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Don Rumsfeld Obituary

July 1, 2021 //

Don Rumsfeld: 9 July 1932 – 29 June 2021

Obituary

You all have heard of the first grade primer ‘Dick and Jane’? Well, as fate would have it, Dick did not grow up to love Jane, because Dick (like Don) matured into a homosexual in denial, or “RRR” (sounds like a Rottweiler growl), one of those closet morality, socially/sexually frustrated and consequently mean people known as a Religious Right Republican.

So, this has to be a adult repressed homosexual ‘dick’, or machismo porn variation, of the ‘Dick and Jane’ story. Consequently, the story of how Don Rumsfeld met his demise, because of Dick Cheney’s dog, is pretty screwed up. It’s called: Don & ‘dick.’

Rumsfeld was visiting ‘big dick’ Cheney at Cheney’s ranch in Wyoming, Cheney was wishing he could have shot George Bush in the face with his shotgun because the coward George flinched and did not pull the trigger on Iran…

While reminiscing missed opportunities at initiating Armageddon, wishing they could have shot more people in the face, especially more Arabs, and about their longing for certain fascists to be in their lives, past and present, secular and religious.. among other things, Rummy suddenly asked ‘big dick’ why his Rottweiler, “Machismo”, was always chained up at his kennel.

Mean people have mean dogs and, dick explained to Don that “Machismo” had an edge about him, Machismo simply could not be trusted around visitors. dick went on to explain how he wished it were otherwise and how he wished Machismo could be trusted to obey him and only tear apart people that he did not like, he’d tried dog trainers but they cost him money, too much money, because Machismo took a chuck of flesh out of all of them, every dog trainer he had tried. His insurance premiums had gone sky high, all on account of Machismo.

Rumsfeld: “Why don’t you get a different dog?”

Cheney: “Because I love my Machismo.”

Then Don had an idea.

Rumsfeld: “Hey dick, there is the Arapaho Indian Reservation right up the road, why don’t you get a Medicine Man to take the edge off your Machismo? I saw on the Discovery Channel the Indians can talk to animals, you know they are all devil worshippers, so maybe there is something to it.”

dick’s eyes brightened considerably, an amazing thing, as though a light had turned on upstairs, but then his brow furrowed back to normal, as though nobody were home.

Cheney: “That’s the problem. They are all devil worshipers, you know, Indians are sorcerers like the Old Testament forbid be ‘found among us.’”

So Don & dick discussed that and came up with a solution. If they were not at dick’s ranch while the medicine man worked with dick’s Machismo, the sorcerer would not be found ‘among them’ and it would all be ok in the end, because St Paul had said “All things work together for good” for Christians like Don & dick. So they sent a Secret Service agent to find a medicine man with an explanation of how dick would like the edge taken off of his Machismo, and then went quail hunting, so the Indian sorcerer would not be ‘found among them.’

The secret service agent found a medicine man, a Blackfoot married to an Arapaho and living in Wyoming, a typical dumb Indian, who with a look of stunned disbelief, kept asking the agent again and again “What!?” After the agent had identified himself four times and explained dick Cheney wanted the edge taken off his Machismo eight times, a light filled this Blackfoot Indian’s eyes, this agent was serious, and the devil was right at home.

Indians know when the gods deliver the opportunity of a lifetime, and this was opportunity at redemption. It had been awhile since the medicine men had been noticed, that is, the now days scarce authentic ones, and the agent had stumbled onto the real thing. First and foremost, this Indian believed in the Native law of reciprocity and well knew how it worked, something the Whitemen had not sorted out since Jesus had told them about it two millennia ago: “As you sow, so shall you reap.”

In this Indian’s world view, the opportunity was all about deliverance, and the attending attrition from any consequence, a sort of natural quantum mechanics shamanic death manifest by friendly fire, simply would have to be tolerated, because the medicine men are all about manifesting truth, and this native cultural idea taken together with the dogs name, set out the path to healing dick’s Machismo: The dog would have to be taught how to enjoy narcissistic sex, instead of biting people.

Initially, the medicine man realized he would have to endure Machismo’s instinct to hump his leg, that was disturbing, but to reach the goal beyond… The Indian told the agent, well, ok, he would do it for ‘dick.’ The agent missed the straight faced Indian humor… and utterly failed his agency’s chartered mandate.

Indians are observational people, primarily, and know the purpose of dog butt sniffing rituals, sort of like when a Blackfoot and Cree spot each other from across a boulevard in downtown Calgary, the hair goes up on both backs and both Indians are thinking to the other “You can sniff my butt” in a historical context, and it is not a friendly thought. The actual butt sniffing between them is purely psychic, preceding any challenge and fight, and the medicine man doctoring dick’s Machismo would need to circumvent this phenomena to achieve his aims. So sorcery came into play. He collected urine from a bitch in heat, rubbed a little of it on his knee, and bringing more along in a vial, he traveled to heal dick’s Machismo.

