Israel Shamir, over at Unz.com, has penned an article many would take for a satire, but wait; in his comment (#142) he appears to be translating the bald facts from the Russian side; concerning a recent oxygen leak at the International Space Station coupled with the proposed fact it all began with the American female astronaut had broken the ‘state-of-the-art’ toilet in the USA’s quarters and related, resultant ‘float-out’ (as opposed to a gravity-based ‘fall-out’)

Now, it is not clear to me if Shamir is translating what amounts to a Russian ‘Onion’ article but the issues raised point to related subjects certainly worth examining. Shamir’s space station reporting, in short, proposes something along the line of this following:

The USA’s female astronaut broke the American sector’s toilet. The Americans attempted to negotiate the use of the Russian sector’s toilet to a resounding NYET! from Russian mission control; ostensibly (some suspect sanctions revenge) because the Russian sector’s toilet would be over-burdened, it wasn’t designed to handle five, but only two, cosmonauts. ‘Float-out’ from the broken American toilet is contaminating the American sector with the expected stench that would accompany the bits of feces wandering about. Judging from the female American astronaut’s subsequent behaviors, one can only speculate about menstrual blood in the American ‘atmosphere.’ It seems the entire crew (Russians & Americans alike) want her out but NASA flatly refuses, because the Russians charge the Americans 81 million dollars a seat to fly the USA mission to the station, and NASA doesn’t wish to pay $81,000,000 for what amounts to rescuing & replacing an ’emo.’ Meanwhile there has been sabotage of the Russian sector, a hole drilled in the space station, located in their loo, while the Russians were out spacewalking, during an unauthorized visit to the Russian sector by one female astronaut. If the Russians had not located the hole, this would have forced abandoning the space station. Now, the Russians have been authorized to deal with the onboard lunatics (it seems all the Americans have inhaled fecal matter to point of madness, there has been at least one physical altercation over access to the working Russian toilet) as necessary, by their mission control. One wonders if one United States astronautette will be ejaculated, er, I meant ejected into space by the crude Russian cosmonauts.

Pending resolution of this potential inter-stellar #MeToo crisis, NASA has secretly invested in Houston’s silicon sex-bot brothel industry with an eye to simulated female astronauts of the future; the top secret details of which have been leaked to this reporter. The futuristic American silicon prototype female astronaut’s AI will be programmed for monthly-cycle coordinated chemical imbalance simulation with a disable switch activated by a solid ‘bottom-slap.’ We are told the realistic character will convince beyond anything ever produced by the secret Disney Studio Moon-landing project, securely preserving the American space program’s pretense of egalitarianism between the sexes.

We asked a candidly stoned Elon Musk what are the implications of this for SpaceX travel plans to Mars:

Musk’s reply: “It really does eliminate a serious complication. We can use these silicon cyborgs as humanistically acceptable ‘comfort women’, while bringing along cyrongenically frozen XX in-vitro egg kits, have great sex en-route and with a solid bottom-slap, we won’t have to worry about our traveling companions morphing into Nexus-6 models that turn on us. It’d be so much better than structuring our future astronauts to a GMO, self-fertilizing, politically correct unisex standard based on David Bowie”

Now, if you’ve read this far and happen to be a math-gifted space-geek, pull up the super-calculator on your desk-top and give us all the ratios in the comments section: how much damage has been required to life on this planet to develop civilization’s knowledge to a point we put people where they obviously don’t belong (that would be space.)