EXBERLINER (4)

Werner Pops a Hemorrhoid

EXBERLINER (4) is limited to correcting Konrad Werner’s stilted English and decidedly amateur political ideation. The reasoning behind this is, I am not presently in Berlin (or Germany) and had neglected to arrange having the paper copy (EXBERLINER January issue) sent on to my purported new location (Ulaanbaatar, Mongolia.) Consequently, I cannot blog the entire issue but fortunately, for Konrad Werner’s edification, I can blog him, because his most recent is printed in its entirety at the EXBERLINER website. This negligent circumstance spares the otherwise often competent (and truly sweet) people at EXBERLINER the tongue-in-cheek wrath of this lampoonist’s pen. Sighs.

So, Konrad Werner opens his latest with a ‘salvo’ (fyi, this is a metaphor referring to firing of cannons, Mr Werner)

Now would be the time, Merkel. This would be the moment. There are municipal elections coming up in March in Bavaria. You can finally call the CSU’s bluff and field CDU candidates in Bavaria. This is your chance to rid yourself of these turbulent priests

The problem with Werner’s salvo is, 1) Merkel dumping the CSU is the farthest possible stretch of reality. It’s like saying Werner could write intelligently on German politics with his head out of his ass. The thing with this is, if Werner had his head out of his ass, he would realize he cannot write intelligently at all, and I would have to find someone else to lampoon.

The second problem with Werner’s salvo is, 2) Werner lacks this thing called ‘teutonic vision.’ Or perhaps Werner is unfamiliar with Bavarian culture, where in the southern German slang, a peculiarly shaped noodle is referred to as a ‘little boy’s penis.’ In this case Werner should have stated to Merkel this would be her chance to rid herself of ‘pedophile priests.’ But what of the habits of the CSU parishioners? You can’t wish this away Werner, just go to any palace in the Berlin vicinity and look at the statuary of little boys worshipped by generations of warmongering Kaisers. Or ask recently unemployed Guido Westerwelle what it is like to be a gay exporter of deadly armaments. Talk philosophy with him. Maybe too many little (never grew up) Bavarian boys to count are still upset over having been imprinted for life by this metaphor for ‘noodles’ …. think that anger might translate at the ballot box? Oh yes, but probably not in any nice way…. you see Werner, inter-generational violence is a cultural phenomena and de-nazification never really gained much traction in the south of Germany, speaking of a certain German brand of ‘pedophile priests.’  For your edification Werner, the NAZI problem wasn’t with gays, it was mainly with ‘out of the closet’ gays, if only because this threatened the denial of a certain ‘noodles’ metaphor along the lines of Pinocchio.

 ^ NAZI Reich Eagle at Lindau, Bodensee (2008)

Homework assignment for the political writers at EXBERLINER: Read ‘The Arms of Krupp’ with special attention given to the passage (this is for you, Werner) relating the story of how a German field marshall dropped dead (mid-pirouette) wearing only a ballerina tutu at a party attended by Germany’s military-industrial elite (other than ‘out of the closet’ some things never change, eh, Guido Westerwelle?) I hate to inform you Werner, Merkel’s CDU is a ‘kinder, gentler’ (remember George Bush saying this?) version of the CSU and there is going to be no separating the ‘sisters.’

Then, Werner goes on to ‘elucidate’  in impossibly stilted English (gag)

The Christian Social Union, often called the “Bavarian sister party to Merkel’s Christian Democratic Union” by baffled Anglo journalists who can’t understand why they exist, has again presented a policy that isn’t just entirely independent of its supposed sibling, but is obviously just a blindingly obvious attempt to outflank anti-European parties in advance of the local council elections in Bavaria. And once again, a Bavarian party that never stops going on about how much it loves being a Bavarian party and how great Bavaria is (“Bavaria first” a slogan on its website proclaims, or “a strong Bavaria in Berlin”) is allowed to determine the national political debate for a whole bloody week

Other than redundancy (“obviously just a blindingly obvious”), what Werner misses in the preceding is, the electorate makes up the the party, the party does not make up the electorate. In fact some ‘Anglo’ (this is a word referring to White Americans, pointing this out in case Werner thought it meant British) journalists perfectly understand the CSU is Germany’s mainstream anti-european party (relating to a certain metaphor of ‘noodles’ pointing to statues of little naked boys and a certain ‘past century’ or historical ‘export’ of the German armaments industry.)

Drawing a distinction between the CDU & CSU is little different to claiming a ‘kinder, gentler’ conservative German politic ‘a la George Bush.’ The CDU merely keeps German miltarism’s historic affinity for youngster’s ‘noodles’ a bit deeper in the closet, and are happy for the CSU to take on the dirty work, is all the difference. So, Werner, rather than draw a distinction that does not in actuality exist, as your much loved ‘pro-Europe’ Chancellor buries the Greek people with draconian fiscal policies, why not research Angela Merkel’s history championing ‘democracy’ & ‘human rights’ and juxtapose this to the facts of a NATO ‘deep state’ caper in Ukraine (western intelligence agencies inciting ‘color revolution’), as well the disaster that became Syria? (actually, do NOT do this Werner, because I’d feel responsible to untangle the mess you’d made of it.) And Werner goes on:

This week it banged a worn-out drum, warning that eastern Europeans would take advantage of EU expansion to flood into Germany and start working here and/or claiming Hartz IV. This time it was Romanians and Bulgarians – a couple of years ago it was Poles and Slovakians, in a few years’ time it’ll be Croatians. The CSU’s brand new policy paper was leaked to the press this week, and caused much debate with its not-properly-rhyming slogan “Wer betrügt, der fliegt.” “Anyone who cheats gets kicked out.” In other words, the CSU wants to make sure that any foreigner who falsely claims benefits gets sent home. This IS ALREADY THE LAW. That’s right, the CSU has managed to cause a big fucking media debate by calling for something that ALREADY EXISTS. WHY? Who knows? Why has my spaniel got bollocks? Why am I writing about it? I could be getting stoned and eating weird German Kaktus Eis and watching a 3D movie on IMAX. IMAX!! In 3D!! Imagine. It’s so big and so deep. 

Werner could be “getting stoned.” I think we’d all be better of if this were the case (as in Werner getting too stoned to write or perhaps “stoned” is Werner’s real problem) considering his stilted “not-properly-rhyming-slogan” (‘improperly’ would be the better English, Werner, or you might have given the higher ‘ill-rhymed’ a go.)

But no, because these fucking regional cunts are so worried about losing votes to the Alternative für Deutschland in March and they just couldn’t think of anything with a lower denominator than a slightly-racist fear mongering slogan about all the Romanians, I now have to sit here and join all the other commentators to point this out:

So, Werner pops a hemorrhoid with his pretense and mocked up outrage (profanity), while using the ‘c’ word, which is a favorite of gynophobes worldwide, the British particularly (Werner, profanity only works in highly creative format and you don’t appear to have a creative bone in your body, so stop emphasizing your lack of intelligence, is my advice) and then his “sightly racist” is absolutely myopic view of the endemic German racism. Oh, and you don’t “have” to demonstrate anything Werner, although it be nice if you’d demonstrate you’d pulled your head out of your ass and quit writing… because yes, many have said these things already and so very much more intelligently than yourself Mr Werner (go to Der Spiegel English for these political stories dear readers)

Right. There. Everyone else has said it and I’ve said it too. Can I go to the IMAX now?

Yes, Werner, you can go get (more) stoned now-

^ metaphor for Konrad Werner’s journalism (it’s the frog)

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