Archives for category: comedy

For Jared Kushner, Mike Pence, Bibi Netanyahu & ‘The Donald’

A Heavenly Dialogue

George: Hey Lenny, have you seen Jesus? I’ve got a question for him.

Lenny: He’s never here on weekends, he ALWAYS goes to the Parallel Universe of Tikkun Olam.

George: Why is that?

Lenny: Quantum Mechanics and Communion, every Sunday he’d get all sorts of afflictions if he stuck around, you know, the ‘creating reality’ thing.

George: There has to be a joke in this, right?

Lenny: It’s actually worse than you’d want to think, since the evangelists put words in his mouth to eat Jesus’ body and drink his blood, the liberal Christians give him hives and if that weren’t bad enough, then you’ve got the right-wing pinheads coming down with this cannibal smack, oops, I meant cannibal snack .. all taking a bite out of him, the ultra-right parasite Catholics give him ringworm, the fascist parasitic Protestants give him scabies..

George: Rosicrucians?

Lenny: Rosacia!

George: Holy fuck, no wonder he bails out of the heavens on weekends..

Lenny: Yeah, it’s like why I bailed out of Brooklyn, ultra-orthodox  and little boy butt-fuckery .. all these guys looking like Bavarians in bowler hats with pig-tails in the wrong places, I mean c’mon, wherever you see anything like that, you know something is perverted..

George: Well, I was going to ask him a question, maybe you can help me out. What is up with this ‘Jews for Jesus’ thing?

Lenny: You mean Jews for Jewdas? I mean, here are right wing evangelical Jews praying like Pentecostals for the Jews to be destroyed so they can rebuild the Jewish temple in Jerusalem, call it Christian and get Jesus back .. where’s the sense in that?

George: Well, I was wondering about the ‘makes sense’ part .. I mean, here are Jews trying to covert people into right-wing Christians, and it was right wing Christians had stamped out six million Jews already .. I’d run across this blog “These Jews need Jesus” .. there’s a joke in there somewhere, right?

Lenny: Oh yeah, imagine sending a bunch of pedophile Hasidics to a Puritan chapter of Heaven where no kids are allowed, there’d be a serious riot. As if the corrupt closet-fascist Evangelicals wanted to be outed as well, the schumks!

George: Actually, that’s a GREAT idea.. uh.. Lenny, how many times were you arrested?

“WASHINGTON (AP) — Senior US military officials say Pentagon [is] looking into whether Russia participated in Syrian chemical weapons attack”

So, why would our generals look for an excuse to get us all blown off the face of the earth? Here’s your first clue:

^ “You’re telling me 28 to 34 percent of our military want 7 billion people to die” [believe in literal Armageddon] … “The simple answer is affirmative”

Yes, folks, Trump is either a complete moron or a hostage of Mike Pence and the generals surrounding him who believe in literal Armageddon, check out their spiritual guru:

^ “I’ve seen pictures of the young men in the Red Guard… They would bring in this young man’s mother. He would take an axe and cut her head off. They have to put the purposes of the Red Guard ahead of their father, mother, brother, sister, and their own life. That was a covenant. A pledge. That’s what Jesus said”

MRFF_cartoon

That’s right, folks, and here’s another look at the Pentagon bible study:

Pentagon-Bible - 1 (3)

“To see past and present Bible studies used in the Pentagon click here

And to check out their wildly popular auxiliary lessons, click HERE:

“Left Behind is a series of 16 best-selling religious fiction novels by Tim LaHaye and Jerry B. Jenkins, dealing with Christian dispensationalist End Times: the pretribulation, premillennial, Christian eschatological interpretation of the Biblical apocalypse”

Good luck everyone –

eve

This afternoon the Italian neighbor lady lost it

With a machine gun fire of incredible verbosity

More rapid than any Cuban’s speech to the power of ten

Punctuated with the English “Back off!” and “That’s it!!”

In my mind’s eye I imagined her man’s tailbone come to life

As it elongated and tucked itself between his legs

Morphed into a constrictor

And squeezed his balls to death

As I bail out of the game, here is the gift of all (or nearly all) of the ronaldthomaswest.com articles in a single page of links; beginning with stories of travels through India, then, my personal life adventures largely centered in Native America, if only because I believe this is my most under-appreciated work and deserves greater exposure. Following these accounts are things I personally find interesting, next are external links to books authored by myself and then my satire. Lastly, scroll down to find that work I most detest, the work which had inspired the satire (a sort of therapy) – to discover the real evils of geopolitics.

My Madcap Adventure (tales of a journey to India)

My Madcap Adventure, Episode 1 From Indian country to India

My Madcap Adventure, Episode 2 New Delhi, round one

My Madcap Adventure, Episode 3 On character

My Madcap Adventure, Episode 4 Into the Himalayan foothills

My Madcap Adventure, Episode 5 Sanarth & the Buddha

My Madcap Adventure, Episode 6 Varanasi part one

My Madcap Adventure, Episode 7 Varanasi part two

My Madcap Adventure, Episode 8 Varanasi part three

My Madcap Adventure, Episode 9 Katmandu

My Madcap Adventure, Episode 10 Trisuli River

My Madcap Adventure, Episode 11 Chitwan National Park

My Madcap Adventure, Episode 12 Katmandu reprise

My Madcap Adventure, Episode 13 Back to Hotel Imperial

My Madcap Adventure, Episode 14 The riots begin

My Madcap Adventure, Episode 15 To the Taj Palace Hotel

My Madcap Adventure, Episode 16 Out of Delhi!

