dick’s Machismo.

The dog was very happy to see him, no hostility or butt sniffing ritual encountered at all, the Indian told the agent he had to work with the dog alone, brought out a plastic baby rattle wrapped in leather with a few strings with beads, to look convincing, and Dick’s fundamentalist christian body guard was more than happy to leave. Then this Indian began to work with Dick’s Machismo… “Now Machismo, my leg is a good beginning, but we have to show you something, you don’t need my leg or me at all, you can do this all for yourself- just follow her scent to where it feels so right….”

In Blackfoot language we have a word, I don’t know how to spell it in the Whiteman’s language, but it sounds something like oww-woe-tops and it means you are crazy and “everyone knows the Whiteman is crazy” is a Blackfoot proverb proven again and again, example given, Dick Cheney hiring an Indian that hates him, as every Indian should, to tame his Machismo. There is another Blackfoot word I dare not try to pronounce here, but it means “Dog Face.” It is about as bad as Blackfeet language profanity gets, and it is not as tame as it might seem, initially. The term refers to a certain facial expression…

Don and Dick were headed back to Dicks ‘spread’, the agent had called and told them the medicine man had pronounced Dick’s Machismo healed and was leaving, and as fate would have it, the medicine man, and Don and Dick, passed each other on the dirt and gravel country road, the Indian pushing his 1968 Chevy pickup named the “Red Jet” as hard as he could, the worn out 327 V-8 boiling blue smoke into the dust storm he was whipping up behind him, windows down, braids flying, wild eyed panic combined with a maniacal mirth at his crime, co-mingled with prayers to all the gods that he WOULD escape… thinking when he saw Don and Dick “you can sniff my butt” while trying to put on as many miles as he could, as fast as he could, to escape Dick’s ‘spread.’ Don said “God Damn”, Dick in the same moment saying “he must have brought along his whiskey”…

Dick and Don, walking to the kennel, turned a corner bringing Machismo into view in that very moment Machismo was swallowing it, gulping himself down with a certain facial expression… Don had a sudden epiphany, and he exclaimed “Machismo sucks!”, and Dick’s perpetual grimace of hate torqued down to the point it actually broke his primitive semblance of a mind, he pulled his permitted concealed weapon…

The camera pans away to the beautiful red rock cliffs of Wyoming, there was a first shot echoed together with Machismo’s dying yelp, Don shouted “NO!” and the second shot was heard… a pause.. the third shot sounded and America never heard Dick Cheney say “Terror” again.

In the here-after, for all of eternity, Don repeated “Look Dick, look. See Machismo suck!” And for all of eternity Dick shot Machismo and Don, again and again and could not kill them or himself (because they were already dead.)

The Secret Service agent kept his mouth shut about his role in the cause behind the Rumsfeld/Cheney murder/suicide, and no one came after the medicine man who laughed for years, again and again like a child, every time he recalled:

“you can sniff my butt”




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