Originally composed in 2010, this satire is timeless as the corruption cases surrounding Nicolas Sarkozy just never go away. Today, investigating judges handed down preliminary charges of cheating with overspending on his last election with possibility of further charges including money laundering and fraud charges; this on top of a separate investigation involving selling political favors.
Free speech clown series
Maison de l’Histoire de France
In the annals of two great secular democracies, France has kept her Bastille Day political traditions more intact than the USA has preserved the 4th, but certainly France is not beyond lampooning or, perhaps better said, France has acquired a national habit of self-satirizing, having elected a Hungarian elf with an erection [for jaded super-models] president:
Nicolas Sarkozy, a.k.a. ‘Elfie Fling-fling’, picked up bulemia inspired cat walk queen Carla Bruni within days of his wife Cecelia dumping him for being an elf without a soul. Rather than examine his soulless priorities, having made a big show of a famous socialist humanitarian [Bernard Kouchner] appointed his foreign minister, then Elfie cuddled up with George Bush [apparently soulless Hungarian elves with erections are politically bi-sexual]
More recently the elf tried to strong-arm the employee owned newspaper ‘Le Monde’ into selling itself to one of his politically aligned conservative buddies and failed
Then again, this perpetually erect elf was in the news over a much larger strong-arm robbery-
Enters the scene one erect elf’s acquaintance, gay French troll Francoise-Marie Banier, photographer of modern foppery, who’d pick-pocketed France’s most wealthy woman, 87 year old L’Oreal fortune senility princess Liliane Bettencourt, for over one billion bucks “he is killing me .. give me this, give me that” and [Agatha Christie wrote this next, there can be no other explanation] the senile L’Oreal heiress complies in conversations recorded by her butler
What shows up on the recordings?? One Hungarian elf with an erection tried to block the case coming to court, also his finance minister had solicited and received a bribe of a top-end job for his wife with one senile billionaire heiress’ financial manager, Patrice de Maistre, de Maistre himself [Managing Director at Clymène] is heard telling Bettencourt that she has given Banier, via a foundation, an island in the Seychelles, meanwhile one erect elf managed palace [center of government] “will use people we know” to prevent one gay troll photographer of foppery having to pay back a strong arm robbery proceeds of a billion euro and give up having been named sole heir to the richest woman in France .. all put in the hands of investigating magistrates who, as predicted on tape, declined to prosecute. Next scene?
The Hungarian elf moves to secure his legacy with establishing the ‘Maison de l’Histoire de France’ and it all moves over to a planning session on what it means to be French .. with a peculiar ‘taste’ of colonial Déjà vu.
Invited to the group overseeing the new institution are the elf’s closest confidants .. to include his wife Carla, ex-wife Cecelia and wealthy political patrons, however confused or criminal they might be.. and of course one particularly accomplished con man among this fellowship of con men .. The location is a mansion in Neuilly-sur-Seine, the wealthiest town in France, just outside Paris..
In the men’s room..
Elfie to Banier: I had never known such an ordeal. Never would I have imagined that I would be so profoundly distressed. What was I doing, lobbying you to seduce this woman! Rather I fell in love with you almost immediately. I thought, I must have that man. He’s mine!!
Patrice: Francoise-Marie, I’m going to come straight to the point and it’s a little awkward…. do you still feel like giving Elfie a present? If you do, it should be through Switzerland, not here. And it would facilitate our plans to buy the little boy-whore this legacy of his dreams. There you are. Chlamydia will set up the new project with you, my dear Francoise-Marie. But we are not going to ask Liliane for more money? It wouldn’t smell right
Banier: Not money. An island. That’s it. So, then I can give the island to the lawyer and afterwards..
Elfie interrupts: We live in a world where people don’t all have the same scruples, where all blow jobs cannot be given, and where, to go down on somebody, all means cannot be used. Despite this, nothing will lead me astray from the path that I have chosen. I’m inclined, personally, to think that we Catholics are born pedophile, and it’s a problem that we no longer know how to conceal this pathology. To say I am Peter Pan, it is a lie! To never grow up does not determine a victim!!
Patrice: Yes. Isn’t that odd? [He laughs]
Elfie: How will it go with the project? Francoise-Marie, you are my true soulmate, the person without whom nothing I do would be possible. At the end of the day, my only real worry is you, my Francoise-Marie
Patrice: There is no stopping him
Banier: Yes, the Maison de l’Histoire de France will be funded, I have found a lawyer, he is such a good fuck. Do you have anything against … Lilliane will be buying her own island back again?
Elfie: À coeur vaillant rien d’impossible
Meanwhile, in the ladies’ powder room..
Carla explains to Cecelia: I’m just starting. Nothing was calculated, nothing foreseen. I’ve never been married before and I’m Italian and I don’t like divorce. Therefore I’m the First Lady of France until the end of my husband’s term, and then his wife until death. I know that can hold surprises .. Narcissism lasts a long time, but burning desire — two to three minutes. I’m at most monogamous from moment to moment, I prefer polygamy and polyandry
Cecelia to Carla: Poor girl! In America you would be a Valley Girl, colloquial, materialistic, self-centered, hedonistic, sexually promiscuous, spoiled with more interest in shopping and social status than intellectual development or personal accomplishment
Liliane: I have a feeling Banier is here to ask me for something. Do you know what for?