My Madcap Adventure, Episode 17 Cairo-London-New York

My Madcap Adventure, Episode 18 Aftermath

My Madcap Adventure, Epilogue (Notes) corrections/disclaimers

*

Life in Indian Country:

Life in Blackfoot Country Learning to go hungry

Keeping a Pipe On forgotten knowledge

Pipe Maker A story with a moral

The Novice A story with a moral

The Stick Game Native quantum mechanics (the witches)

The Legend of the Blackfoot Titan Mik-api

Happy the Indian Guide Indian stereotypes

Raven and Thunder Blackfoot Law of Matriarchy

Strawberry Medicine Men and a Stellar Jay

Napi in the New Age A ‘red apple’ story (satire)

Essay on Native American Humor Why I’m not politically correct

Junípero Serra On house breaking dogs (Catholic style)

The DIA and Shamanism Failed exploitation of indigenous knowledge

Native Americans and Race Race is BS to authentic Indians

Michele Bachmann & Wild Indians Satire

Apple Indians & Anthropology Anthropology as a faith-based initiative

Modern Indian Society A short history of cultural transition

Losers A Native perspective of Plato & western science

The Legacy of Russell Means ‘think twice’

New Age Homicide for $MONEY$ ‘think thrice’

*

Just stuff:

Nixtamal

Condensed for the Absolutely & Truly Dense

Thomas Paine

French Peacekeepers

Raphael’s Paradox

Brownie, a Weimaraner A folk story

Original Sin is a Hate Crime Abuse of women & nature

The Gospel According to Ronald On the historical Jesus

To Forgive is a Crime To excuse the inexcusable

Ron’s Conspiracy Theory Cosmology is the conspiracy

You’ve Got Apes! European cultural mentality

A Spy in the House of the Unloved Refuting Anias Nin

A Coward Called Machismo Observations on Machismo

How I rose from the dead (40 years after)

The More Important Blessing Quotes

Mr Chan A true story of real charity

Bruno the Bear Animal stereotypes

Recreating a Hot Spring in Your Bathtub A memory of Yellowstone

*

My Books (external links)

Penucquem Speaks 30 years life with Blackfeet Indians

Napi Mephisto on cross-cultural encounters

Queer Chicken Dinner refuting Jack Kerouac

Cosmos & Consciousness on reality

*

The Satires

March of the Tickle Dicks pictorial

The Logic Behind The American Vote thumbnail satire

Moot Court The Donald vs Ted Cruz

Whereas the Enemy of Your Friend is Your Favorite F**K

Urolagnetics On Scientology

Junípero Serra On house breaking dogs (Catholic style)

MERGE On Chomsky’s theory

People Who Behave As Stupid As They Look Uh-huh

Who Punked the Cardinal? On Vatican Fashion

Opus Dei creavit monitor lacertae Charlie Hebdo & satire

Alfreda Bikowski & the Definition of Stupid Only at the CIA

Obama’s Speech at Queensland Parody

Liberals On multiculturalism

Obama’s Speech to Skull & Bones A parody of his UN address

Teleprompter Forget it, you don’t want to go there

Thuck Norris Rated ‘S’ for SICK (parental advisory)

Democracy Now! State secrets & the war in Liberacestan

Michele Bachmann & Wild Indians Kerouac in drag

Dick Cheney’s Rottweiler Dog butt-sniffing rituals

Maison de l’Histoire de France Fellatio, Sarkozy & French history

The Great Phuc Uuus Massacre Propaganda trained CIA lizards

Bozo’s Handcock U Speech George Bush & Tony Blair in love

My Life as a Joke Personal Ad (women only please)

The Pachuco Stare Decisis SCOTUS = SCROTUM

The Moron Bernard-Henry Lévy He truly is a moron

How Jesus Gets Kicked Out Of Heaven Naughty George Carlin

NOT My Last Tango in Paris The NSA & cyanide suppositories

Demons Anonymous Addiction to destructive fantasies

Saint Chester Prince of the Church & patron saint of boys

A Conversation With Jon Stewart Barack Obama is a White man!

