The devil on the one shoulder and the angel on my other shoulder climb into my head to make love and a satire is born … having little to do with morality and much to do with ethics. So, here’s a portrait of the devil then (whilst noting the angel is still on my other shoulder…)
It came across my mind the thought; with Western Civilization well on its way to collective suicide, it should do to examine the philosophers. Some of what has been set out by the following notable ‘thinkers’ reminds me of nothing so much as a statement by behaviorist Yuval Noah Harari:
“You can’t convince a chimpanzee to give you a banana with the promise it will get 20 more bananas in chimpanzee heaven. It won’t do it. But humans will”
Considering chimps would appear to have more common sense than certain ideas Indo-European-originated mentality worships, here is the satirical consequence of the human experience in the English philosophers’ tradition or, restated, their fundamental contradictions distilled and exposed (good for a cynical laugh but it’s not pretty.)
Assembled thumbnail satires from 2015 revisited (because some things never change)
Francis Bacon
Ever true to his name
Buggerer
Pedophile
Of Star Chamber fame
Bacon smelt game
If anyone were inclined to explore scientific ’empiricism’ to its roots, they’d find a real pig of a personality. Sir Francis’ keen sense for detecting political aroma on the breeze had been seldom overcome by his own stark odor of rancid bacon. Sycophant extraordinaire in the courts of Elizabeth I & King James (Stuart), Bacon is portrayed as a tender soul, never mind he promoted the (politically expedient) executions of Mary Queen of Scots and Robert Devereux, Earl of Essex, his ‘former’ friend, and subsequently tortured to obtain confession from Edmund Peacham. King James (yes, King James of ‘Holy Bible’ fame) instructed (after consulting Bacon on the legality of the procedure) that:
“attorney-general Bacon .. ‘put Peacham to the manacles as in your discretion you shall see occasion if you find him obstinate and perverse, and not otherwise willing or ready to tell the truth.’ Next day the torture was applied in the presence of the persons named, and he was examined ‘before torture, in torture, between tortures, and after torture’ .. Peacham is described as an old man at the time, and the inhumanity of the proceedings was revolting”
Peacham was left hanging (repeatedly) as his body weight, rather slowly, dislocated his wrist, elbow and shoulder joints .. tearing muscles and tendons in the process, a method considered ‘more humane’ than obtaining essentially the same physical result via ‘The Rack.’ This is method reportedly utilized by the CIA at various ‘black site’ jails but glossed over in favor of focus on water-boarding (of Spanish Inquisition fame.) At the time, Bacon was ‘clerk’ of the ‘Star Chamber’ which had been a court resembling the USA’s secret FISA court and why the Americans had founders determined to certain legal insurance via a the Fifth Amendment in the ‘Bill of Rights’ (it would seem no longer in force) and not only prohibition on self-incrimination but as well “cruel and unusual punishment” and clearly the ‘right to face one’s accuser’ and other “enumerated rights” proscribed star-chamber type secret courts.
Bacon’s Star Chamber position allowed for his prisoner facing torture to 1) self-incriminate 2) face charge of perjury if unsatisfactory answers were provided or 3) be held in contempt if no answer was given.
A reputed pederast accused of ‘buggery’ (which he denied), as well a habit his brother, educated by the same cleric, was also reputed to be fond, prosecutions for this in the upper class seemed rare; as King James was apparently of identical persuasion. Bacon went on to write of an utopia where no scent of ‘masculine love’ was to be found; and as if to convince, he married a 14 years old girl at age 48. Her subsequent preference for other men points to a rather starved appetite, which can come as no surprise. And it is of this rancid bacon, folks, inspiration for the modern ’empirical method’ comes to us behaving as an intolerant religion; replete with ‘scientific’ dogma and its narrow rut of inquiry.
Meanwhile, at Cambridge:
“The earliest known version of The King James Bible, perhaps one of the most influential and widely read books in history, has been discovered mislabeled inside an archive at the University of Cambridge. The find is being called one of the most significant revelations in decades. It shows that writing is a process of revising, cutting, and then more rewriting. The Bible is no different in this regard, even though some conservative Christians claim it is the divine word of God himself. Perhaps God, then, is a revisionist. This find certainly seems to suggest that…”
Thomas Hobbes
Beastly
Brute
Bettered?
By
Hobbes-nailed boots!
Thomas Hobbes registers off the scale on the ‘smirk-o-meter’ .. where his greatest contribution to Western philosophy is a typical self-imploding set of contradictions. In an era where Gutenberg had made it possible for anyone who could read to become a blogger (not difficult, ‘mass’ circulation in those days excluded the illiterate masses) Hobbes, finding himself at loose ends, decided he would become a Western philosopher or ‘confidence man’ (the better description.) The recipe is simple; fill a 900 liter bag with verbiage-verbosity (like Bernard-Henry Lévy), slanted as to so incredibly complicate a subject (à la James Joyce), resulting in generations of those less endowed with gifts of BS spending endless semesters wrestling a ‘Leviathan‘, whilst attempting sense of nonsense.
