Archives for posts with tag: evangelical

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Free Speech Clown Series

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How George Carlin Gets Jesus Kicked Out Of Heaven

George Carlin: So, where are we?

Jesus: The Native Americans call it the ‘Wolf Trail’

Carlin: Well, anyway, I like it better here by the campfire

Jesus: Verily

Carlin: So, how come you never returned?

Jesus: I did, many times. But on every occasion, I was killed by Christians in a pogrom before I could accomplish anything. So, I tried to return as a woman and even that didn’t work

Carlin: What happened?

Jesus: Maybe you haven’t heard the joke.. a girl was murdered and all the Jews were freaked out and figured they’d soon be dead, because it was assumed she was a Christian. Then the rabbi came running out shouting ‘Wonderful news! The murdered girl is Jewish!’

Carlin: That’s not funny

Jesus: Well, when you’re still hanging on the cross, nailed up by the church for 2,000 years, it has its humorous aspect. Just like the body parts of the saints, cut to pieces and scattered in churches everywhere, that’s why you don’t see them in heaven. And the Indians stuffed on shelves, locked in the basement of the Smithsonian. It’s a little bit like the circling buzzards of Native American humor, it takes some getting used to

Only the REALLY BAD people were in Hell, Richard Nixon, Muammar Gaddafi and L Ron Hubbard were anally banging the same plastic blow-up doll of Condoleezza Rice.. and hoping she would arrive before they’d have to share with Kissinger.. meanwhile the CIA was exploiting pedophelia in the Church with blackmail- using the confessional to pass instructions on destroying secular justice to corrupt religious judges- on the earth Jesus could not get back to- “give unto Caesar what is Caesar’s” notwithstanding

Satan’s lack of humor and the company he kept, precluded George and Jesus lodging there, now that they’d been evicted from above. So they were camped out in the Milky Way hoping Mel Brooks and Lenny Bruce would wander by

Jesus: The new Mel Brooks comedy ‘Fell Behind’ is GREAT

Carlin: The rip on Tim LeHaye? A real riot!

Jesus: Absolutely, what a gem! I wish I could grab Mel by the ears and kiss him right between the eyes for that. You’ve seen it?

Carlin: Oh yes! what was your favorite part?

Jesus: When the Hutaree Militia arrived to save the President and discovered he was Black and named Hussein, my god that tore me up.. it was better than the scene from Blazing Saddles when the Black Sheriff saved himself from the welcome committee, I was laughing to tears. Which part did you like?

Carlin: Sarah Palin as President of Romania, you know the scene, Vlad the Impaler rising from the dead and coming at her with the dildo.. and how she pretended to faint so she could take it without being unfaithful-

Jesus: My god, that brought me to tears too..

Marilyn Monroe and Jane Mansfield had been discussing who is hot, George or Jesus, playing a fantasy game of ‘draw straws’ just to see

BathBabe

 Most the Pentecostals and nearly all the conservative Catholics were in Re-Education Camp Purgatory, the two Marys were re-teaching Sunday Sex Ed School there, Virgin Birth was a huge embarrassment, as well Jesus relationship to Magdalene had to be straightened out and it was the joke cracked at this, had caused Jesus and George’s exile

Carlin: Millions said you were coming, were you wearing a condom?

Jesus: [laughing] There’s no right answer..

which began a fight between those Catholics and Pentecostals who were NOT in Re-Education Camp Purgatory. There WAS a right answer, eviction for the controversial personalities

Subsequently, George and Jesus, with time on their hands, LOTS OF TIME, were having a philosophical discourse

Carlin: So, where are the Jews?

Jesus: Waiting to be saved from themselves, but it’ll never work.. uh, George, would you do me a favor?

Carlin: Certainly, what’s that?

Jesus: Do you see those bolt cutters over there? ..

G&J Bolt Cutters

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The Satires

 

 

VE18

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The (No) ‘Establishment’ Clause

There is little question the American founders were, without exception, ‘believers’ in a supreme deity or that is to say “God.” Their commonality of belief ends with that statement. The (no) ‘Establishment’ clause of the anti-federalist founders (as opposed the ‘Federalist’ founders) enshrined in the First Amendment of the United States Constitution, derived from a consensus there could never be any one religion in supremacy in these United States.