Scooby Doo is Lyndon LaDouche ‘Rut a retard’

Saki & Barf: killer women of the State Department Just rude

Salinas vs Texas U.S. Supreme Court self inflicted lawyer joke

Life’s Little Surprises A devil teaches law

Happy the Indian Guide On stereotypes

Napi in the New Age A ‘red apple’ Indian story

Mother’s Day and Male Dopes Moms & cannabis

Breakfast at a Pizzaria The German ‘I hate my life’ philosophy

Our Gang rascals too big for their breeches

World Cup Scribbles Rabies & dog muzzles

English Football International competition

Sardonism Adults Playing Cowboys and Indians

The Gospel According to Ronald On the historical Jesus

The Islamic State for Dummies The K.I.S.S. principle

NATO’s Three Chihuahuas Small dog syndrome

Essay On Native American Humor ‘Napi Eats His Butt’ (Best satire)

Perverts of Western Philosophy Locke to de Sade (and more)

A Cheesey Detective Story (the short lived series)

Episode 1

Episode 2

Guest Satire:

Raghead Political satire by Bill Purkayastha

Admiral John Kirby Comedy straight out of the Pentagon

About Clowns DJ Rankin

*

The NAZI Meme

Deep State I

Deep State II

Deep State III

Deep State IV

Deep State V

Deep State VI

Hillary Clinton in Four Short Paragraphs

Intelligence Agencies & Wikipedia

The CIA And Nonviolent Resistance

God’s Chosen is a Dumb Idea 

The Secret Team is The Family

Profits of War

Fear of Minor Debris

The Alpha Chronology

Reorganizing Murder Incorporated 

Square Pegs in Round Holes:

“We Tortured Some Folks”

Fear of Minor Debris

Intelligence Agencies & Wikipedia

Laura Poitras’ Myopia

Death of a MOSSAD Agent

*

On Ukraine:

Denial

Stratfor Chief

Winning Ugly

Reuters & A Fixed Verdict

Kiev’s Nazis

Black Boxes, Dark Arts & Geopolitics

If Russia Were To Back Down on MH 17 ?

Elliot Higgins on MH 17

Poison Fruit Encore 1

Obama’s Ukraine

The New Great Game

USAID & Chevron

Victoria Nuland’s Wedding

Germany’s Martyrs of the Maidan

John Kerry’s neo-nazi snipers

The CIA and a Liar’s Fastrack

Dominionism’s Fingers in Kiev

The Washington Post & Double Think

The Disinformation Nation

The Ascension of The Morons

Poison Fruit Encore 2

People Who Behave As Stupid As They Look

Admiral John Kirby

Mutti, Piggies and the Minsk Peace Accord

The Intercept Takes A Dive 

The Intercept Takes A Dive Episode 2

*

Related stuff:

What Do Putin’s Adviser’s Know? You can listen right here

Sergei Lavrov’s UN Speech Russia’s Foreign Minister on 27 Sept 2014

Putin’s Speech of 24 October 2014 Sane by comparison with NATO

Tactical Nuclear Weapons for Dummies Pentagon fantasies

*

Arab Spring:

Overview

Egypt Round Two

Syria Part One

Syria Part Two

Syria Part Three 

Syria Part Four

The Islamic State for Dummies

NATO, God & Military Mafia

Western Democracies, Salafist Militia & Syria 

Litmus Test

Lies by Omission

Friday the 13th in Paris

The Real Intelligence on Our Leaders

Whereas the Enemy of Your Friend is Your Favorite F**K

Letter to Doctors Without Borders 

NATO’s Most Censored Story

*

Other stuff:

Parting Shot On media

Throwing Stones From Glass Houses Social-political commentary

Vice and MI6

Seymour Hersh & Mythology

Machine Pistol

Fletcher Prouty and the Secret Team (Today)

Defense One Zero Hedge Drinks The Kool Aid

Médecins Sans Frontiéres

USAID in Central Africa

Reuters & A Fixed Verdict

Truth Jockeys

Why NSA Wants Your Metadata

Farewell to the Black White-Man

Boris Nemtsov

Chevron & USAID

Alfreda Bikowski & the Definition of Stupid

Paranoia of Dianne Feinstein

In the Shoes of an Insurgent

Square Pegs in Round Holes

Metadata & Panorama

Reorganizing Murder Incorporated

Votes and Vanishing Acts

Poison Fruit

The Left’s Anti-Federalist Urban Legend

CIA vs JFK

The Navy Yard Reporting Smells Wrong

MOSSAD and Jews for Jesus

“We Tortured Some Folks”

Hillary Clinton in Four Short Paragraphs

Stupid is as Stupid Does

Mojahedin-e-Khalq

Military Sock Puppets, NSA Trolls & CIA Shills

CIA & The Media

WikiLeaks & Spy Agencies

Noteworthy Information Operations

*

More stuff:

Throwing Stones From Glass Houses

Why the FBI Will Never Investigate the Biggest Criminals

CIA and Public Relations

VICE & The CIA

Greek Tragedy

Winning Ugly

Truth Jockeys

Greek Hubris

How To Make Powerful Enemies In Four Short Paragraphs

People Too Stupid to Understand They’re Stupid

Holocaust & Narrative Perversion

See’s Sampler

Stupid is as Stupid Does

NATO’s Three Chihuahuas

Evil Cynics, Stooges & Dupes

Empire & Blow-back

Erik Prince & Pedophile Priests

The NSA’s Egregious Liar

Robert Seldon Lady, CIA Slime-Bag

Cheap Tricks for Jesus

The Economics of Moonshine Whiskey

Celebrating the Anti-Christ

Enlightenment: The Automated Death Machine

Napi Mephisto

Snowden & Snooping

Uncle Sam, Dominionist Puppet

Of Nukes, Courage and Cowards

Outline of a Snowden Legal Defense

Color of Law, Star Chamber, FISA & PRISM

The Greatest Criminal Endeavor

Our Vital National Interests

How to Make Powerful Enemies in Three Short Paragraphs

How to Make Powerful Enemies In a Few Paragraphs

If  The Left Are Sheep, The Right Are Fish

The (No) ‘Establishment’ Clause

North Carolina’s 2nd Secession From the Union

EXBERLINER (1)