Distilled from Hobbes’ inordinately complex, attempted order of things, his points may be summed up so: In our natural state or in raw ‘nature’, mankind is an inestimable beast prone to every savage act where:
“the life of man [is] solitary, poor, nasty, brutish, and short”
And in the same moment, without Man’s ‘natural’ understanding, God’s inspirations cannot be known:
“we shouldn’t renounce our senses and experience, or our natural reason, which is the undoubted word of God”
Do you suppose Hobbes actually meant to insinuate understanding derived from a ‘naturally endowed’ beastly nature inspires one to deeper knowledge of God’s message? Is he acknowledging ‘God’s image, man’ is quite naturally possessed of the violence we have seen Englishmen visit upon every culture deemed inferior to their own? Certainly not. If Hobbes were of a proclivity to be honest, he wouldn’t have to bury the contradictions of his culture in a massive circumlocution that can serve no other purpose than to conceal the facts. What we are actually looking at is, the phenomena of Western philosophers burying contradictions in complications, so those contradictions never have to be faced. Hobbes is a master of this common (but patently dishonest) philosophical method.
The result is no surprise, a culturally self-justified, rationalization for an unquestioned, unlimited State authority to rule over men; Hobbes would not only be a supporter of the Divine Right of Kings & colonialism but in today’s world, a modern police state. Hobbes provides apparatus of state with philosophical avenue to know empathy for the Robert Mugabes and Augustino Pinochets of this world (as easily, a Theresa May or Boris Johnson.) They’re all cut from a similar philosophical cloth.
John Locke
And Created Null, Man
-Whilst In God’s Image-
Insisted This Englishman
‘Gnosis’
Cannot Know Oneself!
Ok, so the problem I have with John Locke is his philosophy demands all men are born a completely blank slate upon which everything is drawn subsequently. In effect, there is no innate knowledge bestowed on man. If that is true, then his holding…
“The Bible is one of the greatest blessings bestowed by God on the children of men. It has God for its author; salvation for its end, and truth without any mixture for its matter. It is all pure”
…demands “God” who ‘created man in his image‘ couldn’t know the difference between his own ass and either end of a hollow log, when he’d arrived on the scene in Genesis. No small wonder everything is f**ked up. Well, considering this small aspect of reality, I suppose John Locke could be construed to have done the enlightenment a great favor; except it seems no one had taken note (including Locke) of a phenomena where Locke demands a portrait of god based in our ‘perfect’ human ignorance.
If you enjoy the torture James Joyce puts a reader through, this philosopher is for you; but first check out this butt-kissing introduction of Locke’s “Essay Concerning Human Understanding” .. if you actually can read through the entire thing and go on to enjoy Locke’s tortured rationalizations, recalling this rank political fellatio over his ‘lordship’s favors’ is no more than a brief foreword to Locke’s treatise, you may award yourself a sadomasochist of philosophy medal (all forgiven for skipping this and moving on to David Hume.)
THIS Treatise, which is grown up under your lordship’s eye, and has ventured into the world by your order, does now, by a natural kind of right, come to your lordship for that protection which you several years since promised it. It is not that I think any name, how great soever, set at the beginning of a book, will be able to cover the faults that are to be found in it. Things in print must stand and fall by their own worth, or the reader’s fancy. But there being nothing more to be desired for truth than a fair unprejudiced hearing, nobody is more likely to procure me that than your lordship, who are allowed to have got so intimate an acquaintance with her, in her more retired recesses. Your lordship is known to have so far advanced your speculations in the most abstract and general knowledge of things, beyond the ordinary reach or common methods, that your allowance and approbation of the design of this Treatise will at least preserve it from being condemned without reading, and will prevail to have those parts a little weighted, which might otherwise perhaps be thought to deserve no consideration, for being somewhat out of the common road. The imputation of Novelty is a terrible charge amongst those who judge of men’s heads, as they do of their perukes, by the fashion, and can allow none to be right but the received doctrines. Truth scarce ever yet carried it by vote anywhere at its first appearance: new opinions are always suspected, and usually opposed, without any other reason but because they are not already common. But truth, like gold, is not the less so for being newly brought out of the mine. It is trial and examination must give it price, and not any antique fashion; and though it be not yet current by the public stamp, yet it may, for all that, be as old as nature, and is certainly not the less genuine. Your lordship can give great and convincing instances of this, whenever you please to oblige the public with some of those large and comprehensive discoveries you have made of truths hitherto unknown, unless to some few, from whom your lordship has been pleased not wholly to conceal them. This alone were a sufficient reason, were there no other, why I should dedicate this Essay to your lordship; and its having some little correspondence with some parts of that nobler and vast system of the sciences your lordship has made so new, exact, and instructive a draught of, I think it glory enough, if your lordship permit me to boast, that here and there I have fallen into some thoughts not wholly different from yours. If your lordship think fit that, by your encouragement, this should appear in the world, I hope it may be a reason, some time or other, to lead your lordship further; and you will allow me to say, that you here give the world an earnest of something that, if they can bear with this, will be truly worth their expectation. This, my lord, shows what a present I here make