This consensus derived from historical experience showing a ‘state religion’ is inimical to freedom. The one man responsible for a widespread support from the general populace supporting this consensus was Thomas Paine.

John Adams had stated: “Without the pen of Paine, the sword of Washington would have been in vain”

The purpose of the (no) ‘Establishment’ clause derived from our several founders unshakeable notion that any church in supremacy results in persecution of freedom. In their time, this notion was based on very real history, pointing particularly to the Church of England and the Church at Rome. Both had initiated policies in collusion with government(s) resulting in exodus of minority religions and political free thinkers, to what eventually became our American republic. The (no) ‘Establishment’ clause was intended to guard against these persecutions repeating history at future time in the USA.

That John Adams recognized this would be a necessary safeguard, despite his conservative Christian faith, is to be demonstrated in his statement on Paine. Furthermore, Adams had endorsed the language: “The government of the United States is in no sense founded upon the Christian religion” when he signed the ‘Treaty of Tripoli’

Thomas Jefferson wrote: “Believing with you that religion is a matter which lies solely between man and his God, that he owes account to none other for his faith or his worship, that the legislative powers of government reach actions only, and not opinions, I contemplate with sovereign reverence that act of the whole American people which declared that their legislature should ‘make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof,’ thus building a wall of separation between church and State” – President Thomas Jefferson in a letter to Danbury Baptist Association.

Jefferson even took the idea further. His endorsement of a (no) ‘Establishment’ clause invited non-Christian faiths to stand on a par with any Christian faith in the newly founded United States: “a singular proposition proved that it’s protection of opinion was meant to be universal. Where the preamble declares that coercion is a departure from the plan of the holy author of our religion, an amendment was proposed, by inserting the word ‘Jesus Christ,’ so that it should read ‘a departure from the plan of Jesus Christ, the holy author of our religion,’ the insertion was rejected by a great majority, in proof that they meant to comprehend, within the mantle of its protection, the Jew and the Gentile, the Christian and Mahometan, the Hindoo, and infidel of every denomination” -commenting on proceedings in the Virgina Assembly.

Benjamin Franklin concurred with Jefferson: “If the Mufti of Constantinople were to send an emmissary to preach to us Mohammedism, he would be provided a pulpit”

James Madison goes even farther: “Experience witnesses that ecclesiastical establishments, instead of maintaining the purity and efficacy of religion, have had a contrary operation. During almost 15 centuries has the legal establishment of Christianity been on trial. What has been its fruits? More or less, in all places, pride and indolence in the clergy; ignorance and servility in the laity; in both, superstition, bigotry and persecution”

The last word inspiring the (no) ‘Establishment’ clause is given to Thomas Paine, the man Adams had implied motivated the troops to serve under General Washington:

“I do not believe in the creed professed by the Jewish church, by the Roman church, by the Greek church, by the Turkish church, by the Protestant church, nor by any church that I know of. My own mind is my own church. All national institutions of churches, whether Jewish, Christian or Turkish, appear to me no other than human inventions, set up to terrify and enslave mankind, and monopolize power and profit

The USA Constitution’s (no) ‘Establishment’ clause: “Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof” ..

.. is routinely violated by the crusaders at our Pentagon:

f6

Sane people support the Military Religious Freedom Foundation

Paine’s essay from ‘The Age of Reason’

“IT has been my intention, for several years past, to publish my thoughts upon religion. I am well aware of the difficulties that attend the subject, and from that consideration, had reserved it to a more advanced period of life. I intended it to be the last offering I should make to my fellow-citizens of all nations, and that at a time when the purity of the motive that induced me to it, could not admit of a question, even by those who might disapprove the work.

“The circumstance that has now taken place in France of the total abolition of the whole national order of priesthood, and of everything appertaining to compulsive systems of religion, and compulsive articles of faith, has not only precipitated my intention, but rendered a work of this kind exceedingly necessary, lest in the general wreck of superstition, of false systems of government, and false theology, we lose sight of morality, of humanity, and of the theology that is true.