EXBERLINER (2)

EXBERLINER (3)

EXBERLINER (4)

Post Modern Teutonic Vision

The USA vs The Teutons

*

A little more about books:

GLADIO

Profits of War

Invective

David Ignatius’ Body of Lies

John Le Carre’s A Delicate Truth

Robert Littell’s The Company

No Snowflake in an Avalanche

Dirty Wars

Should I be a Spy Novelist?

To The Far Right Christian Hater

A Report to an Academy

*

My blog had begun attracting readers in mid 2014, when I’d been giving it real attention for several months. This upcoming week of 21 March 2016, coinciding with withdrawing from giving ronaldthomaswest.com sustained attention, it will pass the 100,000 hits mark (it stands at 99,685 as I write this.)

Hardly some mega-phenomena but not bad either. Now, it’s just another internet archive –

*

S1

All original material copyright Ⓒ 2015 by Ronald Thomas West: For profit & mass paper media redistribution prohibited

 

Originally composed in 2010, this satire is timeless as the corruption cases surrounding Nicolas Sarkozy just never go away. Today, investigating judges handed down preliminary charges of cheating with overspending on his last election with possibility of further charges including money laundering and fraud charges; this on top of a separate investigation involving selling political favors.

dead clown

Free speech clown series

*

Maison de l’Histoire de France

In the annals of two great secular democracies, France has kept her Bastille Day political traditions more intact than the USA has preserved the 4th, but certainly France is not beyond lampooning or, perhaps better said, France has acquired a national habit of self-satirizing, having elected a Hungarian elf with an erection [for jaded super-models] president:

Nicolas Sarkozy, a.k.a. ‘Elfie Fling-fling’, picked up bulemia inspired cat walk queen Carla Bruni within days of his wife Cecelia dumping him for being an elf without a soul. Rather than examine his soulless priorities, having made a big show of a famous socialist humanitarian [Bernard Kouchner] appointed his foreign minister, then Elfie cuddled up with George Bush [apparently soulless Hungarian elves with erections are politically bi-sexual]

More recently the elf tried to strong-arm the employee owned newspaper ‘Le Monde’ into selling itself to one of his politically aligned conservative buddies and failed

Then again, this perpetually erect elf was in the news over a much larger strong-arm robbery-

Enters the scene one erect elf’s acquaintance, gay French troll Francoise-Marie Banier, photographer of modern foppery, who’d pick-pocketed France’s most wealthy woman, 87 year old L’Oreal fortune senility princess Liliane Bettencourt, for over one billion bucks “he is killing me  .. give me this, give me that” and [Agatha Christie wrote this next, there can be no other explanation] the senile L’Oreal heiress complies in conversations recorded by her butler

Frog

^ Banier

What shows up on the recordings?? One Hungarian elf with an erection tried to block the case coming to court, also his finance minister had solicited and received a bribe of a top-end job for his wife with one senile billionaire heiress’ financial manager, Patrice de Maistre, de Maistre himself [Managing Director at Clymène] is heard telling Bettencourt that she has given Banier, via a foundation, an island in the Seychelles, meanwhile one erect elf managed palace [center of government] “will use people we know” to prevent one gay troll photographer of foppery having to pay back a strong arm robbery proceeds of a billion euro and give up having been named sole heir to the richest woman in France .. all put in the hands of investigating magistrates who, as predicted on tape, declined to prosecute. Next scene?

The Hungarian elf moves to secure his legacy with establishing the Maison de l’Histoire de France and it all moves over to a planning session on what it means to be French .. with a peculiar ‘taste’ of colonial Déjà vu.

Invited to the group overseeing the new institution are the elf’s closest confidants .. to include his wife Carla, ex-wife Cecelia and wealthy political patrons, however confused or criminal they might be.. and of course one particularly accomplished con man among this fellowship of con men .. The location is a mansion in Neuilly-sur-Seine, the wealthiest town in France, just outside Paris..

In the men’s room..

Elfie to Banier: I had never known such an ordeal. Never would I have imagined that I would be so profoundly distressed. What was I doing, lobbying  you to seduce this woman! Rather I fell in love with you almost immediately. I thought, I must have that man. He’s mine!!

Patrice: Francoise-Marie, I’m going to come straight to the point and it’s a little awkward…. do you still feel like giving Elfie a present? If you do, it should be through Switzerland, not here. And it would facilitate our plans to buy the little boy-whore this legacy of his dreams. There you are. Chlamydia will set up the new project with you, my dear Francoise-Marie. But we are not going to ask Liliane for more money? It wouldn’t smell right

Banier: Not money. An island. That’s it. So, then I can give the island to the lawyer and afterwards..

