In the alternative universe 2016 primary season, Bernie Sanders wins the Democratic nomination while Ted Cruz is in court fighting for the right to be on the fall ballot.

At the Supreme Court of the United States, an emergency hearing is underway on Ted Cruz’ eligibility to contest to become President of the United States. The issue before the court is whether Cruz, born in Canada to a Cuban father and American mother, is a ‘natural born’ American. Follows is the court recorder’s transcript of the ‘oral’ arguments:

In The Supreme Court of the United States

In the cause of

The Donald, Plaintiff

vs

Ted Cruz, Defendant

(sy)Phyllis Schafly & Ann Coulter; counsel of record for the Plaintiff

John Yoo; counsel of record for the Defendant

Mr Chief Justice Roberts: Counsel for the Plaintiff may proceed…

(sy)Phyllis Schafly: Distinguished Justices, it is my distinct honor to address this august body in the matter of The Donald versus Teddy. Can any of the ‘boyz’ give “Natural Born” American citizenship to their kids? Mr Justice Scalia, you say you must interpret the law strictly as it reads, literally as you see it in front you, it has taken on a life of it’s own regardless of our founders [legislative] intent. Soooo… counsel for the defense will insist we have to stick to “Natural” born because that is what the Constitution says… we cede this means you must have an American mother! But there’s another way of looking at this, a greater requirement. How can a mere American mother be truly the whole definition of natural? Were pain relievers employed? Were delivery forceps used? These preceding should disqualify a birth as natural. Was there a midwife present for delivery? A conservative view of natural birth could go so far as to demand: did the mother eat her placenta? If not, how is the defendant’s birth in any sense ‘natural’ ?  We hold our constitution’s language insists any natural birth, must be Le Boyer method with a midwife present, at minimum, otherwise no birth, any birth, can be construed to be natural.

Mr Chief Justice Roberts: Counsel for the Defendant?

John Yoo: My friends on the other side are making a specious argument. By their logic, except a midwife were to be present, most citizens could not be elected president if born of an American mother via modern process. Any such demand of the law is archaic. Now, what are we to do with a general and widespread absence of midwives? Practice necromancy? Henry VIII had Thomas a’Becket’s bones disinterred and put him on trial, so, other than 14 years residence requirement, there is precedent to bring Benedict Arnold’s bones home from England and following 14 years, we could elect a dead treasonous president. Or dig up Andy Jackson… if only because in earlier times it was common to deliver with a midwife. What living person would be eligible today?

Mr Justice Kennedy: Rebuttal?

(sy)Phyllis Schafly: Andy put his middle finger right where the sun never shines… in this Supreme Court’s predecessor and our constitution’s anus when he said “John Marshall has said what the law is, now let him enforce it”

Mr Justice Scalia: Mr Yoo?

John Yoo: Precedent holds ’I-da-ho’ born (pardon the Black English) Sarah ‘it sucks to be me’ Palin’s fellow Bible fascist, John McCain, was born in Panama of U.S. parents and McCain is a constitutionally legitimate “Natural Born American.” And surely this is because the United States Senate said so … speaking of any legitimate “Natural” birth… and Mr Justice Scalia, you state you must read the constitution literally… because it’s all about original intent… that is, “natural birth” could be our supreme law’s demand but in the annals of stare decisis established by this court it’s not necessarily our right!

Ms Justice Ginsberg: Mr Yoo, when referencing the ‘senate’, are you inferring ‘Caesarean’ birth is not eligible? Under any circumstance? Are we still a republic of laws or a case of Brutus’ gratitude shown to his patrimony? Please, I don’t require answer!

Ms Justice Ginsberg sits back and steadily staring at Yoo, primly pushes her spectacles up the bridge of her nose with a middle finger

Mr Justice Scalia: Ms Coulter?

Ann Coulter: Mr Justice Scalia, you learned from the Marshall court… tit for tat… you stopped the recount in Florida and elected George Bush… and put your middle finger up all of America and the world’s ass… speaking of where the sun never shines… the place where George was born to peer out from… we so love our ‘living constitution’ for that!

Coulter and Schafly, pitched their argument to the liberal justices, hoping for Mr Justice Kennedy’s ‘swing’ vote, but Coulter realizing her side could be losing, hikes up her already too short skirt, sits down and spreads her legs in full view of the several justices. Mr Justice Thomas inadvertently blurts out “Long Dong Silver!” as ‘Oral’ argument chaos ensues with counsels’ reptilian reflex soon turning the subject to democrats

John Yoo: Object!

Mr Chief Justice Roberts: Mr Yoo?

John Yoo: If Ms Coulter’s skirt were any shorter, we’d be arguing the color of her panties!

Ms Justice Sotomayor: I assure counsel for the defendant Ms Coulter is NOT wearing panties. The view from the bench is clear… Mr Yoo, in absence of the stated object, your objection cannot be contextualized in present justiciable controversy [smiles]

Mr Chief Justice Roberts: Objection over-ruled. Ms Schafly?