Cecelia: Fellatio, what else?
Liliane: It’s always the same. He becomes too demanding. Give me this, give me that!
Carla: What is it with these men? Is this why Elfie does not care for my natural orifice?
Cecelia: How did you become pregnant?
Carla: I spit it into a dish at the clinic!
Cecelia: Fellatio bores me stiff, but it can be useful for more than ‘in vitro.’ Carla, if it had been YOU gave the elf a blow job, rather than Bernard-Henri Levy, there would have been no war in Libya, these men are like putty!
Carla: I could not! I was holidaying in Thailand with Benji Biolay, my shaggy dog pop star. Benji’s stiffy is young and does not shrink from natural accommodation. You see, this is why Benji is a ‘bio-lay’ [Carla smirks]
Lilliane calms things: Is that a Jewish name? Excuse me, but I meant is that a reference to ‘kosher’? Please, let me explain something. At my age I have some knowledge of colonial history. To understand fellatio in these men, one must first understand France when Vietnam was French .. and nước mắm. You see all of these men demanding this fermented fish oil, they keep it in the study on the desk. A flask in the pocket. On the nightstand with a shot glass. Why? I will tell you they do not use it as intended with spices .. if only because it’s unadulterated aroma resembles a certain something they do not readily admit. During the siege of Dien Bien Phu, the Legionaires exhausted their supplies of nước mắm. You know, only practicing French Roman Catholics are allowed to be officers. This is the greed, sliminess, snobbishness, hypocrisy, the anti-Semitism that lies beneath our carpet of Catholic haute-bourgeoisie in France. And when the Legionaires discovered the officer’s breath did not change when the nước mắm was exhausted, they could not fight. Suddenly it had been discovered the Legion is gay..
Cecilia: This is why France elected a man, not a couple … we tried everything, I tried everything. But Elfie’s breath disguised as nước mắm, his breath is just so disgusting. A woman with class does not swallow and can wash out the aroma .. will men never learn? To think they would depend on an alibi, the aroma of fermented fish! Please, Carla, you MUST take the seat closest to the elf..
The planning session begins..
Elfie: Today, Cécilia and I are reunited for the good of French history, for real, doubtless for ever, because we are not able and do not know how to separate from each other. Do not be surprised at my appointing her to this group to determine a direction, to establish the Maison de l’Histoire de France as a geographical territory with a soul. And it is so with each of you, a responsibility to adduce the pretensions of France to a certain historical reality..
Carla: Elfie isn’t addicted to power and that’s what makes him courageous. Except for his peculiar breath, I love being with him more than anything. To be certain, I will be seated according to the respect demanded of a hand-maiden to the French people
Elfie: But, I prefer a mouth to the hand
Cecelia: Without a doubt, this is why you have invited Francoise-Marie Banier..
Carla: I can no longer seduce my husband .. I don’t want to hurt him. Thank you Francoise-Marie, because of you, I am no longer a man-eater, I make no mistakes with my teeth!
Banier: As premier mouth-maiden to France, I say it will be established at the Maison de l’Histoire de France, to be French is to ‘sniff’ with a certain éclat. You do this so very well, my sweet Elfie Fling-fling. And I do not mind your breath, because ..
‘C’est pourquoi ils nous appellent les grenouilles’
“It’s why they call us frogs”
Since this satire had been originally composed in 2010, following initial failure to prosecute, the French judicial system has opened criminal investigation into Sarkozy for ‘abuse of the elderly’ tied to whether Sarkozy had accepted large amounts of illegal campaign money from Bettencourt. Since, he’s escaped that but faces a raft of other corruption charges, notably taking millions in illegal cash from Gaddafi, nothing quite like murdering the witnesses against you, eh?
Using google search ‘sarkozy prosecutions’ (top results)
May 7, 2015 – Setback: Criminal investigations into Nicolas Sarkozy will now continue … from prosecution, the Paris home Sarkozy shares with his third wife, …
Sep 24, 2013 – Former French president Nicolas Sarkozy may still face trial for allegedly taking advantage of an ageing millionairess to finance his 2007 …
Jul 4, 2012 – Former French president Nicolas Sarkozy has lost his immunity from prosecution and faces three judicial investigations. Photograph: Laurent …
Nov 2, 2015 – Former French President Nicolas Sarkozy is under investigation for his involvement … After the pilots were able to escape prosecution, French …
Apr 12, 2007 – Nicolas Sarkozy, the favourite to become France’s new president, denied allegations yesterday that he had struck a deal with the outgoing …
Jan 27, 2009 – A Left-wing cartoonist is to go on trial on Tuesday on charges of anti-Semitism for suggesting Jean Sarkozy, the son of the French president, …
May 8, 2015 – “It’s potentially very dangerous for Nicolas Sarkozy, judicially speaking. What he is accused of can lead him to be prosecuted and convicted …
Jun 15, 2012 – The former French President, Nicolas Sarkozy, is facing prosecution. His presidential immunity expires this Friday, so he may soon have to …
Jan 15, 2009 – The centerpiece of Sarkozy’s plan calls for the abolishment of … or British accusatorial legal systems, in which prosecution and defense teams …
Jul 2, 2014 – FRANCE’S former president Nicolas Sarkozy has been charged with … and influence peddling, the prosecution said in a statement to AFP.