Elfie interrupts: We live in a world where people don’t all have the same scruples, where all blow jobs cannot be given, and where, to go down on somebody, all means cannot be used. Despite this, nothing will lead me astray from the path that I have chosen. I’m inclined, personally, to think that we Catholics are born pedophile, and it’s a problem that we no longer know how to conceal this pathology. To say I am Peter Pan, it is a lie! To never grow up does not determine a victim!!

Patrice: Yes. Isn’t that odd? [He laughs]

Elfie: How will it go with the project? Francoise-Marie, you are my true soulmate, the person without whom nothing I do would be possible. At the end of the day, my only real worry is you, my Francoise-Marie

Patrice: There is no stopping him

Banier: Yes, the Maison de l’Histoire de France will be funded, I have found a lawyer, he is such a good fuck. Do you have anything against … Lilliane will be buying her own island back again?

Elfie: À coeur vaillant rien d’impossible

Meanwhile, in the ladies’ powder room..

Carla explains to Cecelia: I’m just starting. Nothing was calculated, nothing foreseen. I’ve never been married before and I’m Italian and I don’t like divorce. Therefore I’m the First Lady of France until the end of my husband’s term, and then his wife until death. I know that can hold surprises .. Narcissism lasts a long time, but burning desire — two to three minutes. I’m at most monogamous from moment to moment, I prefer polygamy and polyandry

Cecelia to Carla: Poor girl! In America you would be a Valley Girl, colloquial, materialistic, self-centered, hedonistic, sexually promiscuous, spoiled with more interest in shopping and social status than intellectual development or personal accomplishment

Liliane: I have a feeling Banier is here to ask me for something. Do you know what for?

Cecelia: Fellatio, what else?

Liliane: It’s always the same. He becomes too demanding. Give me this, give me that!

Carla: What is it with these men? Is this why Elfie does not care for my natural orifice?

Cecelia: How did you become pregnant?

Carla: I spit it into a dish at the clinic!

Cecelia: Fellatio bores me stiff, but it can be useful for more than ‘in vitro.’ Carla, if it had been YOU gave the elf a blow job, rather than Bernard-Henri Levy, there would have been no war in Libya, these men are like putty!

Carla: I could not! I was holidaying in Thailand with Benji Biolay, my shaggy dog pop star. Benji’s stiffy is young and does not shrink from natural accommodation. You see, this is why Benji is a ‘bio-lay’ [Carla smirks]

Lilliane calms things: Is that a Jewish name? Excuse me, but I meant is that a reference to ‘kosher’? Please, let me explain something. At my age I have some knowledge of colonial history. To understand fellatio in these men, one must first understand France when Vietnam was French .. and nước mắm. You see all of these men demanding this fermented fish oil, they keep it in the study on the desk. A flask in the pocket. On the nightstand with a shot glass. Why? I will tell you they do not use it as intended with spices .. if only because it’s unadulterated aroma resembles a certain something they do not readily admit. During the siege of Dien Bien Phu, the Legionaires exhausted their supplies of nước mắm. You know, only practicing French Roman Catholics are allowed to be officers. This is the greed, sliminess, snobbishness, hypocrisy, the anti-Semitism that lies beneath our carpet of Catholic haute-bourgeoisie in France. And when the Legionaires discovered the officer’s breath did not change when the nước mắm was exhausted, they could not fight. Suddenly it had been discovered the Legion is gay..

Cecilia: This is why France elected a man, not a couple … we tried everything, I tried everything. But Elfie’s breath disguised as nước mắm, his breath is just so disgusting. A woman with class does not swallow and can wash out the aroma .. will men never learn? To think they would depend on an alibi, the aroma of fermented fish! Please, Carla, you MUST take the seat closest to the elf..

The planning session begins..

Elfie: Today, Cécilia and I are reunited for the good of French history, for real, doubtless for ever, because we are not able and do not know how to separate from each other. Do not be surprised at my appointing her to this group to determine a direction, to establish the Maison de l’Histoire de France as a geographical territory with a soul. And it is so with each of you, a responsibility to adduce the pretensions of France to a certain historical reality..

Carla: Elfie isn’t addicted to power and that’s what makes him courageous. Except for his peculiar breath, I love being with him more than anything. To be certain, I will be seated according to the respect demanded of a hand-maiden to the French people

Elfie: But, I prefer a mouth to the hand

Cecelia: Without a doubt, this is why you have invited Francoise-Marie Banier..

Carla: I can no longer seduce my husband .. I don’t want to hurt him. Thank you Francoise-Marie, because of you, I am no longer a man-eater, I make no mistakes with my teeth!

Banier: As premier mouth-maiden to France, I say it will be established at the Maison de l’Histoire de France, to be French is to ‘sniff’ with a certain éclat. You do this so very well, my sweet Elfie Fling-fling. And I do not mind your breath, because ..