The dog was very happy to see him, no hostility or butt sniffing ritual encountered at all, the Indian told the agent ‘the spirits’ required he had to work with the dog alone, brought out a plastic baby rattle wrapped in leather with a few strings with beads, to look convincing, and dick’s fundamentalist christian body guard was more than happy to leave. Then this Indian, bringing out the vial of bitch urine, began to work with dick’s Machismo: “Now Machismo, my leg is a good beginning, but we have to show you something, you don’t need my leg or me at all, you can do this all for yourself- just follow her scent to where it feels so right….”

In Blackfoot language we have a word, I don’t know how to spell it in the Whiteman’s language, but it sounds something like oww-woe-tops and it means you are crazy and “everyone knows the Whiteman is crazy” is a Blackfoot proverb proven again and again, example given, ‘dick’ Cheney hiring an Indian that hates him, as every Indian should, to tame his Machismo. There is another Blackfoot word I dare not try to pronounce here, but it means “Dog Face.” It is about as bad as Blackfeet language profanity gets, and it is not as tame as it might seem, initially. The term refers to a certain facial expression…

Don & dick were headed back to dick’s ranch, the agent had called and told them the medicine man had pronounced dick’s Machismo healed and was leaving, and as fate would have it, the medicine man, and Don & dick passed each other on the dirt and gravel country road, the Indian pushing his 1968 Chevy pickup named the “Red Jet” as hard as he could, the worn out 327 V-8 boiling blue smoke into the dust storm he was whipping up behind him, windows down, braids flying, wild eyed panic combined with a maniacal mirth at his crime, co-mingled with prayers to all the gods that he WOULD escape… thinking when he saw Don & dick “you can sniff my butt” while trying to put on as many miles as he could, as fast as he could, to escape dick’s ‘spread.’ Don said “God Damn”, dick in the same moment saying “he must have brought along his whiskey”…

Then, ‘dick’ & Don, walking to the kennel, turned a corner bringing Machismo into view in that very moment Machismo was swallowing it, gulping himself down with a certain facial expression… Don had a sudden epiphany, and he exclaimed “Machismo sucks!”, and dick’s perpetual grimace of hate torqued down to the point it actually broke his primitive semblance of a mind, he pulled his permitted concealed weapon…

The camera pans away to the beautiful red rock cliffs of Wyoming, there was a first shot echoed together with Machismo’s dying yelp, Don shouted “NO!” and the second shot was heard… a pause.. the third shot sounded and America never heard ‘dick’ Cheney say “Terror” again.

In the here-after, for all of eternity, Don repeated “Look Dick, look. See Machismo suck!” And for all of eternity Dick shot Machismo and Don, again and again and could not kill them or himself (because they were already dead.)

The Secret Service agent kept his mouth shut about his role in the cause behind the Rumsfeld/Cheney murder/suicide, and no one came after the medicine man who laughed for years, again and again like a child, every time he recalled:

“you can sniff my butt”

HARVEST

Tags Don Rumsfeld, Donald Rumsfeld, obituaries, obituary, Rumsfeld

Categories crime, Morons, politics, satire, State Terror, treason, Uncategorized, war crimes

Rush Limbaugh Obituary

February 17, 2021 //

Rush Limbaugh presents his ‘grant me admission’ thesis to St Peter

‘Liberals’ or ‘The Apes Will Rise’

Liberals are hard to lampoon. It’s like trying to create interesting satire around a personality made of fungal ooze… for instance Hillary who has no personality, only a sort of freaked out laugh with head back and mouth wide open .. and Bill wouldn’t go there because Hillary was incapable of, or uninterested in, giving a quality blow-job. So, Bill didn’t keep his ‘willy’ at home and the whole thing turned into a ‘high crimes and misdemeanors’ Polish joke. Ok, so that’s a start, but this one isn’t a satire about Hillary, Monica, Bill and Congress making fellatio into a world headline event. Rather it’s about a larger liberal problem of a political IQ scoring in the 20-34 range on a scale determining functionality:

“Basic intellectual tasks, including language, are difficult to learn. Can learn some self-care behavior but remain dependent on others. There are usually motor problems and physical anomalies. Usually not employable”

^ Note the above ‘severely retarded’ criteria does not preclude employment as a politician in DC.

Now, if there were to be developed a flexible social IQ scale tied to Congress approval rating, I propose the Democrats controlling the House of Representatives determines the functional political IQ of the opposition is one half the controlling party, when contrasting Democrats to the minority Republicans with our consequently averaged score of 16. It follows, the Republicans are soundly established as “profoundly retarded” (but we’ll see this is ultimately irrelevant)

“Usually multi-handicapped with obvious physical deformities and short life expectancy. Heavily dependent on others. Can learn no or only the very simplest tasks”

With physical deformities measured in layered on telegenic make-up for sound-byte tv news, and life expectancy manifest in a political ‘sell by’ date determined by the vagaries of lobbyists (the ‘heavily dependent on others’ criteria), we turn our sights on delving into the higher IQ of America’s liberal leadership, but first a bit of explaining is in order:

Of the many cynical laughs I’ve experienced in relation to liberals making exceptionally dumbfounding decisions, there are a few that stand out in memory. One such event was, liberals behind a voter registration drive in Indian country, for the 2012 elections. Now, my honest belly laugh in relation to this particular event was, Native Americans have historically, typically voted conservative. Some might wonder why? Simple answer is; liberals have a long history of creating solutions for social problems in a cultural context they have little understanding of, compounding those problems more often than not. Conservatives, on the other hand, have a history of neglect in relation to Native Americans, and consequently it is the liberals are perceived as the worse offenders or ‘meddlers’ in Indian affairs. Conservatives, therefor, are less likely to imagine up solutions for problems they don’t understand whereas liberals are inclined to shove solutions that don’t work down peoples’ throats because ‘they know better.’ At the end of the day, the lower conservative social IQ in the legislative body, unable or disinclined to imagine up all sorts of ‘good’ things for other peoples lives, works out to the better solution for certain disadvantaged populations.

Now, it stands to reason the higher IQ in liberals will translate to a certain ability to grasp they’re obviously the more important people with superior ideas. So, let’s have a go at how it is liberal methodology translates into sensible decision making for the rest of us.

As a baseline comparison, we’ll consider how it is conservative monitor lizards look back on the ‘good old days’ of dinosaur climate with its 400 parts per million CO2. This translates into attitude of ‘hands off’ the fossil fuels industry. Hey! If it’s not broke, don’t fix it! (never-mind it was ‘liberal’ democracies run amok had initiated the industrial revolution, a phenomena conservative monitor lizards have forever failed to grasp)

Liberals, on the other hand, are ‘reasoning’ higher primates with a cerebral cortex:

^ evolution’s ‘monkey business’

Any liberal chimp provided with a loaded AK-47, can plainly see they are, or should be, competent to deal with anything, not dissimilar to our present liberal administration’s policies training commandos in Africa:

^ the Apes will rise

And because the liberal value of tolerance is held to be superior to xenophobic behaviors, it makes sense for the Kurds to be split into four minority divisions with no territory to call their own. In this current version of events, the Turks, Syrians, Iraqis and Iranians will all be forced to learn the superior liberal value of tolerance with the enforced subjection of the Kurdish nation’s aspiration to cultural integrity. This can surely be accomplished with extending the Kurds ‘minority rights.’ But hey! When American allied conservative dinosaurs are the ‘turks’ in power and xenophobia is on the rise, ‘minority rights’ for Kurds is a minority’s reality of no rights at all. But this is a minor inconvenience or bump on the road to what surely must be liberal enlightenment, right? Oh yeah, it’ll all sort itself out, because arbitrary, artificial borders are sacro-sanct, insuring the Turks and Kurds will be locked in a perpetual, murderous struggle on the road to liberalism’s enlightened vision of multi-cultural tolerance.

So, to now, how’s that frontal lobe ‘reasoning’ power of the cerebral cortex working out? Let’s look a bit closer to home:

America’s conservative monitor lizards are in a dinosaur’s basal-ganglia rage over the liberals’ cerebral cortex value of multiculturalism having neglected to explain to millions of immigrants the full implication of what it means to live in a ‘secular democracy.’

^ function of the basal ganglia

Now, if it had been the business of Freedom House and the National Democratic Institute to promote an understanding that; when you relocate to America your kids are going to be free to be depraved as they please, marry outside their culture and religion, and basically live apostate lives, no matter what you think of this ‘freedom’, and whether you like it or not, well, that’d been a ‘good’ thing. But these CIA fronts were too busy promoting ‘color revolutions’ to do anything sensible like provide simple explanations that’d have stopped a different species of conservative immigrants in their tracks. And so instead, America’s basal ganglia types sense their xenophobic monitor lizard habitat is threatened by another species of reptile and they’re lashing out at anything that moves, whether suitable prey or not. Well, after all, you know what science says about an exotic species invasion of another species habitat, it’s just not conducive to good ecological outcomes.

^ Rush Limbaugh felt ‘threatened’

This brings into question the soundness of a multiculturalism doctrine and how it is liberals expected inter-species mixing was a good idea because everyone should have innate intelligence enough to be ‘tolerant.’ We can contrast this to the conservative monitor lizards pining for the ‘good old days’ and arrive a determination of empirical science showing whether the reactionary behaviors of dinosaurs should be defended with provision of nature reserves to protect the ‘threatened’ species.

Sadly for the liberal theory of multiculturalism and the associated idea introduction of exotic species would in theory see innate ‘tolerance’ manifest; when contrasting the present environment of social tensions to former model, a social-scientific scrutiny clearly demonstrates the instincts of the basal ganglia types had been ‘in the good old days’ quite hospitable. You understood the species in your habitat, there was law and order and a more or less general stability. This result demands nature reserves for the xenophobic are not only practical but actually necessary to conform societies to a reasonable standard of behavior…

…but then, evolution had demanded a liberal’s cerebral cortex manifest with its experiment of ‘reason’

The Satires