“As several of my colleagues and others of my fellow-citizens of France have given me the example of making their voluntary and individual profession of faith, I also will make mine; and I do this with all that sincerity and frankness with which the mind of man communicates with itself.

“I believe in one God, and no more; and I hope for happiness beyond this life.

“I believe in the equality of man; and I believe that religious duties consist in doing justice, loving mercy, and endeavoring to make our fellow-creatures happy.

“But, lest it should be supposed that I believe in many other things in addition to these, I shall, in the progress of this work, declare the things I do not believe, and my reasons for not believing them.

“I do not believe in the creed professed by the Jewish church, by the Roman church, by the Greek church, by the Turkish church, by the Protestant church, nor by any church that I know of. My own mind is my own church.

“All national institutions of churches, whether Jewish, Christian or Turkish, appear to me no other than human inventions, set up to terrify and enslave mankind, and monopolize power and profit.

“I do not mean by this declaration to condemn those who believe otherwise; they have the same right to their belief as I have to mine. But it is necessary to the happiness of man, that he be mentally faithful to himself. Infidelity does not consist in believing, or in disbelieving; it consists in professing to believe what he does not believe.

“It is impossible to calculate the moral mischief, if I may so express it, that mental lying has produced in society. When a man has so far corrupted and prostituted the chastity of his mind, as to subscribe his professional belief to things he does not believe, he has prepared himself for the commission of every other crime. He takes up the trade of a priest for the sake of gain, and in order to qualify himself for that trade, he begins with a perjury. Can we conceive any thing more destructive to morality than this?

“Soon after I had published the pamphlet Common Sense, in America, I saw the exceeding probability that a revolution in the system of government would be followed by a revolution in the system of religion. The adulterous connection of church and state, wherever it had taken place, whether Jewish, Christian, or Turkish, had so effectually prohibited by pains and penalties, every discussion upon established creeds, and upon first principles of religion, that until the system of government should be changed, those subjects could not be brought fairly and openly before the world; but that whenever this should be done, a revolution in the system of religion would follow. Human inventions and priestcraft would be detected; and man would return to the pure, unmixed and unadulterated belief of one God, and no more.

“Every national church or religion has established itself by pretending some special mission from God, communicated to certain individuals. The Jews have their Moses; the Christians their Jesus Christ, their apostles and saints; and the Turks their Mahomet, as if the way to God was not open to every man alike.

“Each of those churches show certain books, which they call revelation, or the word of God. The Jews say, that their word of God was given by God to Moses, face to face; the Christians say, that their word of God came by divine inspiration: and the Turks say, that their word of God (the Koran) was brought by an angel from Heaven. Each of those churches accuse the other of unbelief; and for my own part, I disbelieve them all.

“As it is necessary to affix right ideas to words, I will, before I proceed further into the subject, offer some other observations on the word revelation. Revelation, when applied to religion, means something communicated immediately from God to man.

“No one will deny or dispute the power of the Almighty to make such a communication, if he pleases. But admitting, for the sake of a case, that something has been revealed to a certain person, and not revealed to any other person, it is revelation to that person only. When he tells it to a second person, a second to a third, a third to a fourth, and so on, it ceases to be a revelation to all those persons. It is revelation to the first person only, and hearsay to every other, and consequently they are not obliged to believe it.

“It is a contradiction in terms and ideas, to call anything a revelation that comes to us at second-hand, either verbally or in writing. Revelation is necessarily limited to the first communication — after this, it is only an account of something which that person says was a revelation made to him; and though he may find himself obliged to believe it, it cannot be incumbent on me to believe it in the same manner; for it was not a revelation made to me, and I have only his word for it that it was made to him.

“When Moses told the children of Israel that he received the two tables of the commandments from the hands of God, they were not obliged to believe him, because they had no other authority for it than his telling them so; and I have no other authority for it than some historian telling me so. The commandments carry no internal evidence of divinity with them; they contain some good moral precepts, such as any man qualified to be a lawgiver, or a legislator, could produce himself, without having recourse to supernatural intervention.”

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