‘C’est pourquoi ils nous appellent les grenouilles’

frogs

“It’s why they call us frogs”

Since this satire had been originally composed in 2010, following initial failure to prosecute, the French judicial system has opened criminal investigation into Sarkozy for ‘abuse of the elderly’ tied to whether Sarkozy had accepted large amounts of illegal campaign money from Bettencourt. Since, he’s escaped that but faces a raft of other corruption charges, notably taking millions in illegal cash from Gaddafi, nothing quite like murdering the witnesses against you, eh?

Using google search ‘sarkozy prosecutions’ (top results)

Sep 24, 2013 – Former French president Nicolas Sarkozy may still face trial for allegedly taking advantage of an ageing millionairess to finance his 2007 …
Jul 4, 2012 – Former French president Nicolas Sarkozy has lost his immunity from prosecution and faces three judicial investigations. Photograph: Laurent …

Former French President, Nicolas Sarkozy, a Suspect After …

thefreethoughtproject.com/french-president-phones-seized-35-million-dr…
Nov 2, 2015 – Former French President Nicolas Sarkozy is under investigation for his involvement … After the pilots were able to escape prosecution, French …

Sarkozy denies deal to stop Chirac prosecution – Telegraph

http://www.telegraph.co.uk › News › World News

Apr 12, 2007 – Nicolas Sarkozy, the favourite to become France’s new president, denied allegations yesterday that he had struck a deal with the outgoing …

Jan 27, 2009 – A Left-wing cartoonist is to go on trial on Tuesday on charges of anti-Semitism for suggesting Jean Sarkozy, the son of the French president, …
May 8, 2015 – “It’s potentially very dangerous for Nicolas Sarkozy, judicially speaking. What he is accused of can lead him to be prosecuted and convicted …

Sarkozy faces prosecution – News – Politics – The Voice of …

sputniknews.com/voiceofrussia/2012_06_15/78181753/
Jun 15, 2012 – The former French President, Nicolas Sarkozy, is facing prosecution. His presidential immunity expires this Friday, so he may soon have to …
Jan 15, 2009 – The centerpiece of Sarkozy’s plan calls for the abolishment of … or British accusatorial legal systems, in which prosecution and defense teams …

Jul 2, 2014 – FRANCE’S former president Nicolas Sarkozy has been charged with … and influence peddling, the prosecution said in a statement to AFP.

**

The Satires

At the Supreme Court of the United States, an emergency hearing on Ted Cruz’ eligibility to be on the ballot for President of the United States is underway. The issue before the court is whether Cruz, born in Canada to a Cuban father and American mother, is a ‘natural born’ American. Follows is the court recorder’s transcript of the ‘oral’ arguments:

In The Supreme Court of the United States

In the cause of

The Donald, Plaintiff

vs

Ted Cruz, Defendant

(sy)Phyllis Schafly & Ann Coulter; counsel of record for the Plaintiff

John Yoo; counsel of record for the Defendant

Mr Chief Justice Roberts: Counsel for the Plaintiff may proceed…

(sy)Phyllis Schafly: Distinguished Justices, it is my distinct honor to address this august body in the matter of The Donald versus Teddy. Can any of the ‘boyz’ give “Natural Born” American citizenship to their kids? Mr Justice Scalia, you say you must interpret the law strictly as it reads, literally as you see it in front you, it has taken on a life of it’s own regardless of our founders [legislative] intent. Soooo… counsel for the defense will insist we have to stick to “Natural” born because that is what the Constitution says… we cede this means you must have an American mother! But there’s another way of looking at this, a greater requirement. How can a mere American mother be truly the whole definition of natural? Were pain relievers employed? Were delivery forceps used? These preceding should disqualify a birth as natural. Was there a midwife present for delivery? A conservative view of natural birth could go so far as to demand: did the mother eat her placenta? If not, how is the defendant’s birth in any sense ‘natural’ ?  We hold our constitution’s language insists any natural birth, must be Le Boyer method with a midwife present, at minimum, otherwise no birth, any birth, can be construed to be natural.

Mr Chief Justice Roberts: Counsel for the Defendant?

John Yoo: My friends on the other side are making a specious argument. By their logic, except a midwife were to be present, most citizens could not be elected president if born of an American mother via modern process. Any such demand of the law is archaic. Now, what are we to do with a general and widespread absence of midwives? Practice necromancy? Henry VIII had Thomas a’Becket’s bones disinterred and put him on trial, so, other than 14 years residence requirement, there is precedent to bring Benedict Arnold’s bones home from England and following 14 years, we could elect a dead treasonous president. Or dig up Andy Jackson… if only because in earlier times it was common to deliver with a midwife. What living person would be eligible today?

Mr Justice Kennedy: Rebuttal?

(sy)Phyllis Schafly: Andy put his middle finger right where the sun never shines… in this Supreme Court’s predecessor and our constitution’s anus when he said “John Marshall has said what the law is, now let him enforce it”

Mr Justice Scalia: Mr Yoo?

