Free Speech Clown Series

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How George Carlin Gets Jesus Kicked Out Of Heaven

George Carlin: So, where are we?

Jesus: The Native Americans call it the ‘Wolf Trail’

Carlin: Well, anyway, I like it better here by the campfire

Jesus: Verily

Carlin: So, how come you never returned?

Jesus: I did, many times. But on every occasion, I was killed by Christians in a pogrom before I could accomplish anything. So, I tried to return as a woman and even that didn’t work

Carlin: What happened?

Jesus: Maybe you haven’t heard the joke.. a girl was murdered and all the Jews were freaked out and figured they’d soon be dead, because it was assumed she was a Christian. Then the rabbi came running out shouting ‘Wonderful news! The murdered girl is Jewish!’

Carlin: That’s not funny

Jesus: Well, when you’re still hanging on the cross, nailed up by the church for 2,000 years, it has its humorous aspect. Just like the body parts of the saints, cut to pieces and scattered in churches everywhere, that’s why you don’t see them in heaven. And the Indians stuffed on shelves, locked in the basement of the Smithsonian. It’s a little bit like the circling buzzards of Native American humor, it takes some getting used to

Only the REALLY BAD people were in Hell, Richard Nixon, Muammar Gaddafi and L Ron Hubbard were anally banging the same plastic blow-up doll of Condoleezza Rice.. and hoping she would arrive before they’d have to share with Kissinger.. meanwhile the CIA was exploiting pedophelia in the Church with blackmail- using the confessional to pass instructions on destroying secular justice to corrupt religious judges- on the earth Jesus could not get back to- “give unto Caesar what is Caesar’s” notwithstanding

Satan’s lack of humor and the company he kept, precluded George and Jesus lodging there, now that they’d been evicted from above. So they were camped out in the Milky Way hoping Mel Brooks and Lenny Bruce would wander by

Jesus: The new Mel Brooks comedy ‘Fell Behind’ is GREAT

Carlin: The rip on Tim LeHaye? A real riot!

Jesus: Absolutely, what a gem! I wish I could grab Mel by the ears and kiss him right between the eyes for that. You’ve seen it?

Carlin: Oh yes! what was your favorite part?

Jesus: When the Hutaree Militia arrived to save the President and discovered he was Black and named Hussein, my god that tore me up.. it was better than the scene from Blazing Saddles when the Black Sheriff saved himself from the welcome committee, I was laughing to tears. Which part did you like?

Carlin: Sarah Palin as President of Romania, you know the scene, Vlad the Impaler rising from the dead and coming at her with the dildo.. and how she pretended to faint so she could take it without being unfaithful-

Jesus: My god, that brought me to tears too..

Marilyn Monroe and Jane Mansfield had been discussing who is hot, George or Jesus, playing a fantasy game of ‘draw straws’ just to see

 Most the Pentecostals and nearly all the conservative Catholics were in Re-Education Camp Purgatory, the two Marys were re-teaching Sunday Sex Ed School there, Virgin Birth was a huge embarrassment, as well Jesus relationship to Magdalene had to be straightened out and it was the joke cracked at this, had caused Jesus and George’s exile

Carlin: Millions said you were coming, were you wearing a condom?

Jesus: [laughing] There’s no right answer..

which began a fight between those Catholics and Pentecostals who were NOT in Re-Education Camp Purgatory. There WAS a right answer, eviction for the controversial personalities

Subsequently, George and Jesus, with time on their hands, LOTS OF TIME, were having a philosophical discourse

Carlin: So, where are the Jews?

Jesus: Waiting to be saved from themselves, but it’ll never work.. uh, George, would you do me a favor?

Carlin: Certainly, what’s that?

Jesus: Do you see those bolt cutters over there? ..

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The Satires