Mr Chief Justice Roberts is now staring at Coulter constantly, as is Ms Justice Sotomayor, not only Mr Justice Thomas

(sy)Phyllis Schafly: There could be a problem with ‘unnatural’ birth in the senate membership per se. Example given, those several Senate lawyers sucking off corporate PAC cocks, the worst sort of unnatural, closet morality you can imagine, speaking of the unnatural cocksuckers who give birth to our patently unconstitutional laws… nothing natural at all going on there. As well, a case of unnatural rebirth would be Al Franken giving up comedy to suck off corporate PACs… should have been a miscarriage somewhere there. Abort? I suggest respectfully the several honorable justices affirming Citizens United would have approved ‘termination’ in Senator Franken’s case. What candidate from the senate, any candidate from the senate, can claim natural birth?

Mr Justice Alito: Heil Fulgencio Batista! Excuse me, I meant, Mr Yoo will again proceed?

Mr Justice Alito is also constantly staring at Coulter

John Yoo: Joe ‘Homo Erect’us’ Biden… with his dentu-crème smile, is in line to replace the “Natural” born Obama… we should appreciate Joe’s sobriquet “Homo Erect’us” because Joe is from Senator Larry ‘closet latrine homo’ Craig’s “chamber”, so what is the possible problem with that? Larry Craig was never ineligible for reason of his natural perversions, considering science has demonstrated bonobos masturbate using holes, any holes, assholes, holes in trees, the oral orifice… as Hillary’s possible running mate, why risk another eight years of the wholly natural PAC-sucker ‘Homo ‘Erect’us’ Joe presiding over the senate?

Yoo is desperately thinking but fears his inexperience if he were to bring cunnilingus into the argument

Ms Justice Kagan: Ms Schafly?

Ms Justice Kagan, now breathing heavily, has also been staring all the time at Coulter

(sy)Phyllis Schafly: Joe ‘Homo ‘Erect’us’ Biden is just another ‘unnatural’ venal corporate cocksucker, he has taken piles of PAC money… never mind he secretly wants Israel to blow up Iran who will in turn blow up Berlin, Brussels, London and Paris, not merely Tel Aviv. Not to mention Iran blowing up our CIA liaised special forces in Baluchistan, Iraq, Syria and Afghanistan, soldiers who only wish our Congressional military/industrial corporate PAC cocksuckers did not keep them in perpetual deployments to war on behalf of Exxon/Mobil and Chevron… and wish the unnatural Congressional cocksuckers would just shut down the money paying for those wars [that would be constitutional] and maybe we could use some of the money saved to get breadwinners working in homeless families rebuilding our infrastructure… get them off the street… but Congress is too preoccupied with unnatural sucking bank and military/industrial PAC cocks to do that… Joe needs the ‘erect’ taken out of  his ‘homo’ to become wholly sapien but behavior modifications fail with rapists and pedophiles and likely unnatural primitive-warmonger-venal-corporate-PAC-cocksuckers as well, we all NEVER want ‘Dentu-Crème smiles Joe’ to be elevated to president…

Mr Justice Breyer: Mr Yoo?

Mr Justice Breyer has been studiously avoiding looking at Coulter

John Yoo: My client is born again! “Born again” is natural birth!! What could be more natural than possessed by the Holy Spirit? Aaaar-papa-papa-hula. Ooooo-vagino. Oreo-lolo-andy-olliegarcho-golly-boris-alloweeeenie!

Ann Coulter: I object to any such “tortured” argument! Fuck Yoo!! Stop speaking in tongues!!! Keep religion out of it!!!!

Mr Chief Justice Roberts: Can anyone here translate tongues? No? Objection sustained.

As the story of Bernie Sanders nomination by the Democratic convention breaks on the newswires, Mr Chief Justice Roberts opens an envelope delivered by his clerk

Mr Chief Justice Roberts: I’ve just been passed a note from Joint Chiefs of Staff Chairman General Dumbford. The general has declared himself Chief Executive Officer of these Christian Dominion States of America for life. All federal elections are suspended in perpetuity. Per General Dumbford’s orders, I hereby suspend the constitution on account of ongoing threat of terror and appoint all of this institution’s colleagues on my right to the FISA Court and further rule this body dissolved until General Dumbford’s new personnel are in place. The Donald versus Cruz is moot! [gavel bangs]

Mr Justice Kennedy’s ‘tent pole’ collapses beneath his judicial robe, Mr Chief Justice Roberts, together with Mr Justices Alito, Scalia and Thomas, jump up to perform high fives, totally oblivious to robes revealing their ‘artillery’ is deployed horizontally –

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Brought to you by the free speech clown

The Satires

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Related:

Essay On Native American Humor

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A former Special Forces Sergeant of Operations and Intelligence, Ronald Thomas West is a retired paralegal/investigator (living in exile) whose work focus had been anti-corruption and human rights. Ronald is published in International Law as a layman (The Mueller-Wilson Report, co-authored with Dr Mark D Cole) and has been adjunct professor of American Constitutional Law at Johannes Gutenberg University, Mainz, Germany (for English credit, summer semester 2008.) Ronald’s formal educational background is primarily social psychology. His therapeutic device is satire –