John Yoo: Precedent holds ’I-da-ho’ born (pardon the Black English) Sarah ‘it sucks to be me’ Palin’s fellow Bible fascist, John McCain, was born in Panama of U.S. parents and McCain is a constitutionally legitimate “Natural Born American.” And surely this is because the United States Senate said so … speaking of any legitimate “Natural” birth… and Mr Justice Scalia, you state you must read the constitution literally… because it’s all about original intent… that is, “natural birth” could be our supreme law’s demand but in the annals of stare decisis established by this court it’s not necessarily our right!

Ms Justice Ginsberg: Mr Yoo, when referencing the ‘senate’, are you inferring ‘Caesarean’ birth is not eligible? Under any circumstance? Are we still a republic of laws or a case of Brutus’ gratitude shown to his patrimony? Please, I don’t require answer!

Ms Justice Ginsberg sits back and steadily staring at Yoo, primly pushes her spectacles up the bridge of her nose with a middle finger

Mr Justice Scalia: Ms Coulter?

Ann Coulter: Mr Justice Scalia, you learned from the Marshall court… tit for tat… you stopped the recount in Florida and elected George Bush… and put your middle finger up all of America and the world’s ass… speaking of where the sun never shines… the place where George was born to peer out from… we so love our ‘living constitution’ for that!

Coulter and Schafly, pitched their argument to the liberal justices, hoping for Mr Justice Kennedy’s ‘swing’ vote, but Coulter realizing her side could be losing, hikes up her already too short skirt, sits down and spreads her legs in full view of the several justices. Mr Justice Thomas inadvertently blurts out “Long Dong Silver!” as ‘Oral’ argument chaos ensues with counsels’ reptilian reflex soon turning the subject to democrats

John Yoo: Object!

Mr Chief Justice Roberts: Mr Yoo?

John Yoo: If Ms Coulter’s skirt were any shorter, we’d be arguing the color of her panties!

Ms Justice Sotomayor: I assure counsel for the defendant Ms Coulter is NOT wearing panties. The view from the bench is clear… Mr Yoo, in absence of the stated object, your objection cannot be contextualized in present justiciable controversy [smiles]

Mr Chief Justice Roberts: Objection over-ruled. Ms Schafly?

Mr Chief Justice Roberts is now staring at Coulter constantly, as is Ms Justice Sotomayor, not only Mr Justice Thomas

(sy)Phyllis Schafly: There could be a problem with ‘unnatural’ birth in the senate membership per se. Example given, those several Senate lawyers sucking off corporate PAC cocks, the worst sort of unnatural, closet morality you can imagine, speaking of the unnatural cocksuckers who give birth to our patently unconstitutional laws… nothing natural at all going on there. As well, a case of unnatural rebirth would be Al Franken giving up comedy to suck off corporate PACs… should have been a miscarriage somewhere there. Abort? I suggest respectfully the several honorable justices affirming Citizens United would have approved ‘termination’ in Senator Franken’s case. What candidate from the senate, any candidate from the senate, can claim natural birth?

Mr Justice Alito: Heil Fulgencio Batista! Excuse me, I meant, Mr Yoo will again proceed?

Mr Justice Alito is also constantly staring at Coulter

John Yoo: Joe ‘Homo Erect’us’ Biden… with his dentu-crème smile, is in line to replace the “Natural” born Obama… we should appreciate Joe’s sobriquet “Homo Erect’us” because Joe is from Senator Larry ‘closet latrine homo’ Craig’s “chamber”, so what is the possible problem with that? Larry Craig was never ineligible for reason of his natural perversions, considering science has demonstrated bonobos masturbate using holes, any holes, assholes, holes in trees, the oral orifice… as Hillary’s possible running mate, why risk another eight years of the wholly natural PAC-sucker ‘Homo ‘Erect’us’ Joe presiding over the senate?

Yoo is desperately thinking but fears his inexperience if he were to bring cunnilingus into the argument

Ms Justice Kagan: Ms Schafly?

Ms Justice Kagan, now breathing heavily, has also been staring all the time at Coulter

(sy)Phyllis Schafly: Joe ‘Homo ‘Erect’us’ Biden is just another ‘unnatural’ venal corporate cocksucker, he has taken piles of PAC money… never mind he secretly wants Israel to blow up Iran who will in turn blow up Berlin, Brussels, London and Paris, not merely Tel Aviv. Not to mention Iran blowing up our CIA liaised special forces in Baluchistan, Iraq, Syria and Afghanistan, soldiers who only wish our Congressional military/industrial corporate PAC cocksuckers did not keep them in perpetual deployments to war on behalf of Exxon/Mobil and Chevron… and wish the unnatural Congressional cocksuckers would just shut down the money paying for those wars [that would be constitutional] and maybe we could use some of the money saved to get breadwinners working in homeless families rebuilding our infrastructure… get them off the street… but Congress is too preoccupied with unnatural sucking bank and military/industrial PAC cocks to do that… Joe needs the ‘erect’ taken out of  his ‘homo’ to become wholly sapien but behavior modifications fail with rapists and pedophiles and likely unnatural primitive-warmonger-venal-corporate-PAC-cocksuckers as well, we all NEVER want ‘Dentu-Crème smiles Joe’ to be elevated to president…

Mr Justice Breyer: Mr Yoo?