to your lordship; just such as the poor man does to his rich and great neighbour, by whom the basket of flowers or fruit is not ill taken, though he has more plenty of his own growth, and in much greater perfection. Worthless things receive a value when they are made the offerings of respect, esteem, and gratitude: these you have given me so mighty and peculiar reasons to have, in the highest degree, for your lordship, that if they can add a price to what they go along with, proportionable to their own greatness, I can with confidence brag, I here make your lordship the richest present you ever received. This I am sure, I am under the greatest obligations to seek all occasions to acknowledge a long train of favours I have received from your lordship; favours, though great and important in themselves, yet made much more so by the forwardness, concern, and kindness, and other obliging circumstances, that never failed to accompany them. To all this you are pleased to add that which gives yet more weight and relish to all the rest: you vouchsafe to continue me in some degrees of your esteem, and allow me a place in your good thoughts, I had almost said friendship. This, my lord, your words and actions so constantly show on all occasions, even to others when I am absent, that it is not vanity in me to mention what everybody knows: but it would be want of good manners not to acknowledge what so many are witnesses of, and every day tell me I am indebted to your lordship for. I wish they could as easily assist my gratitude, as they convince me of the great and growing engagements it has to your lordship. This I am sure, I should write of the Understanding without having any, if I were not extremely sensible of them, and did not lay hold on this opportunity to testify to the world how much I am obliged to be, and how much I am your Lordship’s most humble and obedient servant-
David Hume
What is
Had ought
Not
Wish
To wash
David Hume’s impossible postulation…
“In every system of morality, which I have hitherto met with, I have always remarked, that the author proceeds for some time in the ordinary ways of reasoning, and establishes the being of a God, or makes observations concerning human affairs; when all of a sudden I am surprised to find, that instead of the usual copulations of propositions, is, and is not, I meet with no proposition that is not connected with an ought, or an ought not. This change is imperceptible; but is however, of the last consequence. For as this ought, or ought not, expresses some new relation or affirmation, ’tis necessary that it should be observed and explained; and at the same time that a reason should be given, for what seems altogether inconceivable, how this new relation can be a deduction from others, which are entirely different from it. But as authors do not commonly use this precaution, I shall presume to recommend it to the readers; and am persuaded, that this small attention would subvert all the vulgar systems of morality, and let us see, that the distinction of vice and virtue is not founded merely on the relations of objects, nor is perceived by reason”
…is summed up in Western ethics as ‘Hume’s guillotine’ or the ‘ought-is problem.’ Now, forgive my naiveté when faced with this immutable Western dilemma of philosophy where the ‘ought-is problem‘ is posed…
“how, exactly can an “ought” be derived from an “is”? The question, prompted by Hume’s small paragraph, has become one of the central questions of ethical theory”
…as it occurs in my small universe if my ass IS dirty I had OUGHT to wash it. Correct? Or, if it is in the natural order of things one were to have a dirty ass as a matter of fact, expectation and normalcy, and those hairy-assed little s**t-balls, quaintly known as ‘dingle-berries’ in the vulgar tongue, must endure .. would it be a violation of IS to pull them out? Had one OUGHT *NOT* do that? What I’m getting at is, there was this time during my progressing baldness I had my head waxed to remove what amounted to an annoying residual fuzz. Now, it’d never occurred to me (previous to faced with Hume’s ‘ought-is problem’) hairy people OUGHT to have an ass-wax-job, but now this seems a logical progression from dirty ass as a result of hairy ass-crack, or that is an IS to an OUGHT.
Jeremy Bentham
It were one Jeremy
Put a scare in thee
Stuffed wit straw
But for his maw
Menacing his posterity
Call him ‘The Headless Horseman’ of philosophers. Bentham arranged to have his skeleton padded with straw and stitched into his clothing .. where he’s since dwelled in a closet (for the past nearly 200 years.) This is quite apropos as he was altogether unsuccessful when he’d sought to decriminalize homosexuality. Because his mummified head is too grotesque to gaze upon, it is kept locked away and does not attend those College of London council meetings where Bentham’s wax substitute for his dehydrated brains is perched on his bones and listed at roll call as ‘present but not voting.’
Like so many champions of modern democracy, for instance Theresa May and Boris Johnson, Bentham espoused individual freedoms while in actual fact he’d been busy designing the precursor to our present day surveillance state:
The Panopticon is a type of institutional building designed by the English philosopher and social theorist Jeremy Bentham in the late 18th century. The concept of the design is to allow a single watchman to observe (-opticon) all (pan-) inmates of an institution without the inmates being able to tell whether or not they are being watched. Although it is physically impossible for the single watchman to observe all cells at once, the fact that the inmates cannot know when they are being watched means that all inmates must act as though they are watched at all times, effectively controlling their own behaviour constantly. The name is also a reference to Panoptes from Greek mythology; he was a giant with a hundred eyes and thus was known to be a very effective watchman
Jeremy Bentham had been the prime candidate for honorary patron of the GCHQ, that is until a debate arose; whether he’d been the inspiration for a shepherd’s sexual encounter with a body of straw stitched into a man’s clothing:
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