Rated ’S’ for SICK (parental advisory)

Thuck Norris (Unofficial Biography)

You’ve all heard of consummate pleasure? This is about consonant leisure or lazy tongue (and other) deformities of speech. It’s like when two, unacquainted, half-wit hair-lips meet and each thinks the other is mimicking-mocking him. And this misunderstanding begins a fight. But in the case of Thuck Norris, it also has to do with Asians cannot distinguish the R and the L or other consonants when speaking English and this often offends his sense of supremacy, because he cannot distinguish between this phenomena and the hair-lip pronunciation, and Norris believes he’s being mocked by the entire world.

It all began in middle school martial arts class, when Thuck had caught roundhouse kick to the side of his head. The sound of his opponent’s foot to Thuck’s ear, on impact, sounded like a sickening ‘thuck.’ Similar to the ugly sound of an over-ripe watermelon cracking open when given too solid a slap.

Lying on the mat, suddenly, permanently stupid, consequent hearing problem with attending brain damage had indelibly imprinted Thuck’s memory, and this had a most unfortunate result; because a concerned Asian kid in his class had shouted “Chuck!” as the martial arts instructor, almost, but not quite simultaneously, had shouted “Norris!” and Thuck Norris thought the Asian kid had shouted “Fuck Norris!” Going forward, because of the resultant hearing problem with attending brain damage, forever after his name always sounded like ‘Thuck Norris!’

And so it was Thuck came to believe every Asian on this planet (except for certain Evangelicals, South Koreans particularly) was deliberately saying “Fuck Norris!” but was unable to get the pronunciation right. Thus Thuck had been indelibly cast into that category of people ‘too stupid to understand they are stupid’, as it seemed to him the larger world had adopted this moniker, which actually exists only in Thuck’s brain damaged understanding. This nevertheless inspired his crusade to beat the living shit out of every gook on the planet and conquer the beliefs of Lao Tzu, Confucius, and the Buddha, all on behalf of ‘The Lord.’

And because the roundhouse kick’s impact had also regurgitated subliminal Sunday school stories and lodged them firmly in Thuck’s frontal cortex, together with Cecil B DeMille cinema scenes, Thuck came to believe he is, at different odd and intermixed moments, Goliath, Samson, and very strangely, for reasons no one understands (not least the Cherokee Nation) Thuck has frequent visions of Virginia Dare in her Native alter-ego: Dancing Water Moccasin.

Thuck, it would seem, has serious life issues.

Thuck joined the Air Force but could not get into the Academy because he believed Angela Jolie’s bra was the definition of Algebra. Thuck ‘wasn’t asked and didn’t tell’ but because of his jealous rage over a certain ex-boyfriend…

…Thuck became a military policeman who nobody could take seriously:

Air Force Airman-sports reporter Hunter Thompson subsequently penned this article on Norris:

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EGLIN AFB, FLORIDA (November 8)— PFC Thuck Norris, a novice Air Policeman, was severely injured here today when a wine bottle exploded against his head at the Air Police gatehouse at the west entrance to the base. Norris largely was incoherent for several hours after the incident, but managed to make a statement which indicated he believed the bottle was hurled from a speeding chariot which approached the gatehouse on the wrong side of the road, coming from the general direction of the SEPARATION CENTER.

Investigators revealed only minutes before the incident at the gatehouse, a reportedly “fanatical” airman had received his separation papers and was rumored to have set out in the direction of the gatehouse at high speed in what Norris described as a Ben Hur style vehicle, powered with stolen horses. An immediate search was begun for Hunter S. Thompson, erstwhile sports editor of the base newspaper and well-known “morale problem.” Thompson was known to have a sometimes overpowering affinity for mocking religious fanatics and had been described by Air Policeman Norris (presently confined to the base sanatorium) as “just the type of bastard who would do a thing like that.”

Meanwhile, PFC Norris will be evaluated in the neuropsychological ward at base hospital, with suspected head injury induced, PTSD delusions he is the Biblical Samson. The ward nurse states the condition of the patient is “Literally guarded.”

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Thuck, with a consequent ‘Brain damaged’ but ‘Loves Jesus’ discharge from the Air Force, went on to become a cultural consultant, physical educator and trainer to the stars; here with Donny & Marie Osmond at his Wimp Thuck Lo (TM)  School of Martial Arts, where Marie Osmond becomes infatuated with Thuck, resulting in Donny Osmond has an uncontrollable fit of jealousy and is savagely beaten:

Old age hasn’t made mental state for our B movie hero any better…

Thuck’s Vision

It was the Year of Our Lord 1605. Thuck was tied to a post in the camp of the Apache Winnitou:

Virgina Dare, now grown and known as Dancing Water Moccasin, was present to ‘save’ Norris:

The Indians called a council to discuss the matter, as there was important information to be gained. Lawyer-Chief Broke Medicine Ego, the injured party, following interrogation, made a case for Norris release, based on the rationale Norris was incapable of grasping the gravity of the White Race’s criminal health:

Medicine Ego: “What is this white pus I acquired from Dancing Water Moccasin?”

Norris: “You got White puss?”

Medicine Ego: “It’s white pus.”

Norris: “She’s White puss.”

Medicine Ego: “I’m saying she gave me this white pus.”

Norris: “What’d you expect? She’s White puss.

Medicine Ego: “Everyone has this pus where you came from?”

Norris: “We all get White puss.”

The Indians misunderstanding Norris’ slang, combined with Thuck’s hearing related brain damage altogether missing ‘pus’ in the line of questioning, the Indians concluded White puss and white pus were synonyms. If all were this way, the Whites could not understand and be held accountable.

And so it is, via visionary experience, Thuck consequently believes in White puss salvation, and has become obsessed with commercial fantasies of Michele Bachmann:

 Thuck’s obsession ^ (link to easy listening commercial theme)

And finally, Thuck has become altogether mad, over a late 2006 soccer game at Albuquerque, New Mexico, between Air Force Academy and the New Mexico Lobos, when a New Mexico fan shouted to the Air Force goalie “You play like the women you rape at the academy!” and New Mexico consequently scored against a flipped out Air Force. The now thoroughly insane Thuck Norris consequently became ‘Christian Dominionism’s’ most ardent defender of the United States military’s Christian extremist elements generally, and at the Air Force Academy particularly.

In the after life, when ‘almighty god’ (that is, Thuck Norris) beheld the immortal lampoonist Ronald Thomas West hauled in front of him on Judgement Day, Ronald stated:

“Don’t try to stare ME down, old Thuck. I’ve looked many a better man than you in the eye. Save your speech for some other false conviction, because if I am a monster, you are a fiend, for I have merely satirized a handful of morons, while more good men have been slaughtered by the beliefs expressed in your Dominionist jawbone than Samson slew with the jawbone of that other historic ass!”

And so there it is folks, the story of the man who inspired innumerable Boy Scouts chanting ‘How much wood would a Woodthuck thuck, if a Woodthuck could thuck wood’ .. to goad old Norris into flipping out in his patently juvenile persuasion…

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Disclaimer: Although it was Chuck Norris attacking the Military Religious Freedom Foundation inspired this satire, I did not ask permission of the Military Religious Freedom Foundation, whom I support strongly, for permission to write and post this. If I’d asked permission, they might have said ‘no’ and I would have felt compelled to honor the foundation’s wishes. That said, now that it is up, it’s not coming down, no matter who might make any request. I have as much right to exercise my First Amendment ugliness as any Christian Dominionist. Suck on that Thuck.

The Satires