Mr Justice Breyer has been studiously avoiding looking at Coulter

John Yoo: My client is born again! “Born again” is natural birth!! What could be more natural than possessed by the Holy Spirit? Aaaar-papa-papa-hula. Ooooo-vagino. Oreo-lolo-andy-olliegarcho-golly-boris-alloweeeenie!

Ann Coulter: I object to any such “tortured” argument! Fuck Yoo!! Stop speaking in tongues!!! Keep religion out of it!!!!

Mr Chief Justice Roberts: Can anyone here translate tongues? No? Objection sustained.

As the story of Bernie Sanders nomination by the Democratic convention breaks on the newswires, Mr Chief Justice Roberts opens an envelope delivered by his clerk

Mr Chief Justice Roberts: I’ve just been passed a note from Joint Chiefs of Staff Chairman General Dumbford. The general has declared himself Chief Executive Officer of these Christian Dominion States of America for life. All federal elections are suspended in perpetuity. Per General Dumbford’s orders, I hereby suspend the constitution on account of ongoing threat of terror and appoint all of this institution’s colleagues on my right to the FISA Court and further rule this body dissolved until General Dumbford’s new personnel are in place. The Donald versus Cruz is moot! [gavel bangs]

Mr Justice Kennedy’s ‘tent pole’ collapses beneath his judicial robe, Mr Chief Justice Roberts, together with Mr Justices Alito, Scalia and Thomas, jump up to perform high fives, totally oblivious to robes revealing their ‘artillery’ is deployed horizontally

*

homer-simpson-mooning

Brought to you by the free speech clown

The Satires

*

Related:

Essay On Native American Humor

Urolagnetics |ˌyo͝orōˈlagnetics|
noun
pl.noun [ treated as sing. ]
a system developed by the founder of Scientology, L. Ron Hubbard, that aims to enhance psychosomatic ejaculation caused by a tendency to derive sexual pleasure from the sight or thought of urination

Philosophy Ejaculates After 2,000 Years
By L. Ron Hubbard

Pederasty did not end with Ancient Greece. Out of this ‘Natural’ Philosophy of those times came our new age pseudo-science. The wonders of cappuccino and frappe, quiche, lattes, vibrators and even porn have their roots in the firm base of Greek Philosophy.

When Diogenes urinated on Plato’s carpet, all the rest, Aristotle, Euclid, Thales, Heraclitus, Parmenides, Democritus, and Pythagoras laughed to tears as they spontaneously ejaculated their knowledge into the future.

Even though all this madness developed out of Greek thought and pederasty, with the notable exception of Diogenes, consider the great names of Philosophy had failed.

And so they had. Until today.

For their philosophic goal was the supremacy of European cultural mentality and its relationship to the Universe. And this Universe they could never ejaculate upon. Their proven penis envy with their Catholic assertion Man was a dildo clothed in flesh, they could only assert it with the lingams launched from the world’s several cosmodromes. And so they drowned in the great flow of pontificated urination which evolved to engulf the world in the coming 21st Century Dark Age.

Why did they fail? They needed the higher psycho-somosis of the ‘clear’ (climax) which would, over two thousand years later, erupt from my morally ‘erect’ philosophy.

This was ascertained. But it was used for different purposes than those advertised, and Celebrity Man turned his back upon dreams of equity and succumbed to making movies about piloting planes to bomb cities and atom bombs to wipe out the Mankind only the CIA fused Hollywood had understood.

That’s Urolagnetics. And in it, the goals of Greek Pederasty live again.

Using modern developments in the sciences, it became possible to approach again the basic problems, What is ejaculation? What is its relationship to the Universe? What is the Universe?

Urolagnetics, after a three quarters of a century of careful research and investigation, can answer, with scientific truth, those questions and can prove the answers.

This is rather a climax.

We have come so far from Diogenes pissing on Plato’s sitting place that we have almost forgotten what he was trying to tell us. But if you consult writings of the work they did over two thousand years ago, you will see the plucked, naked rooster racing about: “Behold Plato’s Man!”

They wanted Man to know. They did not fail. They laid the ancient Greeks a firm alter on which to practice the Priapism. And two thousand and more years later, our ‘clear’ ejaculations furnish the evidence they need.

And that evidence and its truths and its great potential of betterment for the individual and all Mankind are completed work today in Urolagnetics.

We have reached the ‘stars’ the ancients saw; Tom Cruise, John Travolta, Isaac Hayes, Mike Adams and more. And we know what it is. You’ll find its value when you become a Urolagneticist, a being who has come to know himself, life and the Universe and can give a philosophical hand-job to those around him in the presence of these very stars.

And then, Le Petite Imbecile Ron, urinating in his state of ‘clear’ … psychosomatically ejaculated himself fifteen feet into the air, no different to the Blackfoot ‘Old Tom’ had demonstrated possible; when handing Hubbard the keys to the shamanic universe when a four year old child:

Note: satire based on the 1969 essay ‘Philosophy Wins After 2,000 Years’ by L Ron Hubbard